the beck family

Electrical Tape + Stripes

2012-01-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

So I came across this creative DIY on Emily A. Clark's blog and I had to share it. Totally awesome idea! Camila at Effortless Style used electrical tape to make temporary stripes on her walls. She found 2 inch tape on Amazon.com. I am thinking could put a thinner 1/2 inch or 1 inch stripe on each side of the 2 inch as well to add more detail and variation. Fun idea for a temporary solution!

photo taken by Camila, found via her blog.

Check out Camila's blog and her post for the how-to with some great instructions/tips and photos!

Spicy Vegetarian Tortilla Soup

2012-01-26T09:00:00.000-08:00

One of my goals for 2012 is to photograph my cooking more and share it on the blog. I think I already told you that. Oh well, in case you didn't pay attention the last time.

So, today I have my second attempt at soup in my entire liftetime. My first was chicken + rice soup. Well, I decided to try my hand at making Tortilla Soup and had found this recipe on pinterest. The recipe is by Laura Flowers and you can find her blog here.

Spicy ~~Vegetarian~~ Tortilla Soup
2 tablespoons ground cumin 
2 teaspoons sweet paprika (I didn't have this spice so I just omitted it. It still rocked!)
2 teaspoons chili powder 
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder 
1/2 teaspoon onion powder
 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
 1 teaspoon coriander
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
3 tablespoons light colored oil (I wasn't sure what this meant so I used canola oil)
1 large onion, diced
1 green bell pepper, diced
1 red bell pepper, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 (4 ounce) can diced mild green chiles, drained
2 (10 ounce) cans RoTel Diced Tomatoes with Lime & Cilantro (my store didn't have these I just found some similar diced tomatoes) 
1 (15 ounce) can whole kernel corn, drained
2 (32 ounce) containers Swanson Organic Vegetable Broth (I used chicken for more flavor, but that would void the whole vegetarian thing if you care. Its also what I had on hand)
 2 (15 ounce) cans black beans, drained and rinsed
Juice of 1/2 a lime

1. In a small bowl mix together cumin, sweet paprika, chili powder, garlic powder, onion powder, oregano, coriander, salt and black pepper. Set aside.

2. In a large pot heat the oil over medium high. Add the onions and bell peppers. Sauté until soft, stirring occasionally. Add the spices and garlic; cook for 2 minutes.

3. Add the green chile peppers, RoTel, corn and vegetable broth. Cook until warmed through. Add the black beans and cook for 2 minutes before serving. Squeeze in lime juice. Serve in bowls and garnish as desired.

Garnish Ideas 
Tortilla chips 
Shredded Cheddar, Mexican blend or Cotija cheese
Diced Avocado 
Chopped cilantro 
Sour Cream 
Hot Sauce

Recipe and photograph by Laura Flowers.

* If you don't mind skipping the vegetarian part (I like it because there are more vegetables, but I add back in the meat) I also bought a rotisserie chicken and shredded the breasts and added that in to entice the hubby too. I think it helped. There are only a few things I've made that are vegetarian that he approves of, oh maybe just one (I haven't made too many) Black Bean + Feta Tacos, which I made this past week. He actually really loves them. He said he woke up the next morning thinking about them. I'll share that one soon! You can find it on my pinterest page too!

Here's my lame attempt at photographing my culinary skill with my iPhone. Oh and the fact that I forgot to photograph until the end (and actually the finished product in the bowl isn't from the original go, I was too hungry to fuss with details and a photo. I made an entire pot for well, me. Ryan IS NOT a soup fan at all. However, I begged him to at least try it so he did, and with his permission, he "thought it was tasty". That's pretty good for him. I even got G to eat it for dinner too so it must be good. I froze the rest of it (sans leftovers for a couple lunches) and then thawed it out today and had some for lunch. It was just as good 2 weeks later!

Doing its thing on the stove "warming"... This soup is so easy and seriously SO DELICIOUS!

This soup is all about the garnishing! Avocado, chips, sour cream, cheddar cheese, fresh lime juice, and cilantro!

Oh, and in case you aren't familiar with these chips, Juanita's Tortilla Chips are the MOST AMAZING tortilla chips out there and they are cheap too! Seriously guys, this is no joking matter. Try them and you won't ever buy another chip out there. They also happen to be manufactured in Oregon. Take that!

Here's a link to Laura's original post with the recipe. She offers a printable link too! I'll be checking out her cooking some more, you should too! You can find the recipe and link on pinterest too, click here.

"Creating" + Repurposing Clothes

2012-01-24T09:00:00.000-08:00

So I've had some goals for 2012 on my mind. In fact, I wrote a lengthy post for the blog and still haven't published it. I guess I'm still trying to get a grasp on how this year might go. Wait, what do I know? 2011? Hello! Of course I have NO idea. Ok, I'll narrow down those goals soon, I guess I just need to figure out which will make the most difference for me and my family.

Well, the first I am definitely taking on has been in the works and is really a more broad goal. In 2012 I want to BE CREATIVE. I want to do more things to invoke and inspire my creative mind. Every time I step into the realm of "creating" I feel passion and excitement burn within me. I feel alive and I feel joy and happiness. I was reminded of this when reading a blog this morning. I came across this photo:

Lauren Moffatt (above) made her daughter’s dress from a women’s shirt from H&M.
photography by Kelly Stewart image via The Glow.

I ~~have~~ had that shirt. I bought it at H&M a while back and never wore it. I didn't try it on before I bought it mistake #1 especially because the closest store is 2+ hours away. Anyway, it didn't fit well and I'd have to wear a shirt underneath. It sat in my closet forever until I finally gave it to DI with the tags still attached (that doesn't happen very often). Well, then I saw this photo and I'm obviously kicking myself. How genius and cute! Well, at least it got me thinking. I ran to my room and started ravaging through my give away bag. I pulled out three pieces of clothing that have great prints and would be fun to turn in to adorable baby/girls clothing. It made me realize that I need to rethink and develop a more creative mind and look at how things can be repurposed instead of seeing their existence isolated to their current state.

So, my desire to take sewing lessons and be able to do more than sew a straight stitch (which has limited me to making pillow covers). I love that it will feel like something new and it is definitely creative. As for what girl/baby will wear them, I don't know. I'll worry about that once I actually make some items.

I plan on doing more "creating" in the kitchen this year! I'm still totally enamored with cooking and I want to get into it even more. I want to get more confident in my cooking skills and be able to move away from recipes and more into creative/thoughtful cooking. I want to be inventive and I think that will come with time and more experience in the kitchen. This dream/goal came a little late in life. I wish it had come before my Grandma passed away because she was a phenomenal cook and didn't need a recipe. I lost out on that gift from her, but maybe, just maybe she can teach me a thing or two from heaven. I hope my cooking makes her proud.

I also want to continue trying my hand out with art. I want to learn more about acrylics and I want to start discovering watercolors. I absolutely love the creative zest that I feel when I paint! I'm not good at it yet, but I want to get to where I can create art I love for our home.

Other things I have on my mind to create in 2012:

1. a baby, duh!

2. a new beautiful home for our family using what we already have and only adding in some of the foundation pieces as we can afford them.

3. I want to create more musical opportunities for our family, to bring piano and music back into my life, maybe start teaching again if G and our family life permits it. I had to stop teaching piano this past fall because of G's needs/stage in life.

4. Lastly, I want to create more financial freedom for myself and my family. I have been praying to overcome my impulsive and emotional shopping problem and to free myself from that grasp I feel on me be spending and buying something because I like it and want it. I started out 2011 on a budget for these miscellaneous purchases and I did good for almost 3 months, but then Ryan left for his residency for 9 weeks and I caved and never got back to tracking my expenses and setting limits.

p...p...pinterest

2012-01-20T09:00:00.000-08:00

So, its the latest craze, pinterest. In blog land this week I read that its being compared to crack and its addictive powers. Hum... I'm not gonna try that one out, I'll take their word for it. He he! Funny how things come and go with technology. Remember that social networking site pre-Facebook? I was thinking back on it and couldn't remember what it was called. Oh ya...MySpace. I wonder if it still exists. LOL! I should find out and delete my profile, if I still remember the password, oh gosh and I don't have that email account any more.

What are you thoughts on the matter? Does it have you sucked in? I have my days, but generally I don't go out doing searches so I'm only seeing the pins of those boards I've subscribed to. I also like to add new content instead of just endlessly clicking "repin" although I don't have a problem with that either.

I really try to only pin images I intend to actually apply in the real life world here. I've done pretty good about actually using recipes from my "food" board. I have only yet to actually delete 2 pins because I didn't care to make that recipe a second time. Others have become part of our favorites and I've made 3+ times already.

Another category I actually revisit and that is helpful is my "style" and "face" boards. I pin outfit combos and ideas and actually have duplicated or used some of the as inspiration for my own wardrobe. I do, however, feel very unoriginal with pinterest around. I guess though I have never claimed to be an original and I'm glad that it is there to help spark creativity and more imagination and change into my lame unoriginal mind.

The category I haven't used much of yet, but obsess over are those relating to home, interior design and decorating. There are quite a few of them. I drool over those interiors, someday! I blame it on the eventual move and thus my lack of desire to make changes to the current state of things. I'm excited to get use out of that one as soon as we set foot in Oregon! I have used it as a resource for blog material here on the ol' blog, as you know.

I also am looking forward to using my "words" board as a jumping off point for our next home. Ryan loves inspirational quotes and I want to have more of them around the house.

Lastly, I've been thinking about primary and secondary sources and college research papers. Lame I know, but I've been thinking about copyright and plagiarism and how it plays out on the world wide web these days. I just read on Pinterest's Etiquette that you should site original sources. Hah that doesn't happen hardly ever. I pledge to do better, especially when I reference it here on the blog instead of being lazy and such.

So the big question of the day is:

Do you actually use any of the pins in your everyday life? Or are they just eye candy that you see once and never see again? What have been some of your favorite pins?

Are you totally ok with being "addicted" and wasting endless hours? I definitely find myself clicking that link at the top of my browser that takes me straight to pinterest land. Its just so purdy and idealistic isn't it! I'll leave it at that and be back soon with a spiritual take on this thing called pinterest, after I put myself to the test!! Oh boy!

Please, share your thoughts with me!

*pinterest logo used with permission.

decorating a rental: fabric + starch wallpaper method

2012-01-18T09:00:00.000-08:00

Well, we are back home from Oregon with a sick little G. Poor dude. He has his first official fever. He slept the first 3 hours in his own bed and ended up in ours the rest of the night. Just hoping we can all avoid getting what he's got. I feel bad that he was with my family this weekend while R and I were in Oregon.

I can't help but check craigslist and google for rental listings. We came home with one prospect we are waiting to hear back on but not much else. Its got a few negatives but we both agreed it would meet our needs and has some good positives. We both feel hopeful that something is going to work out. I love that peace that comes, but then I hate just not knowing and having to be patient! I will be grateful for the peace and continue doing our best.

What we did come home realizing is that we need to get up to Oregon sooner than later for R's new job and so we have to kick our booties into gear! Looks like our goal is a start date of March 1st and thus moving the end of February. If we can't find the rental by then it will be pushed back, but that is the goal. So much to do, too much to do! I may have to stay behind with G and finish business here with the house.

Now, to go to the point of this post. Looking at rentals got me down, seriously down. It was as if you'd find one with a great interior and a great exterior, shoot we couldn't even find one with the goods going on inside and out. It was one or the other, or neither! Since every single one we looked at had a little eye sore going on somewhere, I thought I'd do some more research on fixing up rentals and those temporary ways to improve life. So here's what I came across when I searched temporary wallpaper on pinterest:

Source: remodelaholic.com via Stacy on Pinterest

Kitchen Backsplash fix using fabric + starch! The above photo is from Liz at The Chronology of Him and Me. This would be so inexpensive and you can customize the fabric choice! When I saw the above photo on pinterest, it reminded me that Jenny at Little Green Notebook had posted a while back on the same topic. Here is a link to the post with how-to details.You can search "fabric wallpaper" on her blog and there are several other photo examples too. She is a great inspiration for may DIY home projects. The starch method allows it to be temporary. Anyone actually have experience doing this and then taking it down? Any leftover evidence? I read starch attracts bugs, hum that could be a problem!

This solution could have come in handy with about a third of the houses we viewed.

What has your experience been with renting and walls? Did your landlord allow you to paint walls as long as you painted back to their original color when you moved? What about asking to paint over existing hideous paint jobs (without using that term obviously). Oh life's dilemmas!

Check out my previous post with ideas on temporary fixes and ways to decorate a rental here. More to come on that subject! Any great suggestions, send them my way!

Lovely Lines

2012-01-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

Source: gorgeousshinythings.blogspot.com via Stacy on Pinterest

Does this photo remind you of another I posted recently? It got me all excited! Remember this one I included in my post on decorating a rental here with my thoughts on a DIY version this with tape as a temporary form of wallpaper?

