Thursday, August 2, 2012

Unrequited Love

I came across this quote on a blog written by another mom with daughters on the autism spectrum. I had to share it! I needed to read this on so many different levels in my life...

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, 
so as to have the life that is waiting for us" --Joseph Campbell

Kind of need to chew on that for a while. Really having to work on being patient with the Lord right now. I don't feel like I'm complaining, more wanting to give up on some things. Waiting is hard work! I know he is watching out for us and so I am really trying to find joy and not be consumed what I WANT for my life without losing the fire and passion I have for those things but still really live in and relish the life I've been given right NOW. It is really amazing, my life! I have an absolutely amazing husband who gives up everything he can for me and who is the strongest and most humble example I could ask for. I don't quite know how I got him, but I'm definitely keeping him around. No catch and release for you baby!

I have a son who continues to blow my mind (for the good and the bad). He is a sweet heart and I love getting to see his personality peak out a little more each day. I'm trying to find greater joy and have more appreciation for the small things. The single alternating step, the 2 inches he cleared from the floor while jumping in the "walk + stop" or "turning, turning, turning", his two favorites during circle time at school.

I have awesome family and friends who continue to pray for and support us!

I will say this. There are these tender moments when I just want to physically love my child. You know cuddle, kiss his face off, and stare into his beautiful eyes. I beg him to look into mine and if I do something silly enough he will. Its the only way I can get a glimpse into his. I tell him I love him and then have to prompt him more than once to say it back to me. It feels forced, like when you tell a guy you love him back after he tells you it first but you're not sure or not ready. You do it anyway. But this guy is my son. I have these tender moments when G and I are having so much fun rolling in laughter and my love for him oozes out. But then I wonder if its one-sided. Does he really love me? Do I rock his world like he rocks mine? I have to believe I do. I'm his mother for crying out loud! If I have to hold out until the eternities for that reciprocation I WILL! I think this is where my dependency on my faith in Jesus Christ comes in. I'm working on that too. This talk right here is something else we should all chew on. Thanks mamma for suggesting it! It will knock your socks off!! Love learning and realizing that even though I continue to fail miserably at some things in life there is still hope for me all because of my Savior! I can make changes and BE BETTER because of HIM! Elder Bednar is so awesome at helping us learn how!

Off to bed. G's eligibility meeting is in 8 hours. Darn Oregonians need a separate educational diagnosis from the medical diagnosis to provide services in school. Good news is that they include sensory as a portion of the eligibility and that is G's most challenging area.

I know it's been a while. So as not to leave you thinking I'm a sad soul, life is good! We have felt really really blessed in many areas, yes challenges still in others. BUT like I said, the Lord is watching out for us. We are loving Oregon, especially now that it is summer! Amazing weather. Its like fall in CA. Perfect warm (not HOT) days and perfect cool nights! Ryan's work is going well and making steady improvements, I'm busying enjoying the teenage girls in our ward and have some great friends here. G starts preschool 4 days a week in September and seems really happy 95% of the time! We are quickly becoming a biking family. We splurged on some new rides and are really enjoying the time as a family getting out and around Eugene. Ryan is determined to become a one-car family and bike to work. Tomorrow is Day #4!

I just came up with the title for this post and it got me thinking...I wonder if this is how the Savior might feel if we neglect our relationship with Him, if there is no reciprocation of those feelings and sacrifices he has made for us. "If ye love me, keep my commandments." Chew on that!  (adj): not requited : not reciprocated or returned in kind

No talking with your mouth full peeps! Finish chewing and then share your thoughts!


  1. Such a great post! I have enjoyed watching my autistic nephew come out of his shell. When he looks in my eyes and reaches up to pull my ear, I know he is connecting and saying "I love you". He asks about "Aunt Elizabeth" even when I'm not around... it makes my heart swell.
    Be patient... God has even more great things planned for your family!

  2. Josh finally said "love you mama" unprompted for the first time ever about two months ago. After almost four years it was a really happy day. And he said it a second time to me just a few days ago, along with a hug! It's the little moments like that which keep us going. And that quote was fantastic. Thanks for sharing.