Unrequited Love

I came across this quote on a blog written by another mom with daughters on the autism spectrum. I had to share it! I needed to read this on so many different levels in my life...

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, 

so as to have the life that is waiting for us" --Joseph Campbell

Kind of need to chew on that for a while. Really having to work on being patient with the Lord right now. I don't feel like I'm complaining, more wanting to give up on some things. Waiting is hard work! I know he is watching out for us and so I am really trying to find joy and not be consumed what I WANT for my life without losing the fire and passion I have for those things but still really live in and relish the life I've been given right NOW. It is really amazing, my life! I have an absolutely amazing husband who gives up everything he can for me and who is the strongest and most humble example I could ask for. I don't quite know how I got him, but I'm definitely keeping him around. No catch and release for you baby!

I have a son who continues to blow my mind (for the good and the bad). He is a sweet heart and I love getting to see his personality peak out a little more each day. I'm trying to find greater joy and have more appreciation for the small things. The single alternating step, the 2 inches he cleared from the floor while jumping in the "walk + stop" or "turning, turning, turning", his two favorites during circle time at school.

I have awesome family and friends who continue to pray for and support us!

I will say this. There are these tender moments when I just want to physically love my child. You know cuddle, kiss his face off, and stare into his beautiful eyes. I beg him to look into mine and if I do something silly enough he will. Its the only way I can get a glimpse into his. I tell him I love him and then have to prompt him more than once to say it back to me. It feels forced, like when you tell a guy you love him back after he tells you it first but you're not sure or not ready. You do it anyway. But this guy is my son. I have these tender moments when G and I are having so much fun rolling in laughter and my love for him oozes out. But then I wonder if its one-sided. Does he really love me? Do I rock his world like he rocks mine? I have to believe I do. I'm his mother for crying out loud! If I have to hold out until the eternities for that reciprocation I WILL! I think this is where my dependency on my faith in Jesus Christ comes in. I'm working on that too. This talk right here is something else we should all chew on. Thanks mamma for suggesting it! It will knock your socks off!! Love learning and realizing that even though I continue to fail miserably at some things in life there is still hope for me all because of my Savior! I can make changes and BE BETTER because of HIM! Elder Bednar is so awesome at helping us learn how!

Off to bed. G's eligibility meeting is in 8 hours. Darn Oregonians need a separate educational diagnosis from the medical diagnosis to provide services in school. Good news is that they include sensory as a portion of the eligibility and that is G's most challenging area.

I know it's been a while. So as not to leave you thinking I'm a sad soul, life is good! We have felt really really blessed in many areas, yes challenges still in others. BUT like I said, the Lord is watching out for us. We are loving Oregon, especially now that it is summer! Amazing weather. Its like fall in CA. Perfect warm (not HOT) days and perfect cool nights! Ryan's work is going well and making steady improvements, I'm busying enjoying the teenage girls in our ward and have some great friends here. G starts preschool 4 days a week in September and seems really happy 95% of the time! We are quickly becoming a biking family. We splurged on some new rides and are really enjoying the time as a family getting out and around Eugene. Ryan is determined to become a one-car family and bike to work. Tomorrow is Day #4!

I just came up with the title for this post and it got me thinking...I wonder if this is how the Savior might feel if we neglect our relationship with Him, if there is no reciprocation of those feelings and sacrifices he has made for us. "If ye love me, keep my commandments." Chew on that!

un.re.quit.ed  (adj): not requited : not reciprocated or returned in kind

No talking with your mouth full peeps! Finish chewing and then share your thoughts!

worth the fight?

It seems there has been more tantrums, more screaming, more kicking. Its hard to know if its part of typical development as a 2 1/2 almost 3 year old, or if it is the autism. Either way, it sucks! He's generally a very happy dude so it makes the rough times such a stark and dark contrast. I know its nothing compared to what some other children and families dealing with ASD go through. Its harder having this my first child too I think. Nothing to compare to. I've been debating going back to the gluten free casein free diet to see if his behaviors improve again. I didn't think it was making a difference but now I wonder. Its just such a huge commitment of time, lifestyle change and money. We still attempt to eliminate dairy products, but we've been lax on that the past month and I'm also wondering if that is the problem. I reintroduced gluten first a few months ago and saw no difference, but then this past month has been harder and that is when we got relaxed with dairy. He doesn't have tons but he has enough and I've also seen a change in his bowel movements. They've gotten worse, back to the way they were before all of the diet work we did. Ugh! 