Source: google.com via Stacy on Pinterest

I saw it posted on pinterest by Amber from Amber Interiors. She mentioned a DIY of the sofa but with gold instead of pink and I think that is a lovely suggestion! I absolutely love her blog and her style, check it out!

The top photo also reminds me of another fun DIY paint on upholstery that I've been mentally hanging onto via pinterest. What do you think? Flicking paint always sounds wonderful! We could all use a little more Jackson Pollock in our lives!!

Source: tphblog.com via Stacy on Pinterest

What have you been painting these days? Any fun DIY applications?

Eugene...Eugene!

2012-01-14T09:56:00.000-08:00

Source: etsy.com via Stacy on Pinterest

We're visiting Oregon this weekend, Eugene to be more specific. Its crazy because its the first time we have been here and known that it will be our "home". It really hasn't set in. On the drive up here Ryan turns to me and said, "I'm homesick." Me too! We were only a mere 4 hours into the drive and ready to turn back (and we are only gone 3 days). Then there is the part of me that is excited! New city to discover, more services for G, more dining choices, closer proximity to shopping and schools, and most importantly, Ryan's new professional opportunities, the reason for the move. The traffic here is awesome! Even their 5 o'clock traffic is easily manageable. I haven't gotten my bearings straight yet, can't tell you which way is north and that is something I usually NEVER have a problem with. There are more freeways to figure out (2-3, versus 1) and honestly the most frustrating thing about this trip has been our darn GPS. We wrote down a list of homes to scout out and we seriously went all over the valley! It took us all over and through more back roads and away from freeways (the most direct route). I miss the good ol' days of maps, kind of.

After 3 unsuccessful stops we found a 5 Guys Burgers and Fries. It was my first time and I have to say I enjoyed it and actually think maybe the burger was better than In-n-Out's burger but nope, only because of the spread at In-n-Out. I am a spread/sauce freak so that won out. I did looooooove their fries and ate way too many, but then again they left me desiring my 2 packets of spread to dip those lovelies into. So, #1 NOT on the list of restaurants/stores in Eugene is In-n-Out. Boo hoo, sigh! Another reason to visit home though!

The trip only took us 6 hours. It could have been a little shorter sans the short stop to eat at Subway in Medford. It was, however, done without G in tow so that changes things but I'm hoping it won't really. With him it has often taken us 6 1/2 or 7 hours because we end up sitting down at a diner or little nicer place other than Subway, but I want to get good at quick stops. I also didn't need a potty break other than Medford so that was VERY exciting! Its amazing how your body can finally heal up and improve after childbirth when it get 3 years instead of cramming those babies in closer together. (Hey I've got to find the blessings in delayed babies somehow!)

Well, we are off to scour the rental scene, which is bleak and depressing. I had way to many disappointments and then some birthday shopping for my dad that in which I came out empty handed as well. I told Ryan that I don't take walking out of a place/store empty handed well. It is depressing. So, I insisted that we had to go to the mall. Did I mention I'm trying to break that shopping problem this year. Yep. Not good! Fortunately I felt very content as I walked through and perused the stores. I didn't have really any desire. Awesome! We'll see how long this lasts for. I'm having to pray my little heart out to resist, but I know the Lord will help me to focus more of my life on the things that really matter. I did, however, snatch up a little bright goodies at the MAC counter in Macy's.

Source: rosesarewild.tumblr.com via Stacy on Pinterest

I found this image on pinterest and its been on my mind ever since. I needed some orangey-red goodness! If only I would have felt more glamorous walking out of the department store if I didn't have fuzzy teeth from forgetting my toothbrush at home. Yuck! Thankfully we found one on clearance at Albertson's for 67 cents. Bargain! Oh and did I mention the high here finally got to like 48 degrees, but it stayed in the 30s for more of the morning/early afternoon? Sometime during the frigid hours I heard Ryan mumble something like, "Now I know how the pioneers felt!" I laughed and then we obviously reminded each other this was NOTHING like what they experienced, but when the average temps at home this January have been in the 70s, 40 degrees colder is brutal!

green smoothies

2012-01-11T16:21:00.000-08:00

Source: getmestronger.tumblr.com via Joysie on Pinterest

what is your preference? It seems one of the main sources of getting vegetables and fruits (other than applesauce and bananas) into G these days. I do notice an unwanted effect on his bowels though (TMI?). Hum... it is worth it? Probably until we are seriously potty training!

Temporary: Decorating a Rental

2012-01-10T16:12:00.000-08:00

So I'm guessing many who know me can imagine moving into a rental, instead of having a home I own just might be stressful and depressing since I won't be able to change and alter it the way I have my own home. Yes, it can be challenging, but I'm excited for the challenge! I've had my eye out for inspiration photos and ideas of ways to incorporate who I am and styles I love into our next home that are also transient and/or nomadic. Are either of those words actually meant to describe home decor? Well they are now! I've been so eager to just know what it is that we will be calling home. I have seen some great gems, some eye sores and some pretty standard builder grade homes. Honestly, I'd love a aged gem. I want something with character, but also something that doesn't have too much character (i.e. hideous 80s wallpaper, shag carpet, or walls and rooms that are every color of the rainbow). Speaking of colorful homes, ironically our home is quite colorful. We have a olive green office, pale yellow bedroom, red master bedroom, blue/grey living room, grey bathroom. That is partly because I didn't want to paint when we first moved in and then when I realized we wouldn't be here long-term I didn't want to paint. I'd love to get rid of that red bedroom. If we do rent out our house we may end up painting, but that will really stink because I didn't do it for myself but I will for renters. I'm pouting right about now!

While we're on the subject, how do you feel about colorful walls? If you were renting a house would you prefer white or neutral walls or be ok with color?

I'm personally hoping for white! A blank canvas so to speak. That way I can dictate the character and color palette myself. Here are some pics from pinterest that I've been thinking about. These are definitely on my list to add to our place as soon as we settle in!

Source: poppytalk.blogspot.com via Stacy on Pinterest

Source: livecreatingyourself.com via Stacy on Pinterest

Oversized black chalkboard. This one is made out of a large MDF panel. This is #1 on my list. I can't wait!

Source: google.com via Stacy on Pinterest

Temporary tape on walls to create abstract wallpaper. Room designed by Kelly Wearstler. Here's a link to a blog post by Jenny from Little Green Notebook. She used japanese masking tape to create a wallpaper effect.

Source: saraicat.tumblr.com via Stacy on Pinterest

Patterned roman shades and color in curtains verses color in walls and white drapes.

Source: libbiegrove.blogspot.com via Stacy on Pinterest

Colorful area rugs and pillows and bookcases!

Source: theestateofthings.com via Stacy on Pinterest

And finally, for in the bedroom there is upholstered headboards and beds or bedding.

Check out more lovely images on my pinterest boards and follow me on pinterest! stacyb81

What do you think? Any suggestions? How have you made a rental/temporary dwelling feel like home and take on your style?

Oh, and one more thing.... I'm wondering if anyone has any tips on renting a house, finding rentals. We've only rented apartments. Anything to watch for? Any ideas on how to find out about available or coming availability of homes sooner than 1-2 weeks out? It seems everything on Craigslist isn't posted until its available or a short while out. I want to find this beauty now and start planning our move date!!

boxes, boxes, boxes

2012-01-06T09:00:00.000-08:00

We've started packing...ugh! Any tips? We are starting early so that is good, but I know I need to consistently pack or else early won't help. Still no move date, just sometime in March. We are heading to Eugene soon to spend some time scoping out the city more and getting a feel for where we want to live. I just hope our dream rental comes up at the right time and right price! Actually anything that has white walls, no more than one wall with wood paneling from the 70s and clean carpets will do for me. It seems that the area we want to live in (Ferry Street Bridge) is riddled with homes stuck in the 70s with horrible interior paint jobs and 80s wallpaper. There are areas with newer homes, but I really want to be close to Ryan's clinic and centrally located so that we don't have to do tons of driving around and that area is near the river and bike paths and downtown. We shall see...keep your fingers crossed!

I'd love to hear your tips for moving/packing. We did it 5 years ago but it was only 25 miles and we had half the stuff we do now!

Pan Roasted Brussels Sprouts

2012-01-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

I am terrible about taking pics of my cooking. I guess I'm too into the moment and hurrying to get it on the table and I'm worried that my cooking isn't photogenic. Ha! I guess I need to work on my photography skills and learn to photograph food! Sounds good. Well, a while back I actually remembered while cooking to snap some photos with my iphone. Then I forgot to share them. I'd like to share more of my cooking on the blog this year. Here goes... Pan Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Brown Butter and Toasted Pecans:

Pan roasting the sprouts

I absolutely love roasting vegetables. I eat way more of them because my new obsession with roasting them. This recipe has you pan roast the brussels sprouts. Did you know its "brussels" ant NOT "brussel". I didn't know that until now. Well, I always stuck my nose up to these beauties until this recipe. I had never even eaten one. Now, I love them. Last night I roasted broccoli and its interesting how much roasting until it blackens a little and then adding a little lemon changes its flavor. It reminded me of the kale chips I made a while back. You should try that recipe too. I'll try to remember to photograph it the next time I make that. Yum! Totally changes the taste of broccoli from its conventional methods of raw and steamed.

You always start with your "aromatics" and some olive oil. Then add the goods. I will never be able to live without garlic, onions or shallots (they are soooo expensive these days, those darn boogers), and good olive oil. Oh and don't forget kosher salt and fresh ground black pepper.

For the rest of the recipe, I'll just refer you to the source. I've pinned it on pinterest, here. Try it, you'll ~~like~~ love it!

Toasting the pecan halves and browning the butter!

Put it all together and what do you got? ~~Hot Dog!~~
Pan Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Brown Butter and Toasted Pecans = YUM!

What are you cooking tonight? Any tricks to adding more veggies into your meals. We could use even more! Loving green smoothies. You?

battling it out: weight loss

2012-01-04T14:53:00.000-08:00

I absolutely love food. Its been almost a year since I started taking some cooking classes here and there and I don't think my love of cooking is going anywhere but to my belly any time soon. Seriously, cooking has been a great therapeutic gift from God this past year and I pray frequently that it will be a gift to my family through the coming years. I imagine endless tables of food and fun and laughter in the kitchen cooking with my children. I dream of dinner parties with friends and family (although I have crazy fears that no one shows up to the parties, thus the reason I hardly entertain, I'm insecure, old news). Back to the food. I love it and I love cooking it. I love learning to cook and having my husband tell me its restaurant quality (and I don't think he was referring to the pre-made stuff at Olive Garden, but don't get me wrong I love that place too). I just love cooking gourmet meals and eating dishes filled with flavor! I love learning new techniques and trying new food and combinations! I love that when I came into my house this morning from getting the mail it still smelled of garlic and onions from the Chicken with Pan Sauce that I made last night. Ok! I'm hungry and haven't eaten lunch yet, this is a bad time to be writing this post (especially since there is a pan of fresh brownies sitting on the stove).

Speaking of those brownies, they are the reason for this post. You see, since my love of cooking has grown astronomically this year, I realized that I needed to keep up with the cooking and the inevitable consumption by exercising. I am not one to exercise. I played sports in high school and conditioned because I had to in order to play. I've had shorts spurts throughout the past 12 years and that is it! I did pretty well when I was losing the last of the baby weight but even losing that put me still well above where I was when Ryan and I married 5 years ago. Well, this fall I started walking 3 days a week. I've been consistent to that, thanks in part to a great friend and walking buddy. Then I fulfilled a subconscious goal to run a 5k on Thanksgiving and that sparked my interest in running. I've been running 1-3 times a week since Thanksgiving and right before Christmas ran 8-9 miles that week! Pretty exciting stuff for me. I've been losing the weight but there is that last 5 pounds. My body was sore, my leg pain was back, and my feet were sore and achy after running so much in a week. Its a lot on a body when its used to 0 miles. I started looking at my body (something I generally avoid) and realized that I needed desperately to work on my core. Then I willingly accepted an invite to work out with Ryan (that doesn't happen too often because he's brutal-in a good but painful way). He went through a circuit for me to do and showed me 3 core exercises. When I attempted one I literally fell to the mat and started laughing. I have on ab muscles. ZERO! What has happened to me? I know I had a baby, but I can't blame it all on the baby, its been almost 3 years since then. He had to scratch those exercises and start with something a little more "basic". Ya thanks! Then that night I decided to indulge myself and bought a Jillian Michaels 6 week 6-pack workout video. What was I thinking? I know I must really love my food!

That leads me to my current state-- I'm feeling conflicted. I love cooking and eating food so I've been exercising to make up the difference and keep up that lifestyle. I'm seeing progress, but its slow and I know that's the case because I haven't been willing to sacrifice more with my eating. I have cut out some sweets, but not really. I'm more picky about what I eat (making sure it is really worth it) and I'm trying to eat smaller portions, but not really either. I am trying to lose those last 5 pounds of my goal and know it'd happen easier if I was more restricted in my eating. Argh! I increased my exercising to compensate, but I'm wondering if the physical pain is worth the food at this point!

