Trust

I just came across this talk by Elder Richard G. Scott, an apostle of the Lord. I remember when he gave this address (or at least studying many years ago) and I remember telling my sister about it a few years ago when she was going through a tough time. It speaks to me so differently now and I find so much more strength and meaning in it. I may have to read it daily for a while.... It's a gift from God!

I especially loved the following excerpt:

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.

This life is an experience in profound trust—trust in Jesus Christ, trust in His teachings, trust in our capacity as led by the Holy Spirit to obey those teachings for happiness now and for a purposeful, supremely happy eternal existence. To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning (see Prov. 3:5–7). To produce fruit, your trust in the Lord must be more powerful and enduring than your confidence in your own personal feelings and experience.

To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality. Yet at times we act as if we knew it all. When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.

I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life, He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith. He will place in your path packets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way. They often come after the trial has been the greatest, as evidence of the compassion and love of an all-knowing Father. They point the way to greater happiness, more understanding, and strengthen your determination to accept and be obedient to His will."

Ok, feeling better! I think its time for Fall "Must-Do" #2 Apple Cider! Cuz its raining outside! We might even throw in some spontaneous puddle jumping too when G gets up from his nap. I have a feeling we will become professionals at it once we live in Eugene! Is it an olympic sport? Should be!

playing the part

Warning: Pity Party may ensue...

I need your help.... How do you do it?

How do you find joy and feel happy for others who have typically developing children when yours is not. How do you express excitement and happiness for those who are having babies when you are not? When everyone's lives seem to be on track with their "plan" and yours is not? I've been battling this for a while and been quite successful, well as successful as I could be by just playing the part. I would express excitement and utter the words, all the while my heart aches. On my good days I can for small moments be excited for them. I seem to forget myself and I realize that their lives aren't free of challenge either and this is their moment for things to go right for them.

But today I can't do it. I can't seem to find the happiness. What about me? What about "my plan"? I've had to relinquish it to the Lord's plan and I guess today I'm having a hard time being patient. I can't sit around and wait for that typical child, for a cure for autism, or for my body to finally produce a baby that can even survive past being an itty bitty embryo. How do I do it? How did you do it? I know I'm not alone in this, challenge after challenge time of my life. I guess all I can do is keep praying for more strength, doing more to deepen my relationship with the Savior, make my prayers more sincere and more frequent and do as was told by an apostle of the Lord, Elder Hales, this weekend to "wait upon the Lord". I came across this article today. I appreciated her faith and it reminded me of all the Lord has been teaching me lately. She says, 'the Lord asks us to “wait patiently” on Him not because He has abandoned us, but because He loves us and wants us to draw closer to Him.'

Maybe once I strengthen my faith and hope that all things really will work out for our good, then I can find joy in others successes despite what seems like a life of disappointment and challenge for myself.

Hum... In the meantime either avoid me or tell me how crappy your life is and avoid informing me of any good news! Ok, maybe that's a little extreme!

tamale pie

It's October! Isn't that crazy! It is usually my more favorite time of the year, but this year is different. I just don't want to let go of the long summer days, the swimming and lazy weekends spent outside. Don't get me wrong, I am so over 100 degree days for sure! I love the crisp air that is starting to present itself. I will have to pack this fall with all the favorites to get me in the mood! So far, last week I made pumpkin squares and they were the only thing I ate for about a 24 hour period I fear. I did half with chocolate chips and boy those hit home!

I've been in the kitchen more than ever these days. I have the cooking bug and I have a feeling it won't be leaving soon because I have so many new recipes I can't wait to try. Pinterest seriously is amazing when it comes to cooking for me. I've already tried recipes I've found on there and love them! Tonight Ryan wasn't even coming home after work, but I decided I couldn't wait another day to try making this Tamale Pie recipe. My mom made Tamale Pie growing up but it wasn't my favorite of her dishes. I was more a fan of the tuna casserole (some of you are gagging right now), another I don't know the name of I think its kind of like shephards pie, and others. Well this one just looked so good in the picture I had to try it. Its from an issue of Better Homes and Gardens. I give it a 4 out of 5. I think all I'd change is to saute some onions in with the ground beef and I didn't add the full amount of salt and pepper it called for. That is odd for me because I err on more salt because s&p are the best way to "season" dishes (so the chefs have told me). I also added in black beans and corn with the olives. I cooked it all in one large deep casserole dish rather than smaller ones. I used a corn bread mix from Trader Joes and it was AMAZING!!! I couldn't figure out why we never have cornbread. It has whole pieces of corn it for goodness sakes! So, here's the recipe straight from the magazine (above). I also served it with sour cream on the side. Oh and the cilantro is a must! Yum! Just inviting a little more fall and cooler weather into our lives! Now if only mother nature will cooperate.

Fall "Must-Do" #1 Cook lots of yummy comfort foods!

What's on your list of Fall "Must-Do's"?

"Fixing" Autism

I am feeling peace. I am feeling strength. It is because of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

What would you do if you knew the road ahead of you would be bumpy and rough?