Then there's this whole thing about getting pregnant and having another baby. My heart longs for it, you know that. But then today when he was screaming his head off I thought, "What if the next one is just like this... Autistic". What if they scream more than Gav does. What if they have more gut problems and actually have intellectual developmental delays, instead of genius in them like Gav does. What am I fighting for? Another child with autism? Is the monthly challenges of infertility and multiple false starts really worth it?" Maybe the negative pregnancy test earlier this week was a blessing? Could it really be? Seriously, I don't know. I don't know how I'd do it. I know I've been armed with much more information and tools to help with behaviors since starting intervention with G, but you just don't know where on the spectrum the child will fall and what their needs will be. Its scary. Do I take the risk? I read in a newsletter again the new statistics that research is finding-- 19% chance that our second will have autism. The other side of that is 81%, but for some reason when spirits are down and I'm deep in the trenches of working through tantrums all I see is 19 PERCENT! 

Add to all of this the endless number of theories and treatment approaches to autism and its mother load of life challenges and its easy to get overwhelmed. Is this behavioral method really the best thing for G?  I'm sticking to my guns, praying that what I'm doing is actually going to help and not hurt him in the long run. It takes sooooooo much strength to listen to your child scream and to "ignore it" and go on happy as a clam trying to redirect their attention. All I want to do is scream back, to yell, "Shut up!" (and sometimes I do). Oh, and just in case you were wondering, it doesn't help! Duh! Redirection and extinction do help, sometimes it takes a while (probably 5 minutes on average, which seems like an E-T-E-R-N-I-T-Y) before G is back to himself, but I'd say 100% of the time if I do my part to redirect and I don't give up he comes around eventually and his happy little self returns. 

It's quiet now. He didn't want to part with his 18-wheeler for his nap, but he wouldn't go to sleep with it, he just kept talking and playing. I offered a trade, but he lost it. That one wasn't so bad. He must have succumbed to dreamland. Oh how I'm grateful he sleeps well, something most with autism don't do. 

So, I guess I have some more soul searching to do. Definitely some fasting and praying, trusting in the Lord's plan. There isn't much more I guess I can really do than to strengthen my faith and turn the rest over to Him-- Thy will be done. 

The screaming has returned. I spoke too soon. I'm off to comfort the weary.

recovery

Well, physically I think I'm about 95% recovered. If you count the fact that the doc ruined my bikini modeling career with one of the incision scars, then I'll never be healed. LOL! (FYI Mom - that was a complete joke). I still am tired but not sure if that was due to 3 late nights in a row last weekend or what. When it comes to my emotions and what not, I have good days and bad days, but mostly good.

It's been two weeks. I've had a flood of different emotions go through me. First, I am sincerely grateful for all of the prayers in my behalf and the sincere messages I received. I realized more and more that really what I have experienced is nothing compared to many of the things you have all endured.

Although I know what I know in regards to my relationship with God and the gospel of Jesus Christ, I have still experienced some challenging feelings and emotions. For the last week I've been struggling with anger and frustration towards God. Some, including my husband, have said, "The Lord is in control." But every time I hear that I get angry. This is all out of my control and I hate that. I found myself struggling with anger towards God. If he's in control he's to blame right? Seriously is it possible to be angry at God without getting struck with lightning? It doesn't seem fair, and it isn't, but life isn't about fairness is it. I know, I know.

I feel frustrated because I paid for a baby and didn't come home from the hospital with one. Now all that money we saved up (we have horrible insurance so every baby costs us about $5,000), we have to save up again.

I feel discouraged. I know 10 months of trying to get pregnant isn't much compared to those of you who waited 2, 3, 5 years. But every month it feels like I get my hopes up only to get them dashed. And then finally, FINALLY, my wish came true. I didn't have any reason to think something would go wrong. I feel like I took pregnancy for granted, even that once you are pregnant, nothing would go wrong. Now, my prayers have changed. I bought a cute maternity dress for the summer. I am returning it. About six months ago I started buying baby girl clothes every now and again. Who knows if we'll ever have a girl, but it was exciting, it brought hope that I'd get pregnant. Now it seems like a waste all of the sudden.

I feel damaged. All of my significant health problems have been related to my girl parts. Gosh darn it. I have been freaking out about getting pregnant now with one fallopian tube. My two week post op check with the doctor couldn't come soon enough with so many questions. I was so drugged when the doc came in the morning after surgery that I didn't even know what to say.