Case in point, those brownies again! Was that really two paragraphs ago when I first mentioned them? Sorry. Well, last night I saw the brownie mix in the pantry. It was calling my name. I wanted them. I mentioned my urge to Ryan and he said he wanted some too. That did not help. So, 5 minutes later I came up with a solution. I'd pop in the Jillian Michaels 6 week 6-pack and then justify eating brownies. I told you I love food! So, Ryan made the brownies and while they baked I worked my water jug. It was brutal. Its cardio mixed with ab workout to burn fat and boy howdy it was painful! But I sure did enjoy that brownie afterwards. Still though, its a vicious cycle it is, because the rest of the brownies are sitting helpless and lonely on the counter to be eaten and today I'm sore and heck and know exactly what I'd be getting myself into doing that workout again. Oh the dilemma! And you know what, I'm leaning more to enduring the torture of working out just to get more of the chocolate goodness. But then I still have those 5 pounds. Oy vey!

Anyone else suffer from this madness? What's your choice of weapon for weight loss? Are you addicted to getting on the scale like I am these days? You'd think with that addiction I'd skip the brownie, nope!

The exciting thing is that once I'm back to my target weight I think I'll be able to maintain it pretty easily, until I finally get pregnant and have another baby and then it will start all over again (although I plan to be active and exercise through pregnancy this next time around).

worth the fight?

2011-12-30T17:56:00.000-08:00

It seems there has been more tantrums, more screaming, more kicking. Its hard to know if its part of typical development as a 2 1/2 almost 3 year old, or if it is the autism. Either way, it sucks! He's generally a very happy dude so it makes the rough times such a stark and dark contrast. I know its nothing compared to what some other children and families dealing with ASD go through. Its harder having this my first child too I think. Nothing to compare to. I've been debating going back to the gluten free casein free diet to see if his behaviors improve again. I didn't think it was making a difference but now I wonder. Its just such a huge commitment of time, lifestyle change and money. We still attempt to eliminate dairy products, but we've been lax on that the past month and I'm also wondering if that is the problem. I reintroduced gluten first a few months ago and saw no difference, but then this past month has been harder and that is when we got relaxed with dairy. He doesn't have tons but he has enough and I've also seen a change in his bowel movements. They've gotten worse, back to the way they were before all of the diet work we did. Ugh!

Then there's this whole thing about getting pregnant and having another baby. My heart longs for it, you know that. But then today when he was screaming his head off I thought, "What if the next one is just like this... Autistic". What if they scream more than Gav does. What if they have more gut problems and actually have intellectual developmental delays, instead of genius in them like Gav does. What am I fighting for? Another child with autism? Is the monthly challenges of infertility and multiple false starts really worth it?" Maybe the negative pregnancy test earlier this week was a blessing? Could it really be? Seriously, I don't know. I don't know how I'd do it. I know I've been armed with much more information and tools to help with behaviors since starting intervention with G, but you just don't know where on the spectrum the child will fall and what their needs will be. Its scary. Do I take the risk? I read in a newsletter again the new statistics that research is finding-- 19% chance that our second will have autism. The other side of that is 81%, but for some reason when spirits are down and I'm deep in the trenches of working through tantrums all I see is 19 PERCENT!

Add to all of this the endless number of theories and treatment approaches to autism and its mother load of life challenges and its easy to get overwhelmed. Is this behavioral method really the best thing for G? I'm sticking to my guns, praying that what I'm doing is actually going to help and not hurt him in the long run. It takes sooooooo much strength to listen to your child scream and to "ignore it" and go on happy as a clam trying to redirect their attention. All I want to do is scream back, to yell, "Shut up!" (and sometimes I do). Oh, and just in case you were wondering, it doesn't help! Duh! Redirection and extinction do help, sometimes it takes a while (probably 5 minutes on average, which seems like an E-T-E-R-N-I-T-Y) before G is back to himself, but I'd say 100% of the time if I do my part to redirect and I don't give up he comes around eventually and his happy little self returns.

It's quiet now. He didn't want to part with his 18-wheeler for his nap, but he wouldn't go to sleep with it, he just kept talking and playing. I offered a trade, but he lost it. That one wasn't so bad. He must have succumbed to dreamland. Oh how I'm grateful he sleeps well, something most with autism don't do.

So, I guess I have some more soul searching to do. Definitely some fasting and praying, trusting in the Lord's plan. There isn't much more I guess I can really do than to strengthen my faith and turn the rest over to Him-- Thy will be done.

The screaming has returned. I spoke too soon. I'm off to comfort the weary.

on my mind: stand-ins

2011-12-21T16:17:00.000-08:00

stand-in (stndn)

~~1. One who substitutes for an actor while the lights and camera are adjusted or during hazardous action.~~

2. A substitute.

So I've been thinking. I've been thinking about spiritual stand-ins. During the past year I've experienced a lot of challenges. I've also had friends and family experience challenges. Its part of life. In attempting to understand the "why" of my own personal tragedies I came to learn that if allowed, the Lord has lessons to teach us through these challenges. I've come to realize that these challenges and adversities allow my Savior to take his teaching role in my life and help to mold me spiritually. Learning this has caused me to have more gratitude for challenges (I still have my moments of hating them of course, I'M HUMAN!). I seem to have more faith that I will be able to get through them with my Savior and that I can be a better person because of them. I'll admit that I would have loved to had someone come and sweep me away, out of those miserable moments, those times when I just couldn't take it anymore, when I just couldn't see the light ahead. Shoot I'd love to have all of my challenges taken away this very instant, but I know better--1. that will never happen; 2. I know its for my eternal good!

I'm sure you'll all agree with me, we all want that someone to make everything alright and for all the bad to just go away.

This got me thinking. Do we not as mothers do that for our children? Do we attempt to make all the bad stuff go away? Maybe its how its meant to be, but because of what I've learned about challenges and the Savior's ability to succor and to comfort and all that it has taught me about the atonement and turning to my Savior (because I didn't have someone there to make the bad stuff go away), it causes me to wonder. I wonder whether or not we can actually become stand-in's for the Savior when he is the only real source of peace, comfort, and the only one able to save. In our attempts to love and free our children and others from pain and suffering do we actually neglect and lose out on opportunities to teach them of the power of the atonement and to help them develop a relationship with their Savior? Do we attempt to make all of the bad go away and thus rid them of the need for the Savior? Do we prevent circumstances that would otherwise require bended knees and humility before the Lord?

Earlier this year our son received a priesthood blessing just prior to his ADOS evaluation to determine a diagnosis of Autism. In the blessing, the Lord blessed our son that he would be able to use the atonement to rise above challenges. I've thought a lot about that promise and realized my role in helping to teach Gavin the power of the atonement. It wasn't until my adult years that I began to understand the atonement as a source of peace and comfort to pains and sorrows. It had always been viewed as a mechanism for forgiveness of sin. I had never understood the underlying foundation of the atonement, perfect (complete) love.

At the age of 2, Gavin has already had to do many hard things. There have been countless moments when I've wanted to quit it all. I've wanted to just embrace the happy boy that our son is, avoid his challenges, and forget the therapies. He will have even harder things ahead. I sometimes think about the days ahead and fear when his autistic characteristics in his speech and social behavior will turn from cute now, to odd and different which will lead other children to tease him and not want to be his friend. I hope and pray that I fear the worst, but of course I want nothing more than to prevent those moments from ever happening. But, I can't. There will most likely always be noticeable differences and even typically developing children generally always experience social insecurities, bullying, and the likes. Shoot! I was nicknamed "Stacy O'Smell" my freshman year by the boys in biology class and was constantly teased by the girls on my sports teams through high school. Its inevitable. Looking back, I didn't have a parent rushing in to make things better, I didn't even tell my parents, but if I had understood the atonement more and the power of my Savior to help me through those moments, I could have grown from them, instead of becoming more and more insecure and hating high school when it came to social relationships.

Its as if our relationship with the Savior is built on experience after experience of turning to him so that he in turn can come to our aid--"And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:12). In this text succor means to "run to". So he has suffered that he might be able to run to us. I love the imagery those words invoke in my mind. I imagine the Savior dropping everything he is doing to attend personally to my needs and rushing to my side. And I know that he does the same for my son as we continually witness miracles in his life during the past year. Each small moment develops and adds to a foundation of faith in Jesus Christ, in His atonement, and in His Gospel.

To realize that even Lehi, a prophet of God, couldn't prevent his sons from dissenting or from the problems they caused Nephi, gives me much perspective about my role as a parent. The Lord doesn't prevent much of life's heartache and sorrow because agency plays such a significant role in His plan of happiness. He understands that it is our agency that allows us to choose to turn to Him and to experience the bitter and the sweet. In electing ourselves stand-in's for the Savior in succoring our children (old and young), they miss out on vital spiritual life lessons.

We have to teach them to believe. They come to earth innocent and full of faith, but the world quickly pollutes that innocence and if we are not there to help them establish from a very young age a foundation of faith in Jesus Christ and his atonement and help that childlike faith to blossom when they are young, our children will seek happiness in places other than the Savior and His gospel. He will not be their refuge from the storms of life. The prophets and apostles of our time have continuously been promising us that if we will do the "small and simple things" individually and as a family consistently and deliberately, then we will be greatly blessed! Our children will be more prepared to witness for themselves the power of atonement in their times of need and we will have more faith in our Savior and a greater ability to be sensitive to the Holy Ghost and those teaching moments and times when we need to hold off from jumping in to rescue our children and instead help them in opening their arms to the Savior, who will undoubtedly run to their side! Each experience adds to their reservoir of faith and testimony in the reality of the living Savior and prepares them for challenges ahead as they will undoubtedly come.

* Please realize I don't mean that you should allow your toddler child to touch a hot stove or run into a busy street, nor am I saying that we should not attempt to prevent our children from making big mistakes. This is merely a representation of some of my observations of life and relationships, as well as, food for thought and discussion on the significance of the Savior and His atonement in our lives and the lives of our family.

If you only knew...

2011-12-15T13:12:00.000-08:00

Please excuse the extremely long post, but Ryan and I agreed it was important to document this year and everything our family has been through as a sort of family history and reminder of the lessons learned.

.2011.

After reading a friend's look back at 2011 of her life via blog, I decided to take a look back at what I had posted throughout the year. It being a very challenging year, I wondered how much of it I had actually documented. I wondered what my perspective had been and feelings I'd felt throughout the year that had been softened by perspective and growth. I knew there had been months of silence. The first month, January, I only posted once, here. As I read, I couldn't help but say to myself, "If you only knew then what you would endure this year." I would have never imagined such a year up for myself, but now looking back its been a trying but wonderful year!

January - Gavin received his results from his developmental delay intake and was approved for the intensive early intervention program through Parent Infant Programs (PIP). He started the intensive 5 days a week program the end of January.

We also found out we were finally pregnant with baby #2! We were excited!

February - Gavin was evaluated and approved for Occupational Therapy (OT) once a week to address his gross and fine motor developmental delays and his sensory integration delays.

Our excitement about baby #2 quickly came to a disappointing end when I started experiencing horrific cramping and pain and was diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy, go here and here for the details and recovery.

March - Gavin began OT with a wonderful therapist who has come to love G as one of her own children I believe. She has been so good to us! I have prayed that his therapists and interventionists would grow to love him and be inspired to provide the best care they have and she is definitely one of the many answers to those prayers. Gavin also was evaluated for and started Speech Therapy.

He still had no speech, maybe after being prompted he would say single words. I honestly can't remember.

Ryan left for his clinical residency in Austin, Texas for 9 weeks and G and I stayed home. It was a rough start but after the first week it was amazing how much the Lord blessed us. I honestly thrived during that time and was really happy!

April - Ryan was gone. I made 2 trips to Austin to see him and my family took care of G so I could go solo. They ended up being awesome times for us to be together alone and have fun making memories.

Gavin increased speech therapy to 2 days a week instead of one and we reduced intervention to 4 because our schedule was too crazy.

A tender mercy from the Lord occurred and G's nasal problems with speech went away almost overnight and his speech has grown like crazy since that day. We started realizing his receptive language skills were much better than we realized and his expressive has blossomed since then!

May - Ryan came home the end of the month. G was a completely different kid! Miracles happening! Ryan passed the clinical portion and found out he would be able to take his oral exams in November 2011 rather than waiting until October 2012 like we thought. Although exciting this meant he had to get right to work studying after being gone 9 weeks. Another grueling 5 months and then hopefully we'd be done with the diploma portion of McKenzie and all seriously hard schooling for a while (cross my fingers).

