recovery

Well, physically I think I'm about 95% recovered. If you count the fact that the doc ruined my bikini modeling career with one of the incision scars, then I'll never be healed. LOL! (FYI Mom - that was a complete joke). I still am tired but not sure if that was due to 3 late nights in a row last weekend or what. When it comes to my emotions and what not, I have good days and bad days, but mostly good.

It's been two weeks. I've had a flood of different emotions go through me. First, I am sincerely grateful for all of the prayers in my behalf and the sincere messages I received. I realized more and more that really what I have experienced is nothing compared to many of the things you have all endured.

Although I know what I know in regards to my relationship with God and the gospel of Jesus Christ, I have still experienced some challenging feelings and emotions. For the last week I've been struggling with anger and frustration towards God. Some, including my husband, have said, "The Lord is in control." But every time I hear that I get angry. This is all out of my control and I hate that. I found myself struggling with anger towards God. If he's in control he's to blame right? Seriously is it possible to be angry at God without getting struck with lightning? It doesn't seem fair, and it isn't, but life isn't about fairness is it. I know, I know.

I feel frustrated because I paid for a baby and didn't come home from the hospital with one. Now all that money we saved up (we have horrible insurance so every baby costs us about $5,000), we have to save up again.

I feel discouraged. I know 10 months of trying to get pregnant isn't much compared to those of you who waited 2, 3, 5 years. But every month it feels like I get my hopes up only to get them dashed. And then finally, FINALLY, my wish came true. I didn't have any reason to think something would go wrong. I feel like I took pregnancy for granted, even that once you are pregnant, nothing would go wrong. Now, my prayers have changed. I bought a cute maternity dress for the summer. I am returning it. About six months ago I started buying baby girl clothes every now and again. Who knows if we'll ever have a girl, but it was exciting, it brought hope that I'd get pregnant. Now it seems like a waste all of the sudden.

I feel damaged. All of my significant health problems have been related to my girl parts. Gosh darn it. I have been freaking out about getting pregnant now with one fallopian tube. My two week post op check with the doctor couldn't come soon enough with so many questions. I was so drugged when the doc came in the morning after surgery that I didn't even know what to say.

Today was my two week post-op check with the doctor. The room brought back some pain. Two weeks ago I was eagerly waiting (although in pain and slightly worried something was wrong) the doc to confirm the pregnancy and that I was just experiencing some normal pregnancy pains. Two weeks ago I got the horrible news the pregnancy would have to be ended.

Results that dreaded day: I was bleeding internally. I'd lost about 200 cc's of blood. That was the source of my severe pains. The doc had to take out 1/3 of my left fallopian tube and I now have a 1 in 10 chance of having another ectopic pregnancy.

Did you know that you still ovulate every month when you only have one tube? The doctor gave me hope today. The human body is amazing regardless of my damaged goods. Both ovaries can feed into either tube so hopefully our next dear baby won't lose its way. He says my right tube looks good. In the future I have to call the doc as soon as I find out I'm pregnant and then get in his office as soon as possible to confirm the pregnancy and its location to hopefully prevent the same damaging effects. Its a tricky thing though because you have to wait long enough to detect the pregnancy and its location, but if you want too long to when there is a visable heart beat its too late. I was probably 5-6 days too late this time. You have to surgically remove the egg rather than use the chemotherapy medications that kill it at that point. Tricky business! I am hopeful though and really praying that this was just a bump in the road and that the Lord's timing doesn't involve waiting for too much longer.

diy frosting...yum!

Are your taste buds salivating already? Does the title of this post and that picture confuse you? Well anything decor related gets my taste buds going! Oh wait, maybe its the fact that I'm eating an entire plate of brownies as we speak. I deserve it after this week right? Right!

So I've been thinking about our entry area lately. It needs a plan. It needs life. I'm struggling with the entry table because the ones I like are expensive and not really functional (they just look pretty) and I'm realizing I should use the space for more function of either housing my stuff or more of gavin's toys. I'm thinking some sort of dresser is the key. Anyway, that is another post. I've been despising the DIY curtains I whipped up a couple months ago and want to tear them down immediately, but they are our only privacy unless we go back to having our entry closet door open to block the window. So, when I was visiting a friend in utah her front entry window was frosted and it got me thinking. Frosting!! That would still allow light in that I miss with the curtain and it would give privacy!

Here is an DIY I just came across on design sponge. What do you think? She just used clear contact paper and a paint pen. I love the lines, not the flowery stuff. Hmmmm... Here is the full post over at Design Sponge for your DIY pleasure. As soon as I'm healthy enough to get out of my house, I will be buying contact paper and a white paint pen!

