I've had a heavy heart the past couple of months, ok longer but who's keeping track? Mothering is a tough thing and I know its only begun. The Lord is blessing me and comforting me, giving me only what I can handle. Although I complain a lot about taking on challenges and wish for less, I know I can handle it, with His help.
I love family. It is my greatest gift. I love MY family.
Last night Gavin and I set up shop in his new tee pee. I needed a change of pace from a good 30 minutes of playing peek-a-boo with him that was going on. He couldn't get enough of it- the peek-a-boo. That kid can laugh! I started in with him playing at dinner and it went for at least 30 minutes (it felt like that at least). It transferred from me hiding my face to him doing it and then I upped the ante by hiding from him behind his high chair while he had his face behind the plate. He is such a gift. I have been praying lately that his fun disposition and calm sense of character will continue with him throughout life. He is just such a chill and happy dude.
Back to the tee pee. I lured Gavin in with farm animals and his tractor. He brought in his blankie. He is so Linus from Charlie Brown. We have been using Ryan's plaid flannel blanket from when he was a kid as the floor of his tee pee. Its a special place for us already. I have fond memories of the family tee pee growing up. Gavin's toys fall into two categories: one, the toys I loved and have special memories of as a child, and two, the toys I didn't get and wished I had. Its funny how life cycles. My goal is to let him enjoy and have/do the things he wants, not what I want him to have/do. But for now I have a little more say so!
After 20 minutes of laughter "Da Da" came home from church stuff. He joined us in the tee pee too. There was more laughter. Eventually Gavin escaped into the universe outside our special tent and it was just Ryan and I. I have a feeling that the tee pee will be a special place for us as well. We laid down inside together, his idea, I imagined the stars above (even though we were inside the house). There was magic in the air. I imagined our family years from now, not in its infancy like it is now. I dreamt of the children who are taking their precious time joining us here. I miss them and yet I haven't even met them yet.
There is longing and heartbreak, but there is more laughter and joy.
I have a heavy heart, but I can handle it, with His help.