June - Job offer resurfaced with Eugene, Oregon PT clinic. Ryan started discussing details and offer. We had a great summer and lots of fun weekends hanging around home and our parents pools. We made one trip to Santa Cruz with G and Ryan's parents. Love that place. It may be our last trip in a while, sad.

July - ? Must have been pretty normal thank goodness!

August - we received the date for G's medical evaluation by Dr. Lisa Benaron - September 13th. I was busy reading books and research articles on autism to get a better understanding about the disorder and to figure out where G was at on the spectrum. I read Dr. Benaron's book before the exam to really wrap my head around it and intellectually and emotionally prepare myself for the diagnosis.

We accepted the job in Oregon and schedule a interview/meeting with the Corporate office in Texas.

September - I turned 30. I'm excited for my 30's! We found out were were pregnant (I took 3 different tests to confirm, even different brands) with baby #3 (#2, attempt #2). I started bleeding and we had blood work done to see if I had miscarried. The day we flew to Texas for our interview for the Oregon job I took a pregnancy test again and it was negative, confirming my fears I had miscarried. We had the interview in Texas and details about the Oregon job that we hadn't be given previously shook us up some and had us worried maybe we'd made the wrong decision (also let me note that Ryan had given notice to his employer which we hadn't planned on doing until after the contract was signed, but circumstance kind of forced it on him. So, when problems seemed to have arisen with the Oregon job I was terrified because we weren't guaranteed his current job here anymore). Then the next day after flying home we had G's autism evaluation and he was diagnosed with classic autism. The worst news being that we had a higher than expected chance of having another child with autism, up to 40% chance depending on how much genetics was playing a part.

We hit rock bottom emotionally, but quickly the Lord picked us up and I felt at peace and true happiness despite how bumpy the road. Within a 5 day period we had found out I was pregnant and then I miscarried, we had to reconsider the job offer in Oregon, G was diagnosed with Autism and we would have to accept that we may very well have another child (or children) with Autism or seek out adoption.

October - Ryan and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. Every year gets better! Its helps when year 1 was pretty dang rough. We are grateful and laugh about it now!

General Conference was a huge boost for me. I love receiving counsel and words from our prophets and apostles.

For Halloween, Ryan was a volcano, Stacy a Cave Woman and G a dinosaur. G loves volcanoes so Ryan suggested the prehistoric theme.

November - Final push to exam time for Ryan's oral exams for MDT. He traveled to St. Louis, Missouri for the exams. No more studying but now it was full of worrying whether he passed or not with such a low pass rate. The exam wasn't without bumps in the road-- radiator problems on way to airport to fly to test and almost missed his flight. Ryan missed his connecting flight on the way home and had to spend the night in the airport and lucked out getting a another flight the next day (it was Veteran's Day weekend and a Monday) and then had to have the car towed home from the airport in Sacramento.

I remember after this weekend saying to Ryan something like, "I prayed that you'd travel safe and without delay, but I guess my prayers just weren't answered." As I was thinking back about how there were several bumps in the road that seemed so frustrating at the time during this weekend I realized now that although I wanted a seamless weekend for Ryan's travels, if the Lord had granted that then I probably wouldn't have been as grateful or apt to recognize what he did bless me with. Without challenges be them small or large it is so easy to forget the Lord and think that our success is because of our own strength or due to coincidence.

That weekend I was grateful that we had AAA plus and that it was only 93 miles to home instead of over 100 so that it didn't cost us a penny to tow the car home. It made me every so grateful that somehow Ryan's mom was able to find a $350 ticket to get Ryan home after missing his flight rather than the $1000-2000 tickets we were quoted on the phone and initially seeing online. It made me realize that the Lord did in fact know the limit to what we could handle and gave us just enough to humble us and help us turn once more to Him.

I was finally able to put aside my fears and we signed the contract and officially accepted the Oregon job. Since signing the contract all of the anxiety and fear that had taken over me has been gone. It feels so good to have that decision made and to press forward now. Another testament to the power of the Lord's holy priesthood.

Thanksgiving was great and we ran our first 5k. I intended on doing a mix of running and walking but ended up running the entire thing, pushing the double jogger stroller too! I've since started running about 3 miles on at least a weekly basis. It feels so good. I never imagined I'd say that! We agreed to make it a family tradition to do Turkey Trots each year on thanksgiving. We are considering training for a 10k! Eugene is full of races each month of the year! Its a runner's paradise.

December - After just short of a month of waiting on pins and needles, we finally got news that Ryan had passed his oral exams and completed the diploma program. Ryan S. Beck, DPT, Dip.MDT (oh ya!). What a huge blessing from the Lord! The pass rate we had been told was around 50% so this was a HUGE blessing!!!!

If I'd only known.... Honestly I think there is wisdom in NOT knowing. Would I have signed up for the kind of year I had. My first response, NO, HECK NO! But then slowly and surely, the Lord has blessed me with more understanding about who I am and my potential and how all of these challenges are indeed experiences that will be for my good.

This year truly has been a testament to the truthfulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the words of his scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon. Line upon line, he has given me just enough to challenge me and humble me to turn closer to him. What I didn't detail above is how much my testimony has grown. I have felt it in my life--stronger faith and more willingness to obey. I have more of a desire to share my testimony and express gratitude. I realized that this desire to express it comes in my life when I am living the gospel more fully and when my testimony is growing, but that those desires don't come when I am not actively living the gospel and striving to grow and improve. I have struggled all my life to read my scriptures and this year because of a true gift from the Lord (a very sacred moment in my spiritual lifetime I have no doubt), I have consistently read the Book of Mormon daily for the majority of the year. I read the entire Book of Mormon and have been able to read and spiritually experience for myself the power of that witness and the truth and safety that lies in follow its counsel. I have now more than ever instituted sincere prayer into my life as a result of being humbled and knowing that in order to accept and embrace the world of Autism that I needed the Lord. That challenge turned me even closer to God. It still has to be a conscious decision everyday to keep doing it and to do it with a sincere heart and effort but I have felt the power it has had in my life and I know that true happiness and peace are possible and only come through doing the small and simple things the prophets and Lord have commanded us to do.

In January I posted that the pending news of G's developmental delays was a challenge I didn't know if I could handle. Had I known then all that would actually occur I probably would have totally lost it, but the Lord prepared me throughout the year to be able to faithfully endure and actually grow through the challenges.

My goal as a result of this year is to strive to always remember God and my dependence on him for happiness. The Book of Mormon is a true testament of the joy and happiness that can come through always remembering Christ. It is also a testament to the misery and destruction that will come from forgetting God and relying on our own strength. I choose to remember Christ and to honor the covenants I have made with Him!

And because of what I know now and have experienced this year, I am choosing to continue on to what could be another challenging year but also has the potential to be more beautiful than I can imagine! Faith and hope in the Lord's promised blessings are powerful!

to the moon and back!

2011-12-13T19:38:00.000-08:00

Source: pinkwallpaper.blogspot.com via Stacy on Pinterest

I came across this image on pinterest. G is obsessed with the moon lately. Forever he's had an obsession with the sun, well, not the actual sun but with shapes and images that resemble the sun. If it is circular with lines of any form coming from it, he would exclaim it was a sun. Well, now he is obsessed with looking at the moon and stars. Whenever we are outside or driving in the car at night he can't help but point out the moon and get excited. His favorite song has continuously been "Twinkle, twinkle Little Star". Well, when I saw the image above I thought of him. I decided it'd be perfect in a gallery wall for G's room when we move to Oregon. I couldn't find the original source, so I decided to create my own version. I decided it needed to look like a chalkboard so I googled how to create a chalkboard layer in photoshop elements and here is what I came up with. What do you think? Now to have it printed. The image is 20x20 inches. Its been a while since I've created anything in photoshop. I should give it a go at digital scrapbooking again!

It could still use some tweaks. I'm going to stew over it for a while. Maybe more layers of brush work. I also couldn't find a font I really loved for it. I may have to download some new ones. Hum... That being said I really do love that little dude to the moon and back!

POST EDIT: Here's another go at it based on your feedback and time...

I increased the transparancy of the layers and added an additional layer too. I also toned down the opacity of the words. Better?

ten

2011-11-23T19:45:00.000-08:00

here's my thankful post!

Ten. Ten months! It has been 10 months since G started his early intervention. The method they use is Early Start Denver Model which uses the main components of ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) therapy and establishes small piece-by-piece measurable goals for teaching and achievement and relationship based therapy. Gavin has been fortunate enough to have the same interventionist since the beginning. She has been by his side 4 days a week, 2 hours a day for 10 months now. She will forever hold a special place in our hearts when this chapter of G's life comes to an end and he ages out of the early intervention program. I really hope he remembers her. I need to get some pictures of them together. This early intervention has had the most amazing impact on G and on how Ryan and I parent and help Gavin. I sometimes feel like I'm more a therapist than a mother to Gavin, but more often I feel like I am actually having precious moments with my child that I was missing prior to this intervention.

A year ago G wasn't even talking. If prompted enough times verbally and visually he would repeat the word "Keys", but it wasn't natural or spontaneous speech. Now he is speaking 4 word sentences. Tonight he says, "Dada go in gym". Last night when leaving the grocery store we saw a dog in the back of a truck. I pointed out the dog and Gavin said, "Dog in truck. Dog in Blue Truck." Even more precious, today we were playing hide and seek. We were hiding around the couch and I was on hands and knees crawling as fast as I could to get away from him and hide. No bueno on hard wood floors! No bueno! The discomfort and floor burn was worth the giggles and laughs. We were pretending to be airplanes, dancing to Elmo and Sesame Street songs on Pandora. We were pillow jumping off the couch and playing "Tickle Gavin". As soon as I'd stop, he'd want more. He was alive and I was alive as a parent, albeit exhausted from spinning and jumping and dancing around with absurd amounts of energy and animation in my actions and face to help Gavin become more excited and thus motivated to imitate me. Its exhausting and probably slightly embarrassing, but for this little man, I WILL DO ANYTHING!

People games (those that require an adult's interaction in order for the child to play) are highly motivating to Gavin and almost all children with Autism. From the Hanen "More Than Words" class that Ryan and I have been taking we have learned the significance of these games in prompting conversation and language with Gavin and increasing social skills. If you want that kid to make eye contact with you (something he has been significantly lacking) get physical with him or play "where's Gavin" or hide and seek and you won't be able to stop him from looking at you, engaging with you, and verbally asking for more. He comes alive and the tools we have learned from intervention and More Than Words has helped us to extend these moments on and progress them farther. Its a beautiful thing to engage with your child and before all of this, 10 months ago, those moments were few and far between. Everyday, multiple times a day.

While we were playing the song "Fix You" by Coldplay came on Pandora. Its the song that plays with the Autism video I blogged about here. So naturally it reminded me of that video. Moments later I realized all of the healing that has been going on. I realized how much progress G has been making. I'm so in the thick of it and so entrenched in the small little goals that I forget the much bigger ones and how much closer he has come to achieving them. Let me remind you, a year ago he was saying NOTHING he wouldn't look into your eyes for the life of him, not even if you offered him a room full of trucks and chocolate. Now he is a chatter box and is becoming more and more aware of the world and people around him and talking about it. He can tell me what he wants and when he starts to get frustrated and throw a fit I can tell him to use his words and he will 9 out of 10 times stop and tell me what he wants. He says hi to the person standing behind us in line at the store and starts talking to them about his "monster truck, vroom, vroom". Yes, he still has more progress to make and will have more challenges come as he grows, but he is making progress and engaging and that amazing! It is all about small steps and improvement. Forward motion is key!!

I have no intention of "curing" G of autism, but I am determined to help him grow and overcome as many barriers as he can so that he can be as happy and successful in life as possible. It has been 10 glorious and miraculous months and I thank the Lord for them. He has been good to us and I have faith that he will continue to bless Gavin and our family! It is amazing how we are so limited in our perspective and understanding of life and its challenges. What is often viewed as catastrophic can in time and with the Lord's hands become miraculous!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Update: This is just a glimpse into G's progress. He has also been blessed with an amazing Occupational Therapist who has been helping him with his sensory integration issues, and fine and gross motor delays. He has also been receiving Speech Therapy throughout the past 9 months as well. We have been so blessed with people who love and encourage G along. He also has been in a playgroup for kids with developmental delays for 2 months now and has finally come to the point where it is the highlight of his week. He is learning to parallel play with his peers and is having little moments of true genuine engagement with his own peers. This is all in preparation for beginning preschool when he is 3, which will be a whole new chapter for us.

gallery wall update: children's art

2011-11-19T11:13:00.000-08:00

Once you're a parent you quickly begin accumulating your children's art. I love it! Yes, these days between art time during daily intervention, art time during playgroup, and art time at the library, we are accumulating mass amounts! That doesn't even include when he requests to color during our free time at home. Yes, I admit some goes in the trash. Gavin is a little delayed in his fine motor skills so he still does large circles, but I love seeing the work as it progresses and he learns and improves his skills. As I mentioned before here, I was intending to create some more of my own art to fill in the center frame, but then when I sat down to start it, I realized that it was the perfect spot for some of G's works of art. I have been saving some and it worked out perfect. My trick is to choose the colors f paint or markers he uses and then let him go to work. That way it works with my color palette, which is all over the board these days it seems. The artwork can easily be changed out in the future too because you know there will be more of that! I love having his works displayed as part of the gallery. Its a mash up for sure! I've also already switched out some of the art until it feels right or I want a little change. Here are some other examples I've found of displaying children's art.