Today was my two week post-op check with the doctor. The room brought back some pain. Two weeks ago I was eagerly waiting (although in pain and slightly worried something was wrong) the doc to confirm the pregnancy and that I was just experiencing some normal pregnancy pains. Two weeks ago I got the horrible news the pregnancy would have to be ended.

Results that dreaded day: I was bleeding internally. I'd lost about 200 cc's of blood. That was the source of my severe pains. The doc had to take out 1/3 of my left fallopian tube and I now have a 1 in 10 chance of having another ectopic pregnancy.

Did you know that you still ovulate every month when you only have one tube? The doctor gave me hope today. The human body is amazing regardless of my damaged goods. Both ovaries can feed into either tube so hopefully our next dear baby won't lose its way. He says my right tube looks good. In the future I have to call the doc as soon as I find out I'm pregnant and then get in his office as soon as possible to confirm the pregnancy and its location to hopefully prevent the same damaging effects. Its a tricky thing though because you have to wait long enough to detect the pregnancy and its location, but if you want too long to when there is a visable heart beat its too late. I was probably 5-6 days too late this time. You have to surgically remove the egg rather than use the chemotherapy medications that kill it at that point. Tricky business! I am hopeful though and really praying that this was just a bump in the road and that the Lord's timing doesn't involve waiting for too much longer.

Separation and surprises!

So this last Tuesday I had my first moment of separation from Gavin. Ryan's parents were out in Orland (his dad playing tennis w/ Ryan) and his mom was at the house w/ me. We were gonna pick up sandwiches from the Ice Box in town and so I decided to just run there myself and leave Gavin with my mother-in-law. I had a moment of wait can I do this, but realized it would be a quick trip. On the way back from the sandwich shop I decided to stop at the tennis courts to say hi to the guys really quick. Ryan insisted I sit down for a few minutes and relax when I mentioned it was my first time away from Gavin. I literally stopped in my tracks and froze when he said that. What? I can't do that, what am I doing away from him? It was so weird. For a moment life seemed like it was before Gavin was a part of our family. I'd ride my bike or walk to the courts now and again to watch them play and enjoy the summer nights. I decided to sit down and watch for a few minutes to indulge Ryan but it quickly felt lonely. Where was my right-hand-man, my WING MAN! Its amazing how much life changes overnight with the arrival of the little man! I wouldn't have it any other way! Speaking of the dude, he needs my love (still having his gas problems). The blog must wait...

...back to the post. Oh wait he's crying again. I hate seeing him in pain...blog on hold...again.

What happened next you wonder?

Baby fed--check!

Baby burped--check!

Dirty diaper changed--well, it was just wet w/ a hint of poo (hence his gas problems) I'll change it anyway just in case. Then in the process of changing it Little Jet is crying hysterically. I'm trying to talk to him to calm him down and then what happens? You guessed it the "sharp shooter" had a hay day!

Let's see what ran through my mind:

I told you so! (Ryan speaking in my head)

Neener, neener, neener! 

It's about time--how long did you think you could get away without covering his "ahem"? 

And you thought he wouldn't do that to you cuz your his mom! 

That much pee can come out of that little thing? 

Yikes! 

Oh that can't taste good!

It was so sad to see him lying in a puddle of his own pee. Sorry kid! So after cleaning up the aftermath, the tike and I spent the rest of the afternoon like this:

Every time I tried to put him down he'd wake up crying in pain. For the love...I just hate seeing him cry and have tummy pains. I'm just glad he calms down when he lays on my chest. The power of a mother's heartbeat. (that's another post).

Dirty Diaper changed--check...finally!

Ok back to the post at hand...

So I was sitting watching tennis when all of the sudden I could hear geese flying over. I love that about where we live. They often fly over. I whipped out my phone and snapped these photos...beautiful!! 

What a backdrop the sky was! There is something relaxing and amazing about geese and their flying patterns. It was quite a large flock and several "V's" were formed. 

It was nice to relax, but it just wasn't the same without my compadre there. I think he feels the same way--for now!  I'm going to enjoy it!

So, 3 hours later I'm finally finishing this post. And in case you're wondering...music to my ears--he finally "worked it out". We should be happy now for the next couple of hours! Time to find some dinner and get some air!