Losing it's Way

My Valentine's Day was...well to say the least...eventful. I woke up to this sweet homemade valentine by Ryan. I had to laugh at his interpretation of me but it was sweet. Notice anything in my belly region?!? Well, I planned this post for a few weeks from now to announce that I am pregnant. Unfortunately, the Lord has other plans for us for now. I've been sick the past week with severe cramps on and off. I finally got in to see the doctor and he confirmed my fears--I had an ectopic pregnancy. The doctor sent me straight to the hospital and Ryan and I spent the night in the hospital while I had surgery. It's hard to accept but I received a priesthood blessing and have faith that the Lord will give me strength to handle this trial. Someday I will have more children, someday! This is all fresh and I think I'm still in a little denial, but I decided part of the process is sharing it, something I don't do often. The X-ray tech told me when she had an ectopic pregnancy she told her kids the baby got lost on it's way here. My baby got lost on it's way.

my house: dining room/kitchen updates

Dining Room/Kitchen Updates

I can't even remember how many months ago it was I promised pictures of the updates I've made to our dining room and kitchen. Well, it has taken time and in fact, still not complete. We did the initial painting and haven't finished the kitchen or hallway. I have, however, added some decor and we did finally get our pendant lights about the kitchen island switched out. Ryan's dad is AMAZING! I love that he has so many handy skills and he is so generous and willing to help. I ask for advise and guidance, and he saves me and does it for me. When Gavin and I were in Utah he came out I think twice to make these lights happen and I was so excited to see them up when I got home!

So, here the are the photos and I will be the first to admit they are not in focus and horrible lighting. As such, I took the liberty to edit them and use some fun new techniques I've come across. You still get the idea... Someday I will photograph them again and hope for better results. I've been trying to shoot out of auto mode so I'm still getting used to aperture and shutter speeds when dealing with bad lighting and it is proving to be more of a challenge than I realized. I also couldn't get the woods in the kitchen cabinets and floors to read right. They aren't as orange/red as they look. I would love to paint them out white but it would be a HUGE $$ investment to have it done right and since we don't want to be here long-term it was out.

Wondering what that big white circled on the photo is? Its covering up the horrible builder-grade light that is still in the dining room. It so doesn't go with the updates and I've been struggling to find the right light to replace it. We need the 800-1000 Watts of light that it gives off (isn't that awful though, I mean seriously not good). I am looking for a compromise around 300 watts and a dimmer switch, but its hard to find anything that will cast light up and not just down on the table. I am leaning towards an oversized paper lantern around 30-36 inches in diameter and a light fixture that is inserted inside around 300 watts.

I was able to create a little desk area for myself in the corner of the dining room. For the first 3 years we were in this house the cut out area sat blank and was the first and only thing people commented on when they walked into the room. "Why is that there?" Our response, "No clue!". So, after debating about having a built-in desk added and not wanting to spend that much money, I found this little parsons desk on WalMart.com. Its not anything crazy but it works for the area and will do the job. We probably won't need it once we leave this house so I think the minimal investment was key. I love having this little area. Its all mine!!

I think I've said it before that our house has some built-in architecture that really gives it a cabin feel. I love modern (think warm wood, black and white contrast, industrial, rustic). So, I have been trying to decide on some changes we can make to help meld the home closer to my style and at a low cost. Neither Ryan or I want to live here long term (like no more than 5 more years) so I hesitate to make serious changes to the home. I also don't know how many people who live in Orland would appreciate modern design so I don't want to invest in something that won't appeal to people when we go to sell the home.

This display on the console is probably not permanant. Ryan thinks its weird having the green board there. Its a bulletin board I made (still need some more nailhead tacks to finish the trim). It was a bulletin board from Salvation Army for like $10 and I already had the fabric. I used it for activity days but am not doing that any more. Down the road with kids we could post quotes of the week, whatever. We will see...

Here are the amazing lights! They look smaller in the photos, but seeing them here I wonder if I could pull off the next size up. I may try them out. I love large oversized lights! Here is the magnetic chalkboard wall I painted. I love it! I found some dustless chalk that works pretty good. We have already been enjoying it drawing clocks, airplanes, and trucks. I love that it breaks up the wood and adds the black that I wanted to use in the walls.

Here is the other angle. I sewed a faux roman shade for the kitchen window. It took me a while to line up the pattern. Note to self: when a beginner seamstress stick with solid fabrics. Its tough because i love the prints! Its not perfect but I'm happy with it (most of the time). Its a chevron print (zig zag). It adds a modern kick to the area. We still need to paint out the area around the shade with the gray that's in the dining room, same thing by the fridge and into the hallway.

The bathroom is next and coming along Sllllllllllllowly. Thanks to my father-in-law again he got us moving again by helping to remove the trim and wall paper in there. Removing wallpaper is probably the worst thing ever and I haven't done any of it myself yet. Ryan is so sweet to be working on it. I am excited about what I think the end result will be. It is coming out much like my inspiration board!! So excited!

What have you been doing around your house?