Source: iheartorganizing.blogspot.com via Danielle on Pinterest

Source: houzz.com via Stacy on Pinterest

Source: comfortwool.blogspot.com via Stacy on Pinterest

Source: blogs.babble.com via Stacy on Pinterest

You can check out more of my pins on Pinterest here!!

Dyson vs. Oreck

2011-11-19T10:37:00.001-08:00

My apologizes to all you Dyson vacuum lovers. I had the hardest time deciding, but I finaly think I've figured out what's best for me... the Oreck! I couldn't even commit to one when we went to the store, so Ryan told me to just try out the Dyson since everyone seems to rave about it. So, we bought it at Costco so that I could easily return it if I wasn't happy. We went with the DC33. It weighs about 17 lbs and is a workhorse, that is no doubt.

It took me a month of testing both the Dyson DC33 and the Oreck XL out in our house, but I just hate how bulky the Dyson is, its weight and its too powerful of suction for my rugs. It would get stuck going up onto my area rugs and I'd have to lift it up over the lip. It couldn't fit under my kitchen cabinets it is so bulky. I love how the Oreck has such a small footprint, 2 speed settings that are switched up at the handle (not down on the floor) and it is so lightweight (9 lbs) it will be great for my hand problems and vacuuming upstairs and downstairs. Each had its + and - and it was so hard. I finally just had to bite the bullet and make a choice. Since making my choice I have heard that people either love or hate the Dyson. What about you? And my followup question is: Have you tried both the Oreck and Dyson?

I feel slightly naughty for not choosing the Dyson. I almost did, but I just think I'll be happier in the long run with the Oreck. At least I hope so. The only downside now is getting it tuned up each year which isn't required on the Dyson. You win some, you lose some.

for the love of art

2011-10-29T21:07:00.000-07:00

So I picked up the painting (originally posted about here) this week and when I got it home I realized I hadn't established a place for it. So, I ended up starting on a gallery wall in our dining room that I've been debating over for months and gave up on since we're moving to Oregon. I figure this way I use some of the pieces of art I've been collecting instead of it sitting in closets. As for the empty frame in the middle, I'm going to DIY something in black and white abstract I think this week. I'm excited! The yellow and green abstract on the right is one of my own works as well. It's an original! LOL! I am definitely no artist but I am loving painting. It is so relaxing and really gets my creative juices flowing. I was supposed to take a second acrylic painting course in September but the class was cancelled. Hopefully I can pick up on some more courses in Eugene. I absolutely love the significance and meaning behind the Large Horse, Small Rider painting! Love it!

halloween 2010

2011-10-21T17:05:00.001-07:00

halloween 2010

This year Ryan's costume may or may not be based on G's favorite Dora episode. Just wait and see!!

time

2011-10-20T14:58:00.000-07:00

The above is Gavin's therapy schedule. Not very typical for a 2 year old, eh? What amazes me is how resiliant he is. Our schedule changes about every 2 months it seems and every time it does I get stressed and crazy. I have to stop myself from saying things that I know I'll regret and from being someone who's demanding and overzealous about their child's well-being. For example Gavin's speech therapist took a new job and we were assigned a new therapist. She was on maternity leave for 6 weeks and so we had an interim therapist and the only time available for G was 8am. For those who know me, I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON! I remember a co-worker once telling a new employee that you don't talk to Stacy until after 11am. So true! I'm the get to work and get busy type, chit chat is so overrated! Then at 11am I'm ready to gabber on. So I told her that time just wouldn't work for us and so she asked another family to switch times so we could have the 9am slot. Horrible I know. It worked out because that child gets up at like 6am and G gets up at 8am so they were already up. Since then we added in our therapy playgroup to help G work on and develop social skills to prepare him for preschool. It necessitates that we drive to Chico for it so that adds another hour of driving to our day. That threw a huge wrench in our schedule and I had to adjust again. I had to cave in and actually request the 8am slot for speech therapy to make it all work. Its crazy at time how much sacrificing motherhood requires, at times more than others, but its also amazing because it all brings us closer to becoming who we can and who the Lord wants us to be. We can get so caught up in our own expectations for life and needs, but having children and those with more needs than others allows the opportunity to give daily service and sacrifice.

I'm finally working out the chinks and its funny because every time I worry we won't be able to make the schedule work due to naps or otherwise and EVERY TIME it changes, it works out and fits perfectly it seems with our life at the time. And through all of it that little dude meets the challenges and changes in his routine. What an amazing kiddo! Right now he's struggling with playgroup and wanting to go, but his moments and length of time crying or screaming are lessening and shortening in length. I am the one having to tolerate some pain for much needed gains and I know this will make all the difference for G. I may just have to get a datebook to keep up with his schedule though! Don't forget to add in all of this his naps, eating which is a challenge too, park outings, working on homework and exercises from all of his therapy sessions, and just being a plain old toddler because he is a toddler ya know!

red flags...autism

2011-10-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

What have you been learning about autism? Share with me!

Did you know there are "absolute indicators" or what are termed "red flags" that indicate a child should to be evaluated for autism? A year ago I remember seeing TV commercials by AutismSpeaks.org discussing the Red Flags. I am positive that seeing these commercials helped me to investigate further and then push G's pediatrician for a referral. I thought I'd share them with you today. It is a scary thing, but once I started reading I found out that even though we don't know the cause of autism and there are a multitude of different treatment methods to help with the behavioral and medical symptoms, the one thing we do know is that Early Intervention reduces the lifetime affects and helps children to thrive and be more successful when they begin school. The brain is still in a pliable state up until age 3 I believe and so new neuro pathways can be developed and hurdles overcome easier at that early age. There is NO BENEFIT in waiting it out! ABSOLUTELY NONE! Do not let fear keep you from asking the questions and getting the evaluation. Family and friends need to be willing to look out for children too and help parents to see concerns if they are warranted. Another reason for not waiting is that the federal and state governments provide funding for services for children under 3 who show signs of developmental delays. These services are what Gavin has been receiving for almost 9 months now. They can be for infants/toddlers under age 3 who have speech delay, physical gross motor delays, food/eating problems, hearing/vision problems. Any developmental delays, not just autism. What a resource! Too many children miss out on these services and once they are 3, they do not qualify for them. Yes, there are services after 3, but not as intense or easily accessible.

Here are the "Red Flags":

No big smiles or other warm, joyful expressions by six months or thereafter

No back-and-forth sharing of sounds, smiles, or other facial expressions by nine months or thereafter

No babbling by 12 months

No back-and-forth gestures, such as pointing, showing, reaching, or waving by 12 months

No words by 16 months

No two-word meaningful phrases (without imitating or repeating) by 24 months

Any loss of speech or babbling or social skills at any age

source: click here For more specific signs/symptoms of autism, visit www.AutismSpeaks.org and go here.

Post Edit: FYI As a parent you can self-refer your child to receive an evaluation for developmental delays/services. All you have to do is call your Regional Center. For Northern California its Far Northern Regional Center. You have to be the advocate for your child because too many doctors are still promoting a Wait-and-See Approach which is robbing children of time and resources! If you insist with your pediatrician most likely they will refer.

comfort foods!

2011-10-14T13:33:00.001-07:00

Gnocchi Mac & Cheese

What are your favorite comfort foods? Hands down mine would be mac n cheese, chicken pot pie, shephard's pie, and I think I've added tamale pie to the list. Did I forget any serious contenders?

I have been making lots of the recipes I actually pin on Pinterest. Amazing right? I try and only pin things I actually think I will make, use, or ideas for outfits I actually would do. Sometimes I get carried away, but I'm trying to be practical with it. So far I'm doing pretty good, especially with my food board, which you can find here.

So, this week I made Gnocchi Mac & Cheese. It was so rich and creamy and good! I may try making this with traditional elbow macaroni instead of the gnocchi and see if it turns out as well. I used some gourmet cheeses for the first time ever in my cooking so that was exciting too-- gruyere and fontina. Seriously worth trying! The only unfortunate thing is that you can't eat as much as you want because its so rich. I served it with roasted asparagus (drizzled with olive oil and seasoned with fresh ground black pepper and sea salt) and a sub-par salad to help balance out the richness of the Mac & Cheese. Definitely making this one again, but must wait until my arteries de-clog. Yum!

I'm already craving the Tamale Pie again. Its THAT good!

*For the Gnocchi Mac & Cheese recipe go here or access all my FOOD pins on pinterst, here! photo taken from website as well. I'm too concerned about eating my food as quickly as possible to get a photo first. hehe! Super easy to make, I bought the gnocchi from Trader Joe's.

On a side note: are you obsessed with Pinterest. I have to limit my time on there and like I said earlier be realistic. What are your favorite categories for pins? Have you actually used any or referenced them yet? How long do you think the craze will last? What was the name of the social website pre-Facebook? Haha I have already forgotten the name of it. I think I still have a profile/page on there.

Ooh another sidenote: I actually think my belly is slimming down even with all this eating! My trick ditching the scale. No seriously, I have come to an agreement with myself to limit the portion size in order to enjoy yummy ne foods w and I've been walking religiously 3 mornings a week and started doing yoga 2x's a week. Loving it too! Exercise is feeding my body and soul, even if its not the intense kind. I'm going with the counsel of prophets on this one, consistent and steady, not short bursts of insanity that I know I won't maintain. Now if I could just quit buying bags of halloween candy!

large horse, small riders

2011-10-12T12:20:00.000-07:00

Large Horse, Small Riders Brian Kershisnik Oil on canvas, 1996

I came across this painting a while ago. It is described as depicting "information that is contrary to everyday experience--An immense horse with no reins ridden by four people suggesting that there is a higher force directing the family to their destination, with a faith like that of the pioneers (click here for source).

As soon as I read the description I fell in love with the painting. I bought it and its been rolled up in the tube waiting to be framed for many months now. When I bought it I felt it would be a great piece of art to have as a reminder of that higher force that we always want to have directing our family to our destination.

Little did I know those many months ago, that this painting would become even more significant in our lives as the realization that we have no reins to control the challenges of life or the bumps in the road has become ever more apparent. But more importantly I never imagined the power, the peace, the trust, the happiness and the strength that could come even as we wade through affliction. That faith is essential to help us move forward to whatever it is the Lord has in store for us. It is the Lord who is in control and the only thing I can control is my faith and willingness to give up my agency to follow Him! I am finding more and more peace and strength the more I give of myself to follow the Lord more strictly and more willingly throughout my daily living. I feel like I am doing so much more to live for the Lord instead of myself and I know that it brings peace and happiness! I have no doubt that it is through strong faith and hope in the Savior that we find the strength to endure to the end and to experience happiness and peace now and in the hereafter. This must have been how the pioneers endured the physical, emotional, and spiritual suffering and challenges along their journeys and I will endure those same challenges and sufferings because of Him who loves us all!

I'm going to get the print framed this week to remind me more of that faith I want to keep alive!

FYI - If you are interested in this painting, a print of it on canvas can be ordered through the lds.org online store (here's the link). It says its on backorder, but it said that when I ordered as well and I received it a a short while later. I think they print them as ordered.

"looks" can be deceiving

2011-10-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

There is a saying in the autism community, "Once you've met one child with autism, you've met ONE child with autism." It's so true. There are general characteristics and some will have similarities in their behaviors and challenges, but there is such wide spectrum of presentations in these individuals. It varies which types of behaviors and limitations they have and to what degree they have them. Its frustrating sometimes because people will meet G and then find out he has autism and then make comments like, "He doesn't look like he has autism", "but he's so cute!", or "oh I'm sure he will just grow out of it". Since when was there a "look" to autism? NEVER! The challenging thing for our society is that we 1. the majority of the population doesn't understand what autism is; 2. that we need to get past judging people by their "looks"; and 3. we don't have any credentials to be diagnosing these kids ourselves. I'd love to believe a total stranger when they tell me my son doesn't have autism, I mean I actually had the thought cross my mind for a second about canceling his appointment to be evaluated in order to avoid the diagnosis because he doesn't "look" like he has a disorder. Unfortunately I love my son too much to put my own personal weaknesses and fears ahead of his well-being.

