recovery

Well, physically I think I'm about 95% recovered. If you count the fact that the doc ruined my bikini modeling career with one of the incision scars, then I'll never be healed. LOL! (FYI Mom - that was a complete joke). I still am tired but not sure if that was due to 3 late nights in a row last weekend or what. When it comes to my emotions and what not, I have good days and bad days, but mostly good.

It's been two weeks. I've had a flood of different emotions go through me. First, I am sincerely grateful for all of the prayers in my behalf and the sincere messages I received. I realized more and more that really what I have experienced is nothing compared to many of the things you have all endured.

Although I know what I know in regards to my relationship with God and the gospel of Jesus Christ, I have still experienced some challenging feelings and emotions. For the last week I've been struggling with anger and frustration towards God. Some, including my husband, have said, "The Lord is in control." But every time I hear that I get angry. This is all out of my control and I hate that. I found myself struggling with anger towards God. If he's in control he's to blame right? Seriously is it possible to be angry at God without getting struck with lightning? It doesn't seem fair, and it isn't, but life isn't about fairness is it. I know, I know.

I feel frustrated because I paid for a baby and didn't come home from the hospital with one. Now all that money we saved up (we have horrible insurance so every baby costs us about $5,000), we have to save up again.

I feel discouraged. I know 10 months of trying to get pregnant isn't much compared to those of you who waited 2, 3, 5 years. But every month it feels like I get my hopes up only to get them dashed. And then finally, FINALLY, my wish came true. I didn't have any reason to think something would go wrong. I feel like I took pregnancy for granted, even that once you are pregnant, nothing would go wrong. Now, my prayers have changed. I bought a cute maternity dress for the summer. I am returning it. About six months ago I started buying baby girl clothes every now and again. Who knows if we'll ever have a girl, but it was exciting, it brought hope that I'd get pregnant. Now it seems like a waste all of the sudden.

I feel damaged. All of my significant health problems have been related to my girl parts. Gosh darn it. I have been freaking out about getting pregnant now with one fallopian tube. My two week post op check with the doctor couldn't come soon enough with so many questions. I was so drugged when the doc came in the morning after surgery that I didn't even know what to say.

Today was my two week post-op check with the doctor. The room brought back some pain. Two weeks ago I was eagerly waiting (although in pain and slightly worried something was wrong) the doc to confirm the pregnancy and that I was just experiencing some normal pregnancy pains. Two weeks ago I got the horrible news the pregnancy would have to be ended.

Results that dreaded day: I was bleeding internally. I'd lost about 200 cc's of blood. That was the source of my severe pains. The doc had to take out 1/3 of my left fallopian tube and I now have a 1 in 10 chance of having another ectopic pregnancy.

Did you know that you still ovulate every month when you only have one tube? The doctor gave me hope today. The human body is amazing regardless of my damaged goods. Both ovaries can feed into either tube so hopefully our next dear baby won't lose its way. He says my right tube looks good. In the future I have to call the doc as soon as I find out I'm pregnant and then get in his office as soon as possible to confirm the pregnancy and its location to hopefully prevent the same damaging effects. Its a tricky thing though because you have to wait long enough to detect the pregnancy and its location, but if you want too long to when there is a visable heart beat its too late. I was probably 5-6 days too late this time. You have to surgically remove the egg rather than use the chemotherapy medications that kill it at that point. Tricky business! I am hopeful though and really praying that this was just a bump in the road and that the Lord's timing doesn't involve waiting for too much longer.