bad mommy

The other day a dear friend posted a status update on Facebook about a mother and how she was talking/treating her children. It kind of hit a soft spot with me because I struggle at times to feel on top of the world and like I'm really getting this whole mothering thing and then other times I fail miserably. I guess I realized I could have been that mom. As soon as I read this friend's comment I thought back to my most recent moment of bad mommy experiences.

Recently, we invested in family bikes. I love riding around and we felt like it was a positive and realistic family activity with G's limitations and age. We have loved them. R has started biking to work and is determined to become a one-car family. I don't know about it. We'll see how he does during the long rainy winter. 

G and I have been riding around to our neighborhood parks and down on the river paths. It is so refreshing and fun! Two weeks ago we went on a ride that lasted a couple hours as we made a few different stops to play. It was fun, but by the end I was done. On our last stop I let him wade in the river with his shoes on. He wanted to so bad, but we hadn't come prepared and there was glass on the ground so I sacrificed his sneakers and let him wear them in the water. It was that good of a day that pretty much anything was okay because we were living it up! I think much of it was tied to this idealistic summer, the unforgettable summer I always dream of having each year, kind of like when it turns from summer to fall and you want to soak up those fleeting fall days and nights (only in Eugene its pretty much like fall during the summer so you get 4 months of fall weather!)

With each stop on our ride leaving and moving on became a little bit harder. Maybe each stop was just a little more fun for G and a little more exhausting for me, I don't know. We have our routine, our bag of tricks, that we use EVERY TIME + EVERYWHERE we go. It gets old, but at least with time and on most occasions he responds well. We give a few different warnings, sometimes one when we first get there if it is going to be a shorter than normal trip or different in any way, but always there is the "five more minutes then all done park," the "two more minutes then all done" and the "zero more minutes park". Even after those warnings our dialogue consists of "bye bye park" or "we'll come back soon" or "see you later park" or all of the above. This is not just isolated to parks, it includes any place that G loves or doesn't love for that matter (although the dialogue in the end would be more praiseworthy because he endured something he didn't want to so "Good job G! You did great! Thanks for waiting and being mommy's helper!" Something along those lines). None of this is innate within me. It was all taught by amazing intervention specialists who we would be lost without. Sometimes I forget the techniques and our days aren't as smooth or sometimes I let my frustration and temper get the best of me. 

Well sadly our picturesque day turned into a most unfortunate one. Getting back into the bike seat after wading in the river proved to be challenging! He did not want to end such a fun stop, but dinner time was approaching and I was ready to head on home. This was the farthest we had biked together and he had not napped that day. Eventually I was able to get him in the seat but it took running back after him as he escaped back into the river and carrying him to the bike up the hill, him crying and begging to stay. Typical toddler stuff probably. We finally got going again and he calmed down. I am sure I made many promises of returning, in fact, I recall saying we'd go get dad from work and come back. Oops I lied! We will go back someday, with dad so there are two of us to handle him. 

On the way back we had to pass "waterfall" outside of PF Chang's restaurant. Just a few days prior we stopped on a family bike ride and let G get out to walk around it and do his waterfall thing. He has a thing he does, the turning of the head, the angles, the sounds. I don't quite get it but someday I hope he can explain it. Well, today I didn't want to stop, however, G has this way of once he has done something a certain way he does it the same way every time and expects routines. Its good when you can control circumstances or when we want routines, but I don't want to have to stop and get him out of the bike seat for 5 minutes every time we pass "waterfall". I decided we could stop and admire it from our bike, but that wasn't good enough. When I informed him it was time to go he lost it. Kicking and screaming with all his might, I decided to ride on and ignore the behavior. It was very hard to ignore with him kicking my legs and back and the bike's balance becoming an issue. after 500 feet or so I abruptly stopped the bike and turned around. I regret what happened next and believe that it will forever be ingrained in my mind. I pointed my finger at him and told him he'd better stop. It didn't work and neither did my yelling and threats. In my frustration I resorted to what I would deem one of my most low points as a mother and human being. I wrapped my hand around his leg and dug my nails into his skin like I used to do to my sisters when we would fight as teenagers. It was cruel and it hurt him. I could see it in his eyes. It was one time in my life that I wished we hadn't gazed into each others eyes. It was horrifying. He seemed to submit to me in a terrifying way. What had I done? It is hard to admit this to the general mass, especially family and friends. My husband tried to console me telling me I'm doing my best or something, but is that really my best? I had hurt him. I had seen pain in his eyes. I knew it wasn't my best and I was horrified. 

