Sunday, September 21, 2008

dream on...

So the road of pregnancy has brought with it intense, very unrealistic, vivid dreams (often stopped short by my frequent bathroom breaks throughout the night). Well, I had one dream tonight (its now 2:53am and I couldn't go back to sleep since I went to bed at 7:30pm last night). So I thought I'd share and it seems fitting to do it as a letter to this lovely person--she's not even a real friend, someone I knew in student ward and wished had become a friend. We'll call her Jane for the story's sake. Here goes...

Dear Jane,

So don't freak out, just blame it on my pregnancy, but I had a dream about you last night. Pregnancy has been quite an interesting road thus far. I've always been a dreamer but these days they're more vivid and more dramatic--last week it was George Clooney and Brad Pitt and I was being chased by a mob in NYC. Fun times. I'm guessing you were in the dream because I came across a blog that really touched me and it brought you to my mind and that you would appreciate it to. You may already be aware of her story--she's from Provo, Utah. Here's her blog her husband and she wre in a small plane crash mid-August and are recovering from deep burns. They have 4 small children. She is an inspiration and her blog amazing! The blog is for updates or more info about the accident you have to go to her sister's blog there's a link on stephanie's page.

Anyway, I woke from the dream and for a moment had a hard time realizing it was only a dream. Then I laid awake and couldn't stop thinking about it, then my hubby started his tradition of snoring/grinding his teeth as if he had a pile of rocks in his mouth and 20 minutes later (which is a long time for me to lay away in bed) I was up consoling my grubbling tummy in order to avoid the beast of nausea. So, I decided to write while I digest these stale crackers.

Point of my letter--I dreamt that we ran in to each other at church in Utah and we hugged, I asked how you were and you told me you were pregnant. I replyed, "Me too!" But in your eyes, I saw were scared to death. I asked and you affirmed as your eyes swelled with tears. (please don't get freaked at the detail-it is legit). Long story short- I took you to the side and started quoting from some talk/book which I never made out in the dream. it was a fond moment in my dream and I shared advise as if I was o-mother-wise or some prophet, but I shared with you 3 thoughts for advise and then we parted as the aquaintances we've remained. I don't remember all three. One was to embrace motherhood, move forward in faith because you'll be a wonderful mother. The one I remember the most can be best thought of if you first imagine me holding a crystal ball--"Jane, I sense that you have not let go of your past. You need to forgive yourself for your past and set yourself free." Ok, so a little sarcasm in case you really think I'm weird by now. There was no crystal ball but words and tears exchanged as I shared the feeling and my own experiences of years of self-torture and not forgiving myself for my mistakes and past choices. (that part a reality). The third I don't remember, but this story is long enough. Then as we parted ways I whispered "get a priesthood blessing".

So, analyze it as you may, but personally as I contemplate the advise given, I'm sure this applies more to me than to you. So, I will embrace motherhood and go forward with joy instead of relishing in the pain (in fact I did that this weekend and it felt good until my siatic flared up and by the end of the night I couldn't even walk to bed, thankfully Ryan lovingly carried me). I will let go of my preconceived notions/expectations of motherhood and love myself, my husband, and this growing child come what may, I will forget my past and move forward in faith, renew my testimony in Christ, and I will get a priesthood blessing. Lastly, I will appreciate this dream as it renewed in me my ability to be a great friend, a true friend. Although it was a dream it brought back a flood of memories of the most heartfelt times in my life when I either consoled or was consoled by a loving friend. Thank you to those of you who have been a tender mercy along the journey of life. I haven't forgotten you.

Sorry this was so long...another reason for you to assume I'm weird. Sorry. I laid awake too long debating if I should write about it to you, so the desire for more sleep and the thoughts to do it won...

Hope life is as you desire and deserve.



  1. Love ya Stace. See you in October!

  2. by the way, your dreams are much better than mine. I dreamt that I gave birth halfway through pregnancy, played with the baby, then put him back in and let him grow for another few months. Like it was totally normal.

    I won't even go into detail about my dreams while pregnant with Reagan, but they were also very very weird.

  3. Oh this last week I also dreamed that for my birthday ryan adopted us another baby while I'm pregnant, got me a puppy and two rabbits. I HATE RABBITS! What is this nonsense?

  4. oh, i love crazy pregnancy dreams-- that's like one of the best parts about being pregnant! sweet story, though!

  5. You really dont' know me well, but since we are technically family, I will pretend we do. :)
    Motherhood has been a STEEP learning curve for me. I love Action. The first part of Motherhood is a SLOW time with little action. But... so what. I have now come to so many conclusions about motherhood that are so precious to me personally. I know the children sent to me were meant to be sent to me. Just thinking about motherhood makes me tear up. I tune into some of the most base instincts I have. It really makes me think of the proclamation... and think about the words "by divine design... basically women are created to be mothers". WOW... that is true.
    Anyway... maybe this is too deep for how little you feel like you know me.
    I am from Idaho... I love lakes...Disneyland...mexican food...adobe photoshop...Claire,Lucy and Tyler...
    there... now you basically know me. :)

  6. i had the same things happen when i was pregnant!!! so many crazy dreams! and sleepless nights, even though i was exhausted. now that brennan is sleeping 11 hours i still can't sleep b/c my body is trained to be up several times. i'm sure i will adapt back:-)

  7. Save me from my ignorance. Read my last post and comment. Here's the link:

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  9. Thanks so much for your comments on my political posts! They were very well said.
    So, when are you moving to Utah again? ;)

  10. I here what you're saying about the Subaru. Uck. Mark has been trying to convince me that we should get a Subaru, because we're selling our FJ to get something more fuel efficient and with lower monthly payments. But, for the love of all things chic and non-granola I do not want to drive a Subaru.

    Anyhow, I loved Oregon. Portland is so great. So much going on all the time. But it's extremely liberal and in your face about it. I didn't mind the liberal part as much as the in your face part.

  11. i LOVE that you wrote courtney a letter on your blog! and that you had a dream about her:-) seriously, the first thing i do every day is check cjane!!!