I digress.... the existence of a "look" baffles me. I already find myself becoming numb to the comments because I don't have time or any desire to engage in a counterattack. I'm sure they are just trying to make me feel better. Bless their hearts. Funny and humbling thing happened though. Two weeks ago G started going to a playgroup for children with developmental delays. I'm pretty sure that all the boys, but one have been diagnosed with autism. Even within those 5 boys they have such varying delays and challenges, as well as amazing strengths! We had two days of orientation where Gavin went in and was with the leaders of the playgroup and got a feel for how it would be. It went great! Then the first day with the other kids came. We walked in and G went right on in, no problems, what a relief!

I, however, had an unexpected reaction. I looked around at the other boys, was overwhelmed with their autistic like characteristics, arms flapping and odd social mannerisms and I started to freak out. Then I met the mothers and immediately the thought came to my mind, "Wait a minute, I don't belong here. I don't "look" like these other moms." I continued to have thoughts like we are in such different stages of our lives, they don't have any similar interests that I have, they don't dress like me, they don't have the same level of education that I do or professional career like my husband does. It was all clearly vain and prideful. Don't hate me for these thoughts, I'm being brutally honest. Here I was preaching that we have to get away from this preconceived "look" about autism and I myself was do much worse by judging others and placing myself and G above others because I had more material wealth, more education, a child that maybe didn't "look" like he had autism when some may. It is shameful really! I just didn't feel like I could fit in there. Honestly when I reflect back on that moment, I think it had more to do with accepting that nothing I could do or obtain could influence this point in my life. I couldn't stop G from having autism. I couldn't buy our way out of this or educate myself enough to prevent this. I think it all had to do with accepting this life we've been handed, stepping out of the denial stage of grief and entering a world where more families than just our own are working through the challenges of autism as well. It was, in fact, our first experience with other autistic children around. It was as if my subconscious was doing anything it could to change the reality we were destined for. Shoot I even knew from reading that autism wasn't restricted to socioeconomic status, age, gender, ethnicity, education, etc. And yet, in that moment my ego wasn't willing to accept that I am the mother of a child with autism.

This coming to acceptance, its a strange experience.

Trust

2011-10-03T15:44:00.000-07:00

I just came across this talk by Elder Richard G. Scott, an apostle of the Lord. I remember when he gave this address (or at least studying many years ago) and I remember telling my sister about it a few years ago when she was going through a tough time. It speaks to me so differently now and I find so much more strength and meaning in it. I may have to read it daily for a while.... It's a gift from God!

I especially loved the following excerpt:

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.

This life is an experience in profound trust—trust in Jesus Christ, trust in His teachings, trust in our capacity as led by the Holy Spirit to obey those teachings for happiness now and for a purposeful, supremely happy eternal existence. To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning (see Prov. 3:5–7). To produce fruit, your trust in the Lord must be more powerful and enduring than your confidence in your own personal feelings and experience.

To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it. We are like infants in our understanding of eternal matters and their impact on us here in mortality. Yet at times we act as if we knew it all. When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow. Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.

I testify that when the Lord closes one important door in your life, He shows His continuing love and compassion by opening many other compensating doors through your exercise of faith. He will place in your path packets of spiritual sunlight to brighten your way. They often come after the trial has been the greatest, as evidence of the compassion and love of an all-knowing Father. They point the way to greater happiness, more understanding, and strengthen your determination to accept and be obedient to His will."

Ok, feeling better! I think its time for Fall "Must-Do" #2 Apple Cider! Cuz its raining outside! We might even throw in some spontaneous puddle jumping too when G gets up from his nap. I have a feeling we will become professionals at it once we live in Eugene! Is it an olympic sport? Should be!

playing the part

2011-10-03T12:09:00.000-07:00

Warning: Pity Party may ensue...

I need your help.... How do you do it?

How do you find joy and feel happy for others who have typically developing children when yours is not. How do you express excitement and happiness for those who are having babies when you are not? When everyone's lives seem to be on track with their "plan" and yours is not? I've been battling this for a while and been quite successful, well as successful as I could be by just playing the part. I would express excitement and utter the words, all the while my heart aches. On my good days I can for small moments be excited for them. I seem to forget myself and I realize that their lives aren't free of challenge either and this is their moment for things to go right for them.

But today I can't do it. I can't seem to find the happiness. What about me? What about "my plan"? I've had to relinquish it to the Lord's plan and I guess today I'm having a hard time being patient. I can't sit around and wait for that typical child, for a cure for autism, or for my body to finally produce a baby that can even survive past being an itty bitty embryo. How do I do it? How did you do it? I know I'm not alone in this, challenge after challenge time of my life. I guess all I can do is keep praying for more strength, doing more to deepen my relationship with the Savior, make my prayers more sincere and more frequent and do as was told by an apostle of the Lord, Elder Hales, this weekend to "wait upon the Lord". I came across this article today. I appreciated her faith and it reminded me of all the Lord has been teaching me lately. She says, 'the Lord asks us to “wait patiently” on Him not because He has abandoned us, but because He loves us and wants us to draw closer to Him.'

Maybe once I strengthen my faith and hope that all things really will work out for our good, then I can find joy in others successes despite what seems like a life of disappointment and challenge for myself.

Hum... In the meantime either avoid me or tell me how crappy your life is and avoid informing me of any good news! Ok, maybe that's a little extreme!

tamale pie

2011-09-29T19:04:00.000-07:00

It's October! Isn't that crazy! It is usually my more favorite time of the year, but this year is different. I just don't want to let go of the long summer days, the swimming and lazy weekends spent outside. Don't get me wrong, I am so over 100 degree days for sure! I love the crisp air that is starting to present itself. I will have to pack this fall with all the favorites to get me in the mood! So far, last week I made pumpkin squares and they were the only thing I ate for about a 24 hour period I fear. I did half with chocolate chips and boy those hit home!

I've been in the kitchen more than ever these days. I have the cooking bug and I have a feeling it won't be leaving soon because I have so many new recipes I can't wait to try. Pinterest seriously is amazing when it comes to cooking for me. I've already tried recipes I've found on there and love them! Tonight Ryan wasn't even coming home after work, but I decided I couldn't wait another day to try making this Tamale Pie recipe. My mom made Tamale Pie growing up but it wasn't my favorite of her dishes. I was more a fan of the tuna casserole (some of you are gagging right now), another I don't know the name of I think its kind of like shephards pie, and others. Well this one just looked so good in the picture I had to try it. Its from an issue of Better Homes and Gardens. I give it a 4 out of 5. I think all I'd change is to saute some onions in with the ground beef and I didn't add the full amount of salt and pepper it called for. That is odd for me because I err on more salt because s&p are the best way to "season" dishes (so the chefs have told me). I also added in black beans and corn with the olives. I cooked it all in one large deep casserole dish rather than smaller ones. I used a corn bread mix from Trader Joes and it was AMAZING!!! I couldn't figure out why we never have cornbread. It has whole pieces of corn it for goodness sakes! So, here's the recipe straight from the magazine (above). I also served it with sour cream on the side. Oh and the cilantro is a must! Yum! Just inviting a little more fall and cooler weather into our lives! Now if only mother nature will cooperate.

Fall "Must-Do" #1 Cook lots of yummy comfort foods!

What's on your list of Fall "Must-Do's"?

"Fixing" Autism

2011-09-16T14:31:00.000-07:00

I am feeling peace. I am feeling strength. It is because of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

What would you do if you knew the road ahead of you would be bumpy and rough?

We all are bound to have challenges in this life. It is inevitable! This one, I would have never imagined for myself, for Gavin, potentially for more of our future children.

I was reminded of a talk I read many years ago about learning from the past, preparing for the future, and living in the present (I can't seem to find it. I think it was by President Monson and I think it was back in 2004-2006???). That reminder by the Holy Ghost has been my saving grace this week - to LIVE IN THE PRESENT. I feel at peace. I can only do all I can to prepare for the future, to learn and increase my understanding of Autism and what we need to do to help Gavin, but most importantly TODAY I can be the best mother I can to him. I can give up more of the things I want to do for myself (that don't have any eternal significance) and sacrifice because I want him to have the best life and best outcomes possible for his life. TODAY I can strive to live the gospel of Jesus Christ better than I did yesterday so that I can receive more strength and help from my Savior, more blessings. TODAY I will do more to strengthen my marriage so that we can prepare ourselves for storms ahead and grow closer together through this, rather than farther apart. TODAY I can kneel in more humble prayer more frequently when I just can't hold back the tears. My closet has become the most sacred place in our home. TODAY I can find joy in the very small improvements G is making and hope that more will come tomorrow. TODAY I have peace because of God's Plan of Happiness which provides understanding of our purpose here on this earth, that OUR SPIRITS ARE NOT DISABLED, and that through the atonement of Jesus Christ my sorrows, fears, and pains can be swallowed up in him as I lay them at his feet. I am finding happiness in this time of adversity.

P.S. I still cry! We still need an amazing support group! Want to be part of this support group? Then watch this YouTube Video to start (Isn't that song perfect! I love Coldplay and that song "Fix You" stuck out to me a few months ago as we've been journeying through early intervention. I love that he used it!). Educate yourselves about Autism. If you don't know where to go for accurate information, email me: stacy_beck@sbcglobal.net. The greatest gift you can give is to educate yourselves and then educate others around you.

P.S.S. For more information on the above and God's Plan of Happiness go here. It will change your life and your perspective! It will bring peace, I promise!

"Mud!"

2011-09-14T15:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday G discovered a mud puddle while Ryan was washing the car. He was in heaven as most little boys are when it comes to mud. He invited me to join him in enjoying it. After some limited oohing and ahhing, I realized that if I really want to make a change in his world I had to get down and dirty (literally) with him. So, we spent the next 30 plus minutes making mud soup and pretending to drink it. We used magnolia leaves to make sail boats and float them in the "river". We built a "bridge" out of weeds and added lots and lots of "sticks" to the "muddy river". We stomped and stomped and stomped in the water and splashed each other up one side and down the other with mud it seemed. And then when I'd had enough and went inside he came back inside and said "Come mama". Back outside it was for more until I convinced him we could play in the mud another day.

knock, knock

2011-09-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Autism.

Bye, Bye (slams door).

** POST EDIT - After initially posting this I realize that it could be misunderstood. I have already read that mothers of children with autism have a funny sense of humor when it comes to dealing with acceptance and emotions. This joke doesn't imply that G doesn't have autism, it is meant to express through humor (my lame attempt at humor, sorry) that in fact G was diagnosed with Autism and my initial reactions to it. Hope that helps! We are still in the grieving/processing phase but I promise to write more soon. Thank you for all your love and support through this!

September 13, 2011

2011-07-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

Its been a while...sorry.

We have a date.

September 13th 10:30am.

I've been working to get this date for a month now. Before that I was preparing myself to be ready for that date. I thought I was ready. Now that we have the coveted date my stomach is in knots. Its strange, just reality setting in that we will have something concrete to either go forward with or not. Things will continue as they are most likely one way or the other. Its our new reality. I talk openly, I even use the word in conversation with those closest to me. My reading material is plastered with it.

"AUTISM."

There I said it.

I have come to terms (or so I thought) and have my own personal diagnosis for Gavin.

Why, then do I all of the sudden feel so anxious and scared?

Maybe I'm not ready. It doesn't really matter if I am or not, he needs this and so do we.

Things have been more difficult lately. I don't even think its related to a disorder, probably just the natural development of a two-year old. I think he's fighting for autonomy and it sucks. I keep telling myself its good, because it is. It means he is developing appropriately, in some areas at least. Why does writing that make me cry?

Those darn doors. I'm about ready to take them all off their hinges. Its his thing and it seems like its getting worse. He is obsessed. He knows how to unlock deadbolts now so he continuously slams every single door in our house over and over and over and over and over again. Any kind of door, he doesn't discriminate. Have a headache yet? I do.

So, when the phone rang today and the woman on the phone told me she was calling to schedule the evaluation, I was relieved it was finally here and yet terrified at the same time. I think these opposite emotions are natural. Tell me they are.

All that being said...the past eight months since we began this journey of discovery and intervention have been amazing. Everyone we have worked with has been very professional and definitely have great concern for Gavin's success in life. I continually pray that the Lord will lead and guide us through this journey whatever it ends up being, that he'll inspire me and all of his interventionists, therapists, you name it. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Love this little man to pieces! Headaches and all...

We have a date!

In the mean time I will be reading this, and this, and just finished reading this.

vinegar and oatmeal anyone?

2011-04-06T11:29:00.001-07:00

* I think the ak-mak crackers above in the yellow box are the winners,

although I think this may lower our cracker intake substantially!