Fast forward five days later and we went on a ride that passed by that same "waterfall". It is becoming such a common occurrence that any thought of succumbing to his desire is not realistic and my hope is that eventually he will accept that sometimes we stop and sometimes we don't. That has been the case with other obsessions usually the tantrums are done in a car where he can kick and scream and it doesn't physically involve me. Well, this ride five days later, I am happy to report went much better. I told him before we got to it that we would not stop on the way past but on our way back we would stop and look at it from the bike. He didn't get it but it is at least being vocalized. On the way back he knew we got to stop but the bike part he didn't get or didn't agree with. I walked him around the waterfall on the bike and then we said our goodbyes. He was upset. I remembered my tools this time and told him it sounded like he felt sad. I've been trying to help him realize what his emotions are and use words instead of scream. It didn't stop but he knew that kicking me wouldn't result in more waterfall so off we rode and singing a song to distract finally ended the tantrum once we made it through a couple of stoplights. 

Will he remember that day? I sure hope not for his sake and for mine. I want to help him to learn to remember the good and forget the bad. Somehow, some way I have to get to this point myself. Regardless, I will remember it (the bad) and hope to NEVER repeat it again. Needless to say I have become more consistent about seeking God's help to be more compassionate in those hard moments, something I had slacked at more recently. I wonder how I will look back on this time of our life together. I know there have been challenges, but it has been very rewarding too. My abilities as a mother have been stretched and I have been able to sacrifice and do more for G than I could have imagined. I have much more to learn though. Thankfully, despite my inadequacies and failings, the Lord has been there with us along the way and is taking sweet G into His hands and many miracles continue to happen. Goals that were established a few months ago are already accomplished. Hopefully the same can be said for me.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep: losing a child

The gift of life is pretty prominent in my mind these days. This morning I discovered a blog dedicated to a loving family's baby who passed away just prior to his due date due to an umbilical cord injury. Two days shy of birth and meeting their baby, this mother had to endure labor and delivering the baby knowing she would not be able to raise him in this life. It was very humbling and touching. Another new friend lost her husband at the age of 25. She is now a widow raising 3 kids and a new little baby. My heart breaks. It really puts my challenges which seem very hard at times into perspective and helps me to really appreciate those quiet moments when I have felt the Lord's presence in my life witnessing to me that these things will be for my good and I can endure through them and grow from them. I pray with all my heart these sweet families have the same necessary moments confirming God's love for them. 

In reading that blog, I came across an amazing cause. The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation provides free professional photography services to families who experience the loss of a baby. Professional photographers donate their time and talents to these families. I think it is really an amazing gift. What an amazing use of talent and gift to give. Here's the link to their website: http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/. I hope that everyone who experiences this loss would have the chance to capture the memory of their child. The website shares their belief that through photography and remembering this little baby aids in the healing process.

I have experienced an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage and we struggle with having more children, but I can't even imagine what it would be to experience the loss of a child or spouse. I do know that God and His angels are very near in these moments and those families are blessed to experience great outpourings of the Spirit and God's love. 

Sorry for the downer of a post, I just had to share this amazing service. I'll be back soon with a post on last night's dinner.

on my mind: stand-ins

stand-in (stndn) n. 1. One who substitutes for an actor while the lights and camera are adjusted or during hazardous action. 2. A substitute.