We all are bound to have challenges in this life. It is inevitable! This one, I would have never imagined for myself, for Gavin, potentially for more of our future children.

I was reminded of a talk I read many years ago about learning from the past, preparing for the future, and living in the present (I can't seem to find it. I think it was by President Monson and I think it was back in 2004-2006???). That reminder by the Holy Ghost has been my saving grace this week - to LIVE IN THE PRESENT. I feel at peace. I can only do all I can to prepare for the future, to learn and increase my understanding of Autism and what we need to do to help Gavin, but most importantly TODAY I can be the best mother I can to him. I can give up more of the things I want to do for myself (that don't have any eternal significance) and sacrifice because I want him to have the best life and best outcomes possible for his life. TODAY I can strive to live the gospel of Jesus Christ better than I did yesterday so that I can receive more strength and help from my Savior, more blessings. TODAY I will do more to strengthen my marriage so that we can prepare ourselves for storms ahead and grow closer together through this, rather than farther apart. TODAY I can kneel in more humble prayer more frequently when I just can't hold back the tears. My closet has become the most sacred place in our home. TODAY I can find joy in the very small improvements G is making and hope that more will come tomorrow. TODAY I have peace because of God's Plan of Happiness which provides understanding of our purpose here on this earth, that OUR SPIRITS ARE NOT DISABLED, and that through the atonement of Jesus Christ my sorrows, fears, and pains can be swallowed up in him as I lay them at his feet. I am finding happiness in this time of adversity.

P.S. I still cry! We still need an amazing support group! Want to be part of this support group? Then watch this YouTube Video to start (Isn't that song perfect! I love Coldplay and that song "Fix You" stuck out to me a few months ago as we've been journeying through early intervention. I love that he used it!). Educate yourselves about Autism. If you don't know where to go for accurate information, email me: stacy_beck@sbcglobal.net. The greatest gift you can give is to educate yourselves and then educate others around you.

P.S.S. For more information on the above and God's Plan of Happiness go here. It will change your life and your perspective! It will bring peace, I promise!

"Mud!"

Yesterday G discovered a mud puddle while Ryan was washing the car. He was in heaven as most little boys are when it comes to mud. He invited me to join him in enjoying it. After some limited oohing and ahhing, I realized that if I really want to make a change in his world I had to get down and dirty (literally) with him. So, we spent the next 30 plus minutes making mud soup and pretending to drink it. We used magnolia leaves to make sail boats and float them in the "river". We built a "bridge" out of weeds and added lots and lots of "sticks" to the "muddy river". We stomped and stomped and stomped in the water and splashed each other up one side and down the other with mud it seemed. And then when I'd had enough and went inside he came back inside and said "Come mama". Back outside it was for more until I convinced him we could play in the mud another day.

knock, knock

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Autism.

Bye, Bye (slams door).

** POST EDIT - After initially posting this I realize that it could be misunderstood. I have already read that mothers of children with autism have a funny sense of humor when it comes to dealing with acceptance and emotions. This joke doesn't imply that G doesn't have autism, it is meant to express through humor (my lame attempt at humor, sorry) that in fact G was diagnosed with Autism and my initial reactions to it. Hope that helps! We are still in the grieving/processing phase but I promise to write more soon. Thank you for all your love and support through this!

September 13, 2011

Its been a while...sorry.

We have a date.

September 13th 10:30am.

I've been working to get this date for a month now. Before that I was preparing myself to be ready for that date. I thought I was ready. Now that we have the coveted date my stomach is in knots. Its strange, just reality setting in that we will have something concrete to either go forward with or not. Things will continue as they are most likely one way or the other. Its our new reality. I talk openly, I even use the word in conversation with those closest to me. My reading material is plastered with it.

"AUTISM."

There I said it.

I have come to terms (or so I thought) and have my own personal diagnosis for Gavin.

Why, then do I all of the sudden feel so anxious and scared?

Maybe I'm not ready. It doesn't really matter if I am or not, he needs this and so do we.

Things have been more difficult lately. I don't even think its related to a disorder, probably just the natural development of a two-year old. I think he's fighting for autonomy and it sucks. I keep telling myself its good, because it is. It means he is developing appropriately, in some areas at least. Why does writing that make me cry?

Those darn doors. I'm about ready to take them all off their hinges. Its his thing and it seems like its getting worse. He is obsessed. He knows how to unlock deadbolts now so he continuously slams every single door in our house over and over and over and over and over again. Any kind of door, he doesn't discriminate. Have a headache yet? I do.

So, when the phone rang today and the woman on the phone told me she was calling to schedule the evaluation, I was relieved it was finally here and yet terrified at the same time. I think these opposite emotions are natural. Tell me they are.

All that being said...the past eight months since we began this journey of discovery and intervention have been amazing. Everyone we have worked with has been very professional and definitely have great concern for Gavin's success in life. I continually pray that the Lord will lead and guide us through this journey whatever it ends up being, that he'll inspire me and all of his interventionists, therapists, you name it. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Love this little man to pieces! Headaches and all...

We have a date!

In the mean time I will be reading this, and this, and just finished reading this.