So I've been working on improving the little dudes diet. Poor child. Between this and the sensory suggestions his OT and Speech therapist have given he is really going to hate me and eating! I'm having to find a balance because adding hot sauce and balsamic vinegar to his beloved oatmeal is just making both our lives miserable. The things that are my "go-to's" are no more even if untainted it seems because I've lost his trust. Here are the latest examples: The OT wants me to add hot sauce and balsamic vinegar to things that I know he likes and will eat. She wants to wake up his mouth and get all of his senses working and I guess it takes something that nasty to do it. He has some sensory problems and is very hypersensitive to foods, eating, and textures. He will still eat the oatmeal if I feed it to him but he definitely doesn't enjoy it like usual or self-feed or request more or finish it for that matter. Well since doing that he isn't as interested in Oatmeal even if all I've put in it is mashed bananas which is what I've done for a very long time prior to the balsamic vinegar.

Separate from the requests of the OT, I have been trying to change up his diet so he has more of a variety of fruits and vegetables and more quantity. So goes the following: there was his favorite vegetable, butternut squash. This time around he is not having it and I made it like normal, I think. I had fed him carrots the night before and I guess the colors are the same so he freaked. He just won't trust anything. Then I decided to try adding the pureed butternut squash to his applesauce yesterday and he would have none of it. I had to bring a new empty bowl and the container from the fridge and pour it in front of him to get just plain applesauce down him. He sees me in the kitchen preparing food and gets skeptical. I successfully added the squash in with French toad today but don't tell him! I guess I need to put just the smallest amount in and work up as his tastebuds adjust.

I have orders from his OT to make him a plate if the same food I am eating regardless of whether he will eat it or not. I have to do this for 13 days straight. She says it takes that long to break a habit and then I have to try to get him to actually eat it after those 13 days for another couple of weeks. I think this is going to take a while.

Because of his hypersensitivity to textures it's just that way. I will be buying a magic bullet/food processor ASAP! Enough with the blender. For now I'm glad I think he has taken a liking to one of the selections of whole wheat crackers I picked up at trader joes. Good bye fish crackers, cheez-it's, and animal crackers. This will be good for me too (not so tempting to snack on whole wheat sesame crackers!).

I'm starting to try jessica seinfeld's book Deceptively Delicious. Anyone used it and what's your experience?

bathroom update!

2011-03-22T16:11:00.001-07:00

*Disclaimer: Pictures were taken with my phone, crappy lighting, and this room (like most bathrooms) is very difficult to photograph due to the small size and odd angles.

Here is the bathroom redo in all it's glory. The goal was to get rid of the wallpaper and inexpensively turn it into something that resembles me and the rest of the house. I decided to forgo changing out light fixtures, adding beadboard and what not because we hope to not live here long enough to justify that, so I worked with paint and accessories. I forgot the before pictures. Imagine a pinecone wallpaper border midway down wall with wood trim in both sides. It was not me! Imagine that!

Well with Ryan leaving for Texas he felt the need to make my wishes come true. He is sweet. Thanks to him and his dad especially I finally got this room done (well 90% done). His dad is amazing! So handy and willing to help. He loves painting even more cutting in on the edges. Crazy and I love it!

I am not thrilled with the paint color but it is growing on me. The pics are on my phone so they aren't great and the room could use more light. Remember this post and my inspiration photo?

Well I ended up scrapping the colored towels on hooks and decided that wall needed something higher up on wall and art (if framed scrapbook paper can be considered art). It might seem a little copy cat from my inspiration photo but I'm ok with that. It goes so well. Oh and I love the Thomas Paul octopus shower curtain. Love the whimsy. I brought the rugs in from other room and am trying them out instead of the flokati rug I started with. It really wasn't practical for a bathroom anyway, dry clean only. I already had the ocean picture and just leaned it up against the mirror to break up the huge rectangle builder grade mirror. The striped towels are from TJ Maxx, the frames are from Ikea, and the scrapbook paper from Joann's. They have so much more selection than Michaels, at least in Chico. Crazy. I still need to reinstall the towel bar or go with the hooks I already purchased months ago from Cost Plus World Market for hanging towels. We shall see...

The paint is Benjamin Moore Aura Ac-27 Galveston Gray. Sometimes I go in and it looks blue and other times it is gray. I prefer the gray. The room desperately needs more light. In hindsight the color is too dark for the room so I should have gone with the next one up but I loved this color more and Ryan preferred it too on the swatch and in inspiration photos.

So, what do you think? Original enough in my personal application or too copy cat?

Oh and the human figure model by the sink. Ryan and I like to get creative with his pose and surprise each other. Makes for some great laughs. I found myself changing him up the other day to impersonate Ryan flexing his muscles in the mirror. But he's not here to enjoy my humor, darn Texas! I guess I'll have to text him a picture.

Other projects to come: Ryan switched out the dining room light fixture (all by himself). Yeehaw!

deliciousness!

2011-03-22T15:03:00.001-07:00

Making this for gavin's dinner along with mashed potatoes and chicken.

Here is the recipe:

1 butternut squash, halved lengthwise and seeded
2 tbsp butter
4 tbsp brown sugar
Sea Salt and black pepper (freshly ground)

Preheat oven to 450 degrees.

Place butternut squash halves in glass pan with cut sides up. Put 1 tbsp butter in middle each squash. Sprinkle brown sugar over each squash. Season with s and p.

Roast 40 minutes, until flesh is fork-tender. Poke squash with fork holes and then pour yummy brown sugar buttery goodness over the holes to absorb in rest of squash. It may not last until dinner or get to gavin's mouth. Yum!

Butternut squash is aaaaaaaaa-mazing! I never ate it much before making it for baby food, but this oh this is way more than baby food! It literally melts in your mouth! You must try and if you put your nose up to squash please give it another try with this recipe! Since Gavin is still a picky eater and sensitive to textures I still have to mash and cook his vegetables so they're soft. Squash is the perfect vegetable for that! My methods for cooking it have evolved as he has grown and can handle mashed rather than pureed foods. I also love it so much I find a compromise between how I would want it and how he'd want it. This newest recipe is amazing. I started with one from allrecipes.com and adjusted the temperature and the measurements of the ingredients. It was really by accident the recipe called for 2 tsp of butter and I interpreted that as 2 tbsp (quite a bit more, no wonder it melts in your mouth! hehe!). So, you can do less butter and still have a great result, but it was oh so yummy that I wouldn't change a thing. I also almost skipped the s&p but as I learned in my cooking class s&p are your main way of seasoning a food and salt will always enhance flavors and boy it was perfect the sweet brown sugar against the fresh pepper and sea salt! Can't even describe how good this is. I also increased the cooking temperature based on my experience roasting squash and knowing I wanted it on the more tender side for Gavin. I also added the 1/2 inch of water in the pan to help create a steaming process and cook the squash more, but it isn't really necessary for a less tender result. I also increased the cooking time from 25 to 40. There is no way it would be done in 25. It will also make your house smell so warm, yummy, and sweet!

orange you lovely!

2011-03-14T19:44:00.000-07:00

Here's what I came up with for the decor and party favors for Gavin's 2nd birthday. It was inspired by an orange drink I had at a friend's baby shower. I have also been obsessed with oranges lately and eating them daily, which is weird for me because I usually dislike oranges. I always get bad ones, but Ryan was given a bag of oranges by a patient at work and these ones have been delicious!

I already had all the supplies from all the hoopla I made for Gavin's 1st birthday. I had the napkins in my stash and so didn't have to buy anything except a few more clear bags and the oranges and orange slices candy. I found the orange slice and leaf images online and edited them in Photoshop Elements. The font on the stickers was in the blue to match the striped napkins.

Photo Above (Clockwise Left to Right): Orange with leaf name card for place settings, white paper sacks for party favor (it had a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie from Upper Crust Bakery), blue/gray striped napkins from Ikea (great place for napkins!!), green napkin from Ikea for cake time, "Thanks You're Sweet" orange slices candy party favor (bags tied with jute twine). I just use full sheet size labels to print my designs out on and then stick them right to the cardstock, bags, etc. Not pictured: I also had some of the 2 inch orange slice circle stickers on clear cups that said "Happy Birthday", and we had tons of green and yellow balloons strewn on the floor (the store was out of orange ones).

Party On!

2011-03-14T16:43:00.001-07:00

We celebrated gavin's 2nd birthday early so that Ryan could be there. I have been excited for gav's birthday because I felt like he'd enjoy the party more (especially the cake and ice cream). Remember last year? He wouldn't even let us get the cake to his mouth. He loves anything sweet now so I just said the words "cake and ice cream" and he was in his seat! I didn't take that many photos, actually I myself took none. Thanks to Ryan and his sister we gave some. I was way too busy with the food. I didn't do anything crazy like last years extravaganza. It was a tad much. In fact as of Monday I didn't have a clue what we were doing let alone decorating bur finally caught the bug to do something and the wheels started turning. By Monday night I was cutting and sticking and had the event planned and decor finished. I went simple and I think it was just the right amount.

playing with the wheels and bucket on his new tricycle

We had our local family over for dinner and cake and ice cream. I'm so glad that we have our family near by. Gavin is developing relationships with his grandparents and his Aunt Michelle and Uncle Paul and I love that he gets excited and loves spending time with them. I made a new favorite of mine Chicken and Rosemary Spaghetti. With that we had roasted asparagus, mixed green salad with feta, pecans, grapes, and oranges, and a yummy garlic artisan bread my sister found at WinCo. I got his cake from UpperCrust Bakery again. It was the black and white cake and it was delish!

Playing with his new Thomas the Train from Aunt Michelle and Uncle Paul.

Our happy little family!

Gavin loved his cake once the candles were lit and he loved being sung to. I love this picture because I feel like it captures in an image my love for this little dude. He is my life and my best little bud. He is the reason for my happiness and joy. He is teaching me so much about love, patience, laughter, and enjoying the simple things in life. All the time and energy I give to him, I receive more than that back in love and happiness as his mother! What a sweet gift you are little man!

Alice Lane Giveaway!!

2011-03-04T13:09:00.000-08:00

I've been coveting this goldfish pillow by Thomas Paul for a while. Ok, not coveting but its one I'd love to have. Sadly at $105 it's just in my budget, nor would I feel ok spending that much on a single pillow. Well, what do you know, Alice Lane, a lovely interior design firm in Orem, Utah just finished a new interior for NieNie's play area in her basement is giving one away. I really wanted to stop by their store when I went to visit my family in Utah. I even made it to Provo to see my brother at BYU, but I had my nephew and son in the car with me and it didn't seem possible. Anyway, they used this adorable pillow in her room and are giving one away now. I never win, but lately I've decided I should up my odds by entering giveaways more often. I MUST NOT LOSE HOPE! Click here to enter the giveaway on Alice Lane's blog and to see the lovely pictures of NieNie's new play room! So creatively inspiring don't you think? I do!

Have a great weekend! My parents have so lovingly offered to watch Gav so the Mr. and I can scoot off to Sac-town for a quick overnight getaway and visit to the Sacramento Temple!! Ryan leaves in 2 weeks for his 9-week clinical in Austin, Texas. Boo hoo!

garlic noodles with asparagus

2011-03-02T18:57:00.001-08:00

*please excuse the presentation. I knew the post wouldn't be as good without a pic and I wasn't in the mood to indulge you any more than whipping out my iphone and the bowl I was eating my second helping from.

I whipped this up for dinner tonight. I guess it would be called Garlic Noodles with Asparagus, I guess. It was done prep to table in 30 minutes. I was gonna cook some lobster ravioli I have from Costco but Ryan opted out so I nixed that. I make this a lot in the summer with kabobs. Tonight it took main stage. I just cook pasta until it's al dente. While it was cooking I roasted asparagus at 350 degrees (probably could have done 375) for 10-12 minutes (trim and toss with olive oil and then s&p). Then when 2 minutes left in pasta melt 1 tbsp butter in pan on medium-high heat when hot add 1 tbsp olive oil then add 1 tbsp minced garlic. Cook for 30 seconds or so dont overbook or burn then add drained pasta. Mix add more olive oil (I didn't measure, just went for the correct amount to cover, grated parmesan cheese, and s&p (sea salt and fresh ground black pepper) and serve immediately. The asparagus should be done at same time. I cut it up and mixed with pasta but it could be left in side as well. It's light but rich at same time with oil, garlic, and good amount of s&p. Yum!

** Remember with dishes that only have a few ingredients especially the quality of the ingredients used will really make the difference in the end result. You can only have food as good as the ingredients you put in it. That means a good olive oil since you will be tasting it and not cooking it much, fresh parmesan cheese, sea salt and fresh ground black pepper (not table salt or pre ground pepper).

I love the cooking class I took and the excitement it's given me in the kitchen. It's my new fav hobby and I already feel more confident in my cooking skills. Her tips for prepping garlic and shallots alone was worth the cost of the class ($20 for class and $15 for food supplies you cooked at it). If you're in the Chico area and looking to take some short classes (one night only, but she has a few different ones to choose from) contact CARD. So far so good! I'm taking her Thai food and Italian food classes later in March and April as well. Eat up!

allowance at age 29

2011-03-02T11:39:00.000-08:00

All of my childhood I didn't have an allowance of money given to my by my parents. They didn't believe in that sort of thing and so I had to work for my money. I was horrible at saving and spent my money as soon as I had it. I worked cleaning houses in high school for family to make money for clothes.