So I've been thinking. I've been thinking about spiritual stand-ins. During the past year I've experienced a lot of challenges. I've also had friends and family experience challenges. Its part of life. In attempting to understand the "why" of my own personal tragedies I came to learn that if allowed, the Lord has lessons to teach us through these challenges. I've come to realize that these challenges and adversities allow my Savior to take his teaching role in my life and help to mold me spiritually. Learning this has caused me to have more gratitude for challenges (I still have my moments of hating them of course, I'M HUMAN!). I seem to have more faith that I will be able to get through them with my Savior and that I can be a better person because of them. I'll admit that I would have loved to had someone come and sweep me away, out of those miserable moments, those times when I just couldn't take it anymore, when I just couldn't see the light ahead. Shoot I'd love to have all of my challenges taken away this very instant, but I know better--1. that will never happen; 2. I know its for my eternal good!

I'm sure you'll all agree with me, we all want that someone to make everything alright and for all the bad to just go away.

This got me thinking. Do we not as mothers do that for our children? Do we attempt to make all the bad stuff go away? Maybe its how its meant to be, but because of what I've learned about challenges and the Savior's ability to succor and to comfort and all that it has taught me about the atonement and turning to my Savior (because I didn't have someone there to make the bad stuff go away), it causes me to wonder. I wonder whether or not we can actually become stand-in's for the Savior when he is the only real source of peace, comfort, and the only one able to save. In our attempts to love and free our children and others from pain and suffering do we actually neglect and lose out on opportunities to teach them of the power of the atonement and to help them develop a relationship with their Savior? Do we attempt to make all of the bad go away and thus rid them of the need for the Savior? Do we prevent circumstances that would otherwise require bended knees and humility before the Lord?

Earlier this year our son received a priesthood blessing just prior to his ADOS evaluation to determine a diagnosis of Autism. In the blessing, the Lord blessed our son that he would be able to use the atonement to rise above challenges. I've thought a lot about that promise and realized my role in helping to teach Gavin the power of the atonement. It wasn't until my adult years that I began to understand the atonement as a source of peace and comfort to pains and sorrows. It had always been viewed as a mechanism for forgiveness of sin. I had never understood the underlying foundation of the atonement, perfect (complete) love.

At the age of 2, Gavin has already had to do many hard things. There have been countless moments when I've wanted to quit it all. I've wanted to just embrace the happy boy that our son is, avoid his challenges, and forget the therapies. He will have even harder things ahead. I sometimes think about the days ahead and fear when his autistic characteristics in his speech and social behavior will turn from cute now, to odd and different which will lead other children to tease him and not want to be his friend. I hope and pray that I fear the worst, but of course I want nothing more than to prevent those moments from ever happening. But, I can't. There will most likely always be noticeable differences and even typically developing children generally always experience social insecurities, bullying, and the likes. Shoot! I was nicknamed "Stacy O'Smell" my freshman year by the boys in biology class and was constantly teased by the girls on my sports teams through high school. Its inevitable. Looking back, I didn't have a parent rushing in to make things better, I didn't even tell my parents, but if I had understood the atonement more and the power of my Savior to help me through those moments, I could have grown from them, instead of becoming more and more insecure and hating high school when it came to social relationships.

Its as if our relationship with the Savior is built on experience after experience of turning to him so that he in turn can come to our aid--"And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:12). In this text succor means to "run to". So he has suffered that he might be able to run to us. I love the imagery those words invoke in my mind. I imagine the Savior dropping everything he is doing to attend personally to my needs and rushing to my side. And I know that he does the same for my son as we continually witness miracles in his life during the past year. Each small moment develops and adds to a foundation of faith in Jesus Christ, in His atonement, and in His Gospel.

To realize that even Lehi, a prophet of God, couldn't prevent his sons from dissenting or from the problems they caused Nephi, gives me much perspective about my role as a parent. The Lord doesn't prevent much of life's heartache and sorrow because agency plays such a significant role in His plan of happiness. He understands that it is our agency that allows us to choose to turn to Him and to experience the bitter and the sweet. In electing ourselves stand-in's for the Savior in succoring our children (old and young), they miss out on vital spiritual life lessons.