32 weeks (better late than never)

Ok, I'm a little late on the posting, but at least I took the pictures. Here I am January 31st so I was 32 weeks (I think) I can't keep up I just focus on how many I have left. Yes I would have had 2 months left. I am ballooning out by the day! Sitting at work is getting very problematic but then its uncomfortable to walk around too much. So is life! Only 6 weeks to go baby! We finish up child birthing classes this week, take our tour of the birthing center, and I turn in my disability papers. I only have 2 weeks left of work (and one of those days is now devoted to my civic responsibility of jury duty!) 

We finally got started on the baby's room (Happy Valentines Day!) It was nice working together although Ryan definitely did more and the harder work. It took us the full day to prep, paint and clean up the mess. We have a few touch ups to do and now for the decorating.  He also started on the crib which we got for free and are sanding down and painting. I still have to make the bedding which my mother so graciously is helping with. We start that next friday and Ryan wants to have this room dialed in for the baby shower (i.e. the unveiling). He's excited! He is already jealous of the babe's room and wishes he could have it. I can't wait to meet this little dude! 

PS Still can't decide on a name. Then I realized if it goes anything like it did for his dad, this little guy will be known as "Beck" and not by his first name. So all this fretting for nothing?!?

life's difficult decisions...

The baby's car seat...never thought I could spend so much time worrying about which one to get. I tell you. It probably hasn't been helped by the wondering macbook that sits on my lap wherever I go in the house. Ryan has given up on my obsession with this computer. I find any reason to be surfing the web or playing with the fun programs. Mostly I've been searching for the perfect bedding, or cutest baby gadgets out there. I am in love with Etsy.com and can't stay away from ebay. I think I've gotten addicted to receiving packages on our doorstep. Its been almost 2 weeks since my last. Oh, I ended that today when I bought some adorable baby necessities from etsy today! Ok, this isn't even where I meant this post to go. 

I've been researching car seats for weeks now. I know what consumer reports says, but my eyes have been locked on the Maxi Cosi Mico and I can't break the contact. I found the one I like for under $150.00. I have to admit that I'd be purchasing it more for the looks than anything. I just like its simple nature. I hate babyish things. It also has great ratings for safety from what I've read. It seems that no matter which one I try to fall in love with it gets some negative publicity. What should I do? I almost pushed the "purchase" button on Amazon, but decided to wait. I just can't commit to anything these days, except my Macbook and peanut M&M's. I would have gotten the Chicco Key Fit but I fell in love with the Baby Jogger City Mini and the car seat doesn't adapt with that stroller. I don't know if that will be a big deal to not be able to use the stroller with the infant car seat so that's another delimma. Help me Car Seat gurus! But I'll probably just be more confused...

So, if I want it to be compatible with my stroller I have these options:

Babytrend Expedition or StrideZ

britax Companion

Graco Infant Safeseat or Graco SnugRide

Maxi Cosi

Peg Perego Primo

Help me and Ryan will be eternally grateful for reducing the number of hours I spend searching and researching the internet!

MERRY CHRSITMAS FROM THE BECKS!!!

So I've been horrible the last month or so not posting. It has been busy, but not that busy. The month started off with an amazing trip to Cabo San Lucas. Ryan being the unselfish husband he is offered to sell his mountain bike (something we were already considering) and putting that money towards one last vacation (if you remember from last year we went on a cruise in the southern caribbean as our "last horray".) Well, that just wasn't enough (it was a year ago). Well, with that money and a monthly vacation fund I started for us we made the trip! We definitely did it on a budget but I didn't mind it. It ended up being the smart way to do things and we stuck to our budget. I absolutely love Cabo! Some people don't like Mexico, but I'm actually drawn to the people and love the service they give. Yes, there is poverty, but I love the culture. We had the greatest time. Being 5 months pregnant did have its drawbacks (we couldn't parasail or jet ski). Ryan promised the trip would be purely for relaxing and vegging and that's what it was. I think I probably clocked in about 20 hours of laying in the sun. You could have called it a part-time job! It was glorious!!! I read the entire Twilight book during the week. I haven't read that much in my life I think. It was a empowering moment! Ryan was a good sport vegging and he did get his time in working out (unfortunately it cost $10 a day to workout in their gym so he splurged one day but the rest he made due in our hotel room). I posted a picture for your pleasure. (Sidenote: Have I ever mentioned  how much Ryan loves when I blog about him and things like this. Yes he loves it! Thanks babe for having a sense of humor and letting me enjoy your cuteness). So he would fill our luggage with heavy items to do curls, lift the 5 gallon water bottle, fill the backpack with books on his back and do pushups, pullups on the edge of the entertainment center, I helped him with handstand pushup dealies--very creative honey! 