Now as a grown adult I've struggled with managing money. Its probably one of my biggest weaknesses. It is a big challenge. I can make a budget but have never felt capable of keeping it. I honestly don't know how. We save a good amount but that is because I have it automatically transferred and most of our bills are paid automatically. With the new year came a challenge and desperate plea from my dear husband. He has been so patient and forgiving of my spending and lack of restraint. (In my behalf I am great at not spending money on big ticket items (say over $50), but I easily find myself spending $100 at TJ Maxx on shoes, clothes, home accessories (you know 10 items $10 each kind of deal). He wants more assurance, more peace when it comes to money. Can you blame him? Poor guy!

So, he devised a plan to give me an allowance. At age 29 I have an allowance. hahaha! At the beginning of every month I transfer the agreed amount to my own checking account and then use a debit card for that account so we can easily track how much I am spending and what its on. So far I have come to the end of each month with a chunk of my money still not spent. Last month I still had half left over. Now that I know the amount is limited I find myself asking more questions, "Is this really what I want?" "Will I forgot about it soon after the first time or two wearing it?" "Is this really how I want to spend my money?" "What is at the top of my list for things I want/need?" I only overspend really on things like clothing and home decor so that was the stipulation of what got lumped into that category. It feels good to start developing self-control and really assess how I am spending my money. I will say I find myself buying more expensive items but that is because I have decided what I really do want/need and then saving up for it or committing to spend more which is fine when you're not buying all those $10 items that you forget about soon after the purchase. I am buying less clothing but holding out to find the items that I "can't live without" or I really need for my wardrobe. I'm definitely not perfect yet. Both months I've come down to the last few days of the month and then made a trip to TJ Maxx and found myself sucked into buying some items that probably don't fit the bill, but I've returned them once I'm home because I know its not how I want to spend the money. So, if I do good 3 weeks out of the month and that last month is a struggle but in the end of the whole month I'm under my limit I'd say pretty good improvement!! We'll see how March goes. I am realizing that if I just save up my pennies I can have the things I really want that cost more and in the end will be more satisfied with how I spent my money (like that headboard and nightstands I'd really like to have in my bedroom).

So after two decent months how did I start off March? I finally convinced myself to buy the adorable Thomas Paul Octopus shower curtain for the bathroom makeover. I did find an alternative for much less at Target that had stripes, but I just realized that the shower curtain was what I really wanted and would really make the changes in the bathroom what I wanted in the design. I decided against changing out the lighting or hardware or doing the beadboard so that spending a little more on this will be ok. And I feel much better doing it now since I know I didn't spend all that money on silly little nonsense.

Any money tips you've found that really work? How do you restrain yourself? I'm just trying to keep myself out of a SA (shopaholics anonymous) group. Is there such a thing?

recovery

2011-02-28T20:08:00.000-08:00

Well, physically I think I'm about 95% recovered. If you count the fact that the doc ruined my bikini modeling career with one of the incision scars, then I'll never be healed. LOL! (FYI Mom - that was a complete joke). I still am tired but not sure if that was due to 3 late nights in a row last weekend or what. When it comes to my emotions and what not, I have good days and bad days, but mostly good.

It's been two weeks. I've had a flood of different emotions go through me. First, I am sincerely grateful for all of the prayers in my behalf and the sincere messages I received. I realized more and more that really what I have experienced is nothing compared to many of the things you have all endured.

Although I know what I know in regards to my relationship with God and the gospel of Jesus Christ, I have still experienced some challenging feelings and emotions. For the last week I've been struggling with anger and frustration towards God. Some, including my husband, have said, "The Lord is in control." But every time I hear that I get angry. This is all out of my control and I hate that. I found myself struggling with anger towards God. If he's in control he's to blame right? Seriously is it possible to be angry at God without getting struck with lightning? It doesn't seem fair, and it isn't, but life isn't about fairness is it. I know, I know.

I feel frustrated because I paid for a baby and didn't come home from the hospital with one. Now all that money we saved up (we have horrible insurance so every baby costs us about $5,000), we have to save up again.

I feel discouraged. I know 10 months of trying to get pregnant isn't much compared to those of you who waited 2, 3, 5 years. But every month it feels like I get my hopes up only to get them dashed. And then finally, FINALLY, my wish came true. I didn't have any reason to think something would go wrong. I feel like I took pregnancy for granted, even that once you are pregnant, nothing would go wrong. Now, my prayers have changed. I bought a cute maternity dress for the summer. I am returning it. About six months ago I started buying baby girl clothes every now and again. Who knows if we'll ever have a girl, but it was exciting, it brought hope that I'd get pregnant. Now it seems like a waste all of the sudden.

I feel damaged. All of my significant health problems have been related to my girl parts. Gosh darn it. I have been freaking out about getting pregnant now with one fallopian tube. My two week post op check with the doctor couldn't come soon enough with so many questions. I was so drugged when the doc came in the morning after surgery that I didn't even know what to say.

Today was my two week post-op check with the doctor. The room brought back some pain. Two weeks ago I was eagerly waiting (although in pain and slightly worried something was wrong) the doc to confirm the pregnancy and that I was just experiencing some normal pregnancy pains. Two weeks ago I got the horrible news the pregnancy would have to be ended.

Results that dreaded day: I was bleeding internally. I'd lost about 200 cc's of blood. That was the source of my severe pains. The doc had to take out 1/3 of my left fallopian tube and I now have a 1 in 10 chance of having another ectopic pregnancy.

Did you know that you still ovulate every month when you only have one tube? The doctor gave me hope today. The human body is amazing regardless of my damaged goods. Both ovaries can feed into either tube so hopefully our next dear baby won't lose its way. He says my right tube looks good. In the future I have to call the doc as soon as I find out I'm pregnant and then get in his office as soon as possible to confirm the pregnancy and its location to hopefully prevent the same damaging effects. Its a tricky thing though because you have to wait long enough to detect the pregnancy and its location, but if you want too long to when there is a visable heart beat its too late. I was probably 5-6 days too late this time. You have to surgically remove the egg rather than use the chemotherapy medications that kill it at that point. Tricky business! I am hopeful though and really praying that this was just a bump in the road and that the Lord's timing doesn't involve waiting for too much longer.

diy frosting...yum!

2011-02-18T14:17:00.000-08:00

Are your taste buds salivating already? Does the title of this post and that picture confuse you? Well anything decor related gets my taste buds going! Oh wait, maybe its the fact that I'm eating an entire plate of brownies as we speak. I deserve it after this week right? Right!

So I've been thinking about our entry area lately. It needs a plan. It needs life. I'm struggling with the entry table because the ones I like are expensive and not really functional (they just look pretty) and I'm realizing I should use the space for more function of either housing my stuff or more of gavin's toys. I'm thinking some sort of dresser is the key. Anyway, that is another post. I've been despising the DIY curtains I whipped up a couple months ago and want to tear them down immediately, but they are our only privacy unless we go back to having our entry closet door open to block the window. So, when I was visiting a friend in utah her front entry window was frosted and it got me thinking. Frosting!! That would still allow light in that I miss with the curtain and it would give privacy!

Here is an DIY I just came across on design sponge. What do you think? She just used clear contact paper and a paint pen. I love the lines, not the flowery stuff. Hmmmm... Here is the full post over at Design Sponge for your DIY pleasure. As soon as I'm healthy enough to get out of my house, I will be buying contact paper and a white paint pen!

Losing it's Way

2011-02-16T19:36:00.001-08:00

My Valentine's Day was...well to say the least...eventful. I woke up to this sweet homemade valentine by Ryan. I had to laugh at his interpretation of me but it was sweet. Notice anything in my belly region?!? Well, I planned this post for a few weeks from now to announce that I am pregnant. Unfortunately, the Lord has other plans for us for now. I've been sick the past week with severe cramps on and off. I finally got in to see the doctor and he confirmed my fears--I had an ectopic pregnancy. The doctor sent me straight to the hospital and Ryan and I spent the night in the hospital while I had surgery. It's hard to accept but I received a priesthood blessing and have faith that the Lord will give me strength to handle this trial. Someday I will have more children, someday! This is all fresh and I think I'm still in a little denial, but I decided part of the process is sharing it, something I don't do often. The X-ray tech told me when she had an ectopic pregnancy she told her kids the baby got lost on it's way here. My baby got lost on it's way.

my house: dining room/kitchen updates

2011-02-09T14:50:00.000-08:00

Dining Room/Kitchen Updates

I can't even remember how many months ago it was I promised pictures of the updates I've made to our dining room and kitchen. Well, it has taken time and in fact, still not complete. We did the initial painting and haven't finished the kitchen or hallway. I have, however, added some decor and we did finally get our pendant lights about the kitchen island switched out. Ryan's dad is AMAZING! I love that he has so many handy skills and he is so generous and willing to help. I ask for advise and guidance, and he saves me and does it for me. When Gavin and I were in Utah he came out I think twice to make these lights happen and I was so excited to see them up when I got home!

So, here the are the photos and I will be the first to admit they are not in focus and horrible lighting. As such, I took the liberty to edit them and use some fun new techniques I've come across. You still get the idea... Someday I will photograph them again and hope for better results. I've been trying to shoot out of auto mode so I'm still getting used to aperture and shutter speeds when dealing with bad lighting and it is proving to be more of a challenge than I realized. I also couldn't get the woods in the kitchen cabinets and floors to read right. They aren't as orange/red as they look. I would love to paint them out white but it would be a HUGE $$ investment to have it done right and since we don't want to be here long-term it was out.

Wondering what that big white circled on the photo is? Its covering up the horrible builder-grade light that is still in the dining room. It so doesn't go with the updates and I've been struggling to find the right light to replace it. We need the 800-1000 Watts of light that it gives off (isn't that awful though, I mean seriously not good). I am looking for a compromise around 300 watts and a dimmer switch, but its hard to find anything that will cast light up and not just down on the table. I am leaning towards an oversized paper lantern around 30-36 inches in diameter and a light fixture that is inserted inside around 300 watts.

I was able to create a little desk area for myself in the corner of the dining room. For the first 3 years we were in this house the cut out area sat blank and was the first and only thing people commented on when they walked into the room. "Why is that there?" Our response, "No clue!". So, after debating about having a built-in desk added and not wanting to spend that much money, I found this little parsons desk on WalMart.com. Its not anything crazy but it works for the area and will do the job. We probably won't need it once we leave this house so I think the minimal investment was key. I love having this little area. Its all mine!!

I think I've said it before that our house has some built-in architecture that really gives it a cabin feel. I love modern (think warm wood, black and white contrast, industrial, rustic). So, I have been trying to decide on some changes we can make to help meld the home closer to my style and at a low cost. Neither Ryan or I want to live here long term (like no more than 5 more years) so I hesitate to make serious changes to the home. I also don't know how many people who live in Orland would appreciate modern design so I don't want to invest in something that won't appeal to people when we go to sell the home.

This display on the console is probably not permanant. Ryan thinks its weird having the green board there. Its a bulletin board I made (still need some more nailhead tacks to finish the trim). It was a bulletin board from Salvation Army for like $10 and I already had the fabric. I used it for activity days but am not doing that any more. Down the road with kids we could post quotes of the week, whatever. We will see...

Here are the amazing lights! They look smaller in the photos, but seeing them here I wonder if I could pull off the next size up. I may try them out. I love large oversized lights! Here is the magnetic chalkboard wall I painted. I love it! I found some dustless chalk that works pretty good. We have already been enjoying it drawing clocks, airplanes, and trucks. I love that it breaks up the wood and adds the black that I wanted to use in the walls.

Here is the other angle. I sewed a faux roman shade for the kitchen window. It took me a while to line up the pattern. Note to self: when a beginner seamstress stick with solid fabrics. Its tough because i love the prints! Its not perfect but I'm happy with it (most of the time). Its a chevron print (zig zag). It adds a modern kick to the area. We still need to paint out the area around the shade with the gray that's in the dining room, same thing by the fridge and into the hallway.

The bathroom is next and coming along Sllllllllllllowly. Thanks to my father-in-law again he got us moving again by helping to remove the trim and wall paper in there. Removing wallpaper is probably the worst thing ever and I haven't done any of it myself yet. Ryan is so sweet to be working on it. I am excited about what I think the end result will be. It is coming out much like my inspiration board!! So excited!

What have you been doing around your house?

tee pee talk

2011-01-20T15:28:00.001-08:00

I've had a heavy heart the past couple of months, ok longer but who's keeping track? Mothering is a tough thing and I know its only begun. The Lord is blessing me and comforting me, giving me only what I can handle. Although I complain a lot about taking on challenges and wish for less, I know I can handle it, with His help.

I love family. It is my greatest gift. I love MY family.

Last night