We have to teach them to believe. They come to earth innocent and full of faith, but the world quickly pollutes that innocence and if we are not there to help them establish from a very young age a foundation of faith in Jesus Christ and his atonement and help that childlike faith to blossom when they are young, our children will seek happiness in places other than the Savior and His gospel. He will not be their refuge from the storms of life. The prophets and apostles of our time have continuously been promising us that if we will do the "small and simple things" individually and as a family consistently and deliberately, then we will be greatly blessed! Our children will be more prepared to witness for themselves the power of atonement in their times of need and we will have more faith in our Savior and a greater ability to be sensitive to the Holy Ghost and those teaching moments and times when we need to hold off from jumping in to rescue our children and instead help them in opening their arms to the Savior, who will undoubtedly run to their side! Each experience adds to their reservoir of faith and testimony in the reality of the living Savior and prepares them for challenges ahead as they will undoubtedly come.

* Please realize I don't mean that you should allow your toddler child to touch a hot stove or run into a busy street, nor am I saying that we should not attempt to prevent our children from making big mistakes. This is merely a representation of some of my observations of life and relationships, as well as, food for thought and discussion on the significance of the Savior and His atonement in our lives and the lives of our family.

If you only knew...

Please excuse the extremely long post, but Ryan and I agreed it was important to document this year and everything our family has been through as a sort of family history and reminder of the lessons learned.

.2011.

After reading a friend's look back at 2011 of her life via blog, I decided to take a look back at what I had posted throughout the year. It being a very challenging year, I wondered how much of it I had actually documented. I wondered what my perspective had been and feelings I'd felt throughout the year that had been softened by perspective and growth. I knew there had been months of silence. The first month, January, I only posted once, here. As I read, I couldn't help but say to myself, "If you only knew then what you would endure this year." I would have never imagined such a year up for myself, but now looking back its been a trying but wonderful year!

January - Gavin received his results from his developmental delay intake and was approved for the intensive early intervention program through Parent Infant Programs (PIP). He started the intensive 5 days a week program the end of January.

We also found out we were finally pregnant with baby #2! We were excited!

February - Gavin was evaluated and approved for Occupational Therapy (OT) once a week to address his gross and fine motor developmental delays and his sensory integration delays.

Our excitement about baby #2 quickly came to a disappointing end when I started experiencing horrific cramping and pain and was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy, go here and here for the details and recovery.

March - Gavin began OT with a wonderful therapist who has come to love G as one of her own children I believe. She has been so good to us! I have prayed that his therapists and interventionists would grow to love him and be inspired to provide the best care they have and she is definitely one of the many answers to those prayers. Gavin also was evaluated for and started Speech Therapy.

He still had no speech, maybe after being prompted he would say single words. I honestly can't remember.

Ryan left for his clinical residency in Austin, Texas for 9 weeks and G and I stayed home. It was a rough start but after the first week it was amazing how much the Lord blessed us. I honestly thrived during that time and was really happy!

April - Ryan was gone. I made 2 trips to Austin to see him and my family took care of G so I could go solo. They ended up being awesome times for us to be together alone and have fun making memories.

Gavin increased speech therapy to 2 days a week instead of one and we reduced intervention to 4 because our schedule was too crazy.

A tender mercy from the Lord occurred and G's nasal problems with speech went away almost overnight and his speech has grown like crazy since that day. We started realizing his receptive language skills were much better than we realized and his expressive has blossomed since then!

May - Ryan came home the end of the month. G was a completely different kid! Miracles happening! Ryan passed the clinical portion and found out he would be able to take his oral exams in November 2011 rather than waiting until October 2012 like we thought. Although exciting this meant he had to get right to work studying after being gone 9 weeks. Another grueling 5 months and then hopefully we'd be done with the diploma portion of McKenzie and all seriously hard schooling for a while (cross my fingers).

