Monday, October 3, 2011

playing the part

Warning: Pity Party may ensue...

I need your help....
How do you do it?

How do you find joy and feel happy for others who have typically developing children when yours is not. How do you express excitement and happiness for those who are having babies when you are not? When everyone's lives seem to be on track with their "plan" and yours is not? I've been battling this for a while and been quite successful, well as successful as I could be by just playing the part. I would express excitement and utter the words, all the while my heart aches. On my good days I can for small moments be excited for them. I seem to forget myself and I realize that their lives aren't free of challenge either and this is their moment for things to go right for them.

But today I can't do it. I can't seem to find the happiness. What about me? What about "my plan"? I've had to relinquish it to the Lord's plan and I guess today I'm having a hard time being patient. I can't sit around and wait for that typical child, for a cure for autism, or for my body to finally produce a baby that can even survive past being an itty bitty embryo. How do I do it? How did you do it? I know I'm not alone in this, challenge after challenge time of my life. I guess all I can do is keep praying for more strength, doing more to deepen my relationship with the Savior, make my prayers more sincere and more frequent and do as was told by an apostle of the Lord, Elder Hales, this weekend to "wait upon the Lord". I came across this article today. I appreciated her faith and it reminded me of all the Lord has been teaching me lately. She says, 'the Lord asks us to “wait patiently” on Him not because He has abandoned us, but because He loves us and wants us to draw closer to Him.'

Maybe once I strengthen my faith and hope that all things really will work out for our good, then I can find joy in others successes despite what seems like a life of disappointment and challenge for myself.

Hum... In the meantime either avoid me or tell me how crappy your life is and avoid informing me of any good news! Ok, maybe that's a little extreme!


  1. Hi Stacy,

    I'm Ryan's cousin, and I don't usually comment, since I don't know you personally, but I just had to chime in, because I've been feeling the same way lately.

    I told my husband recently that I needed to delete my facebook account because I seem to see about three pregnancy announcements a week! It IS so hard to see others' lives going according to plan. Other friends seem to have surprises that are not in their plan, but they are in mine, and it's so easy to compare and be discouraged and wonder why.

    I don't have any answers beyond what you wrote. You already have the answers! I'm just here to say I can relate, and it is Hard with a capital H. Sometimes it helps to know that others experience the same thing, and sometimes it helps me to remember that if Heavenly Father saw fit to give me these challenges, He apparently thinks I am tough enough to handle it!

    Your faith and optimism have always impressed me, and I know you're tough enough!

  2. Hey Sweetie,
    I've been thinking about you lots lately. I can totally empathize with you right now. Those were some of my exact feelings and thought when we were trying to get pregnant with Ashlyn. It's so hard to see others happy and with what seems like everything. I pray for you all the time and hope you are able to see some answers to your prayers and have your happy moments. Gavin is very blessed to have you as his Mom. as one of my oldest friends I can say you have always been a very thoughtful and giving person, and he will learn so much from you.

    Love ya.