dream on...

So the road of pregnancy has brought with it intense, very unrealistic, vivid dreams (often stopped short by my frequent bathroom breaks throughout the night). Well, I had one dream tonight (its now 2:53am and I couldn't go back to sleep since I went to bed at 7:30pm last night). So I thought I'd share and it seems fitting to do it as a letter to this lovely person--she's not even a real friend, someone I knew in student ward and wished had become a friend. We'll call her Jane for the story's sake. Here goes...

Dear Jane,

So don't freak out, just blame it on my pregnancy, but I had a dream about you last night. Pregnancy has been quite an interesting road thus far. I've always been a dreamer but these days they're more vivid and more dramatic--last week it was George Clooney and Brad Pitt and I was being chased by a mob in NYC. Fun times. I'm guessing you were in the dream because I came across a blog that really touched me and it brought you to my mind and that you would appreciate it to. You may already be aware of her story--she's from Provo, Utah. Here's her blog her husband and she wre in a small plane crash mid-August and are recovering from deep burns. They have 4 small children. She is an inspiration and her blog amazing! The blog is http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/ for updates or more info about the accident you have to go to her sister's blog there's a link on stephanie's page.

Anyway, I woke from the dream and for a moment had a hard time realizing it was only a dream. Then I laid awake and couldn't stop thinking about it, then my hubby started his tradition of snoring/grinding his teeth as if he had a pile of rocks in his mouth and 20 minutes later (which is a long time for me to lay away in bed) I was up consoling my grubbling tummy in order to avoid the beast of nausea. So, I decided to write while I digest these stale crackers.

Point of my letter--I dreamt that we ran in to each other at church in Utah and we hugged, I asked how you were and you told me you were pregnant. I replyed, "Me too!" But in your eyes, I saw something...you were scared to death. I asked and you affirmed as your eyes swelled with tears. (please don't get freaked at the detail-it is legit). Long story short- I took you to the side and started quoting from some talk/book which I never made out in the dream. it was a fond moment in my dream and I shared advise as if I was o-mother-wise or some prophet, but I shared with you 3 thoughts for advise and then we parted as the aquaintances we've remained. I don't remember all three. One was to embrace motherhood, move forward in faith because you'll be a wonderful mother. The one I remember the most can be best thought of if you first imagine me holding a crystal ball--"Jane, I sense that you have not let go of your past. You need to forgive yourself for your past and set yourself free." Ok, so a little sarcasm in case you really think I'm weird by now. There was no crystal ball but words and tears exchanged as I shared the feeling and my own experiences of years of self-torture and not forgiving myself for my mistakes and past choices. (that part a reality). The third I don't remember, but this story is long enough. Then as we parted ways I whispered "get a priesthood blessing".

So, analyze it as you may, but personally as I contemplate the advise given, I'm sure this applies more to me than to you. So, I will embrace motherhood and go forward with joy instead of relishing in the pain (in fact I did that this weekend and it felt good until my siatic flared up and by the end of the night I couldn't even walk to bed, thankfully Ryan lovingly carried me). I will let go of my preconceived notions/expectations of motherhood and love myself, my husband, and this growing child come what may, I will forget my past and move forward in faith, renew my testimony in Christ, and I will get a priesthood blessing. Lastly, I will appreciate this dream as it renewed in me my ability to be a great friend, a true friend. Although it was a dream it brought back a flood of memories of the most heartfelt times in my life when I either consoled or was consoled by a loving friend. Thank you to those of you who have been a tender mercy along the journey of life. I haven't forgotten you.

Sorry this was so long...another reason for you to assume I'm weird. Sorry. I laid awake too long debating if I should write about it to you, so the desire for more sleep and the thoughts to do it won...

Hope life is as you desire and deserve.

-Stacy