June - Job offer resurfaced with Eugene, Oregon PT clinic. Ryan started discussing details and offer. We had a great summer and lots of fun weekends hanging around home and our parents pools. We made one trip to Santa Cruz with G and Ryan's parents. Love that place. It may be our last trip in a while, sad.

July - ? Must have been pretty normal thank goodness!

August - we received the date for G's medical evaluation by Dr. Lisa Benaron - September 13th. I was busy reading books and research articles on autism to get a better understanding about the disorder and to figure out where G was at on the spectrum. I read Dr. Benaron's book before the exam to really wrap my head around it and intellectually and emotionally prepare myself for the diagnosis.

We accepted the job in Oregon and schedule a interview/meeting with the Corporate office in Texas.

September - I turned 30. I'm excited for my 30's! We found out were were pregnant (I took 3 different tests to confirm, even different brands) with baby #3 (#2, attempt #2). I started bleeding and we had blood work done to see if I had miscarried. The day we flew to Texas for our interview for the Oregon job I took a pregnancy test again and it was negative, confirming my fears I had miscarried. We had the interview in Texas and details about the Oregon job that we hadn't be given previously shook us up some and had us worried maybe we'd made the wrong decision (also let me note that Ryan had given notice to his employer which we hadn't planned on doing until after the contract was signed, but circumstance kind of forced it on him. So, when problems seemed to have arisen with the Oregon job I was terrified because we weren't guaranteed his current job here anymore). Then the next day after flying home we had G's autism evaluation and he was diagnosed with classic autism. The worst news being that we had a higher than expected chance of having another child with autism, up to 40% chance depending on how much genetics was playing a part.

We hit rock bottom emotionally, but quickly the Lord picked us up and I felt at peace and true happiness despite how bumpy the road. Within a 5 day period we had found out I was pregnant and then I miscarried, we had to reconsider the job offer in Oregon, G was diagnosed with Autism and we would have to accept that we may very well have another child (or children) with Autism or seek out adoption.

October - Ryan and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. Every year gets better! Its helps when year 1 was pretty dang rough. We are grateful and laugh about it now!

General Conference was a huge boost for me. I love receiving counsel and words from our prophets and apostles.

For Halloween, Ryan was a volcano, Stacy a Cave Woman and G a dinosaur. G loves volcanoes so Ryan suggested the prehistoric theme.

November - Final push to exam time for Ryan's oral exams for MDT. He traveled to St. Louis, Missouri for the exams. No more studying but now it was full of worrying whether he passed or not with such a low pass rate. The exam wasn't without bumps in the road-- radiator problems on way to airport to fly to test and almost missed his flight. Ryan missed his connecting flight on the way home and had to spend the night in the airport and lucked out getting a another flight the next day (it was Veteran's Day weekend and a Monday) and then had to have the car towed home from the airport in Sacramento.

I remember after this weekend saying to Ryan something like, "I prayed that you'd travel safe and without delay, but I guess my prayers just weren't answered." As I was thinking back about how there were several bumps in the road that seemed so frustrating at the time during this weekend I realized now that although I wanted a seamless weekend for Ryan's travels, if the Lord had granted that then I probably wouldn't have been as grateful or apt to recognize what he did bless me with. Without challenges be them small or large it is so easy to forget the Lord and think that our success is because of our own strength or due to coincidence.

That weekend I was grateful that we had AAA plus and that it was only 93 miles to home instead of over 100 so that it didn't cost us a penny to tow the car home. It made me every so grateful that somehow Ryan's mom was able to find a $350 ticket to get Ryan home after missing his flight rather than the $1000-2000 tickets we were quoted on the phone and initially seeing online. It made me realize that the Lord did in fact know the limit to what we could handle and gave us just enough to humble us and help us turn once more to Him.