We got some good food down there (my fav's yummy homemade tortillas, great guacamole, enchiladas, great italian food (in mexico? say what?), yummy gelato an more guacamole. All week ryan talked about taking a bath in guacamole and wished he had a keg of guac on the beach with us! I had a virgin pina colada or two as well. Love those things! It was just what i needed. THANK YOU BABE!!!! 

The only set back was the crazy fog in the valley that resulted in delayed flight leaving, then to a cancelled flight 5 hours later, and then to 2 hours of standing in line to change flights, then to find out we had to get a rental car and drive to San Francisco from Sac town to catch a flight the following day, which led to an additional hotel night (thanks Craig and Janice for helping out with that). It was frustrating to say the least, but it all worked out in the end and we got there safely and with ease the next day. I just kept the mindset "you can't control this" and went with the flow (most of the time). I did have rearrange hotel nights with expedia and our shuttle but it all worked out and it didn't ruin the trip at all. We were able to extend the trip a night as a result of the delay since we were originally coming home on a friday. 

So once our amazing vacation ended I was greated with a lovely head cold. It took 2 weeks to get rid of it and then Ryan got it. Thankfully I didn't have it that bad compared to Ryan. I wasn't able to take meds so the humidifier was all I got, but the Lord blessed me that it wasn't too intense. Ryan has green flem and won't go to the doctor. Isn't that bad? Doesn't that mean there's an infection? He says his body will take care of it--I love my stubborn husband! Even with his stubbornness I did enjoy babying him and helping him get as comfortable as he could (that's how we spent our new year's). As long as I was with him (and my new macbook). 

That brings me to Christmas. It was rushed again this year with taking the vacation the first part of the month. We vowed to never take vacations like that again since it really fowls up Christmas parties, shopping and really experiencing the preparation for christmas, but its such a good time. We had a low-key Christmas (the last of them for a long time to come) and spent it split between families. I got to talk to my bro Keith who's on a mission in Costa Rica. Santa spoiled me with a new computer after hours of searching and getting the best deal possible I ended up with the dreamy macbook!!! So what if I wanted it for the looks--that was just the initial attraction. Now i love it for its looks, plus the way it feels, the way it treats me and takes care of me (I've had bad computer relationships in the past). Anyway the relationship is still new so we're taking it slow. Baby Beck got his first presents from the family and they're already waiting for him in his closet. We got to spend some time with Ryan's good friend Matt and his family. It was really nice. We definitely wish we lived closer to our dearest friends (they've all seemed to move away). 

Anyway, this is getting long and I've logged in so many hours today searching out the right stroller, car seat, picking decor for baby's room, stressing endlessly over the color of the walls (which I was supposed to paint this week). It has me very anxious-go figure! To top it all off I just can't decide on the baby's name. We have a few we can agree on but I'm just not sure. Oh geez! Someone give me something important to worry about!!! Well, we missed you all who we didn't get to see this holiday season. We're shooting for a trip to Utah this summer around July 4th (barring we have a sane child that we feel safe leaving home with). Knowing how charma seems to work with babies we have quite the tike on our hands!!!

I've posted a pic of me at 22 weeks and just took another today at 27 weeks. Sorry I've been bad about posting the progress. Thanks for your patience!!

It's a boy, by golly!

The day of anticipation has arrived! We finally found out what we're having, besides a human being--ITS A BOY! We're so excited! I've posted the details on our blog I had started for the little guy, so I might as well use it right? We can't wait for his arrival! Eighteen weeks to go!!! Go here to see the original post and ultrasound pics! If you have a desire to share name suggestions we're still open. We have a list of about 5 right now we can semi-agree on.

baby beck!

The news is out...we're having a baby! Unfortunately, this post is short because I'm exhausted! I'm in my first trimester and trying to hold back the negative talk as I push through to the 2nd trimester. Its been a rollercoaster ride so far! We are very excited! I'm in my 11th week and am due March31st. I've dedicated a separate blog to this growing baby. We go for our second visit (ryan's first) next week! Hopefully we'll get to hear the heart beat! We also created a video to announce the pregnancy, but we're still figuring out how to get it on the web from windows moviemaker. Anyway, we couldn't be more excited (unless the myth of the stork delivering the baby were true--I'd skip pregnancy if I could). The blog is http://iwantmybabybeck.blogspot.com/.