I was finally able to put aside my fears and we signed the contract and officially accepted the Oregon job. Since signing the contract all of the anxiety and fear that had taken over me has been gone. It feels so good to have that decision made and to press forward now. Another testament to the power of the Lord's holy priesthood.

Thanksgiving was great and we ran our first 5k. I intended on doing a mix of running and walking but ended up running the entire thing, pushing the double jogger stroller too! I've since started running about 3 miles on at least a weekly basis. It feels so good. I never imagined I'd say that! We agreed to make it a family tradition to do Turkey Trots each year on thanksgiving. We are considering training for a 10k! Eugene is full of races each month of the year! Its a runner's paradise.

December - After just short of a month of waiting on pins and needles, we finally got news that Ryan had passed his oral exams and completed the diploma program. Ryan S. Beck, DPT, Dip.MDT (oh ya!). What a huge blessing from the Lord! The pass rate we had been told was around 50% so this was a HUGE blessing!!!!

If I'd only known.... Honestly I think there is wisdom in NOT knowing. Would I have signed up for the kind of year I had. My first response, NO, HECK NO! But then slowly and surely, the Lord has blessed me with more understanding about who I am and my potential and how all of these challenges are indeed experiences that will be for my good.

This year truly has been a testament to the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the words of his scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon. Line upon line, he has given me just enough to challenge me and humble me to turn closer to him. What I didn't detail above is how much my testimony has grown. I have felt it in my life--stronger faith and more willingness to obey. I have more of a desire to share my testimony and express gratitude. I realized that this desire to express it comes in my life when I am living the gospel more fully and when my testimony is growing, but that those desires don't come when I am not actively living the gospel and striving to grow and improve. I have struggled all my life to read my scriptures and this year because of a true gift from the Lord (a very sacred moment in my spiritual lifetime I have no doubt), I have consistently read the Book of Mormon daily for the majority of the year. I read the entire Book of Mormon and have been able to read and spiritually experience for myself the power of that witness and the truth and safety that lies in follow its counsel. I have now more than ever instituted sincere prayer into my life as a result of being humbled and knowing that in order to accept and embrace the world of Autism that I needed the Lord. That challenge turned me even closer to God. It still has to be a conscious decision everyday to keep doing it and to do it with a sincere heart and effort but I have felt the power it has had in my life and I know that true happiness and peace are possible and only come through doing the small and simple things the prophets and Lord have commanded us to do.

In January I posted that the pending news of G's developmental delays was a challenge I didn't know if I could handle. Had I known then all that would actually occur I probably would have totally lost it, but the Lord prepared me throughout the year to be able to faithfully endure and actually grow through the challenges.

My goal as a result of this year is to strive to always remember God and my dependence on him for happiness. The Book of Mormon is a true testament of the joy and happiness that can come through always remembering Christ. It is also a testament to the misery and destruction that will come from forgetting God and relying on our own strength. I choose to remember Christ and to honor the covenants I have made with Him!

And because of what I know now and have experienced this year, I am choosing to continue on to what could be another challenging year but also has the potential to be more beautiful than I can imagine! Faith and hope in the Lord's promised blessings are powerful!

ten

here's my thankful post!

Ten. Ten months! It has been 10 months since G started his early intervention. The method they use is Early Start Denver Model which uses the main components of ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) therapy and establishes small piece-by-piece measurable goals for teaching and achievement and relationship based therapy. Gavin has been fortunate enough to have the same interventionist since the beginning. She has been by his side 4 days a week, 2 hours a day for 10 months now. She will forever hold a special place in our hearts when this chapter of G's life comes to an end and he ages out of the early intervention program. I really hope he remembers her. I need to get some pictures of them together. This early intervention has had the most amazing impact on G and on how Ryan and I parent and help Gavin. I sometimes feel like I'm more a therapist than a mother to Gavin, but more often I feel like I am actually having precious moments with my child that I was missing prior to this intervention.

A year ago G wasn't even talking. If prompted enough times verbally and visually he would repeat the word "Keys", but it wasn't natural or spontaneous speech. Now he is speaking 4 word sentences. Tonight he says, "Dada go in gym". Last night when leaving the grocery store we saw a dog in the back of a truck. I pointed out the dog and Gavin said, "Dog in truck. Dog in Blue Truck." Even more precious, today we were playing hide and seek. We were hiding around the couch and I was on hands and knees crawling as fast as I could to get away from him and hide. No bueno on hard wood floors! No bueno! The discomfort and floor burn was worth the giggles and laughs. We were pretending to be airplanes, dancing to Elmo and Sesame Street songs on Pandora. We were pillow jumping off the couch and playing "Tickle Gavin". As soon as I'd stop, he'd want more. He was alive and I was alive as a parent, albeit exhausted from spinning and jumping and dancing around with absurd amounts of energy and animation in my actions and face to help Gavin become more excited and thus motivated to imitate me. Its exhausting and probably slightly embarrassing, but for this little man, I WILL DO ANYTHING!

People games (those that require an adult's interaction in order for the child to play) are highly motivating to Gavin and almost all children with Autism. From the Hanen "More Than Words" class that Ryan and I have been taking we have learned the significance of these games in prompting conversation and language with Gavin and increasing social skills. If you want that kid to make eye contact with you (something he has been significantly lacking) get physical with him or play "where's Gavin" or hide and seek and you won't be able to stop him from looking at you, engaging with you, and verbally asking for more. He comes alive and the tools we have learned from intervention and More Than Words has helped us to extend these moments on and progress them farther. Its a beautiful thing to engage with your child and before all of this, 10 months ago, those moments were few and far between. Everyday, multiple times a day.

While we were playing the song "Fix You" by Coldplay came on Pandora. Its the song that plays with the Autism video I blogged about here. So naturally it reminded me of that video. Moments later I realized all of the healing that has been going on. I realized how much progress G has been making. I'm so in the thick of it and so entrenched in the small little goals that I forget the much bigger ones and how much closer he has come to achieving them. Let me remind you, a year ago he was saying NOTHING he wouldn't look into your eyes for the life of him, not even if you offered him a room full of trucks and chocolate. Now he is a chatter box and is becoming more and more aware of the world and people around him and talking about it. He can tell me what he wants and when he starts to get frustrated and throw a fit I can tell him to use his words and he will 9 out of 10 times stop and tell me what he wants. He says hi to the person standing behind us in line at the store and starts talking to them about his "monster truck, vroom, vroom". Yes, he still has more progress to make and will have more challenges come as he grows, but he is making progress and engaging and that amazing! It is all about small steps and improvement. Forward motion is key!!

I have no intention of "curing" G of autism, but I am determined to help him grow and overcome as many barriers as he can so that he can be as happy and successful in life as possible. It has been 10 glorious and miraculous months and I thank the Lord for them. He has been good to us and I have faith that he will continue to bless Gavin and our family! It is amazing how we are so limited in our perspective and understanding of life and its challenges. What is often viewed as catastrophic can in time and with the Lord's hands become miraculous!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Update: This is just a glimpse into G's progress. He has also been blessed with an amazing Occupational Therapist who has been helping him with his sensory integration issues, and fine and gross motor delays. He has also been receiving Speech Therapy throughout the past 9 months as well. We have been so blessed with people who love and encourage G along. He also has been in a playgroup for kids with developmental delays for 2 months now and has finally come to the point where it is the highlight of his week. He is learning to parallel play with his peers and is having little moments of true genuine engagement with his own peers. This is all in preparation for beginning preschool when he is 3, which will be a whole new chapter for us.

taking stock...

what are we doing these days you ask?

We are "setting our house in order."

Doctrine & Covenants 93:43.

This last weekend we traveled to Eugene, Oregon. Beautiful, simply beautiful. If a place is beautiful in the winter you know its gorgeous in the summer and fall! Well, while visiting we were invited to my cousin Marie's home for dinner and then attended church with her family the following day. Gav was having his usually difficult time during church because napping was difficult and it seemed maybe it'd be easier to just leave early, but I decided we should stay. Boy howdy am I glad. I can't say that I had this crazy revelation or amazing moment where this bright light appeared or even went on in my head, but it was more of being where you're supposed to be on Sunday, worshipping God. The third meeting was a combined meeting because of Ward Conference and the topic was "Bringing up your Children in Light and Truth". The speakers did a great job of sharing their personal experiences raising children and helping us to understand counsel given recently by an apostle of the Lord, Elder Bednar. His talk was given during our church wide conference this past October. He referenced the scripture in D&C 93 and talked about being "More Diligent and Concerned at Home." I have to admit, I have much need for repentance and this week we have been trying to apply this talk and those things shared in the lesson to our home life. What stuck out to me the most at this time in my life is how much the "seemingly small things" matter so much. I realized that my neglect in these "small things" was keeping me from experiencing greater peace, happiness, and joy in life that I desperately need. They are essential if I want to draw on the much needed power of God to make certain decisions in life that face us and to be the wife and mother I have been praying to be. Elder Bednar suggests that, "as we are more faithful in LEARNING, LIVING, and LOVING the restored gospel of Jesus Christ" we can become more diligent and concerned at home. Questions have come into my mind like:

Do I "love" the gospel? What am I doing on a daily basis to learn, live and love the gospel of Jesus Christ? What things am I not doing? What things am I doing that are contrary to being diligent and concerned at home? Is Christ the center of our home? Is He the center of my life? Do I love him the most? If not, what do I love more? What is the center of our home? Is it materialism? Media? the distractions of the world? What do I spend my time doing if I'm not learning about and living the gospel of Jesus Christ? What is the center of each of my days?

This reminds me...I sat down at the piano earlier today and as I was playing my mind wandered to thoughts of the much needed setting in order we are undergoing. I experienced the following epiphany: I was leading my life much like someone who carelessly throws their laundry into the washer and dryer, setting the dials to whatever they chose, maybe mixing all the clothes in for convenience sake, completely disregarding the care instructions found on the clothing. These instructions came from the manufacturer, the creator of that item. We too have a Creator. I have a Creator! He lovingly sent me here with my own care instructions. He has given them to me in the form of scriptures, prophets of God, priesthood leaders, and personal revelation through prayer and meditation. In neglecting their counsel and not putting it as the priority in my life, I risk losing everything that I hold dear to myself. I can destroy the happiness and joy in life that I desperately desire.

Some things don't seem to make that much of a difference. You rationalize that even though the instructions say to hang dry, if I just dry the article on the "delicate cycle" it will be fine. And in fact, it may come out appearing unharmed and perfectly fine. But, what if over time and with each careless act it weakens the fibers and slowly breaks down the integrity of that garment? We too can go along thinking it doesn't make a difference if we have family home evening, or nightly prayer together? Because it sure seems that the kids don't pay attention. I realize now it is in the obedience to that counsel, in the consistency of doing these small things that it will lead to the strengthening and building up of our home and family, not the subtle breaking down of such a beautiful gift, OUR FAMILY!

Setting Limits...

So I've decided I need to set limits...on myself. Its so easy to let the day go by watching tv, blogging, surfing the internet, facebooking, photoshoping pics, eating junk food, and the likes. I tend to neglect wonderful things like exercising, cleaning the house (my fav ;) for sure), reading books, scripture study, cooking, and accomplishing things on my "To Do" list. Well, yesterday I was inspired by the talks in Sacrament Meeting. The word "experience" rang loud and helped me to realize that when I die and meet my maker I want to be proud of the experience I have gained and the things I've accomplished in my life. So, today I am setting limits. Today I am setting goals. I am going to be a good steward of my time here on earth. I am here to gain experience. Check back next Monday to see what limits I've set and how I'm doing...

References:

CES Fireside: Elder David Bednar – May 2009

The Pathway of Discipleship

D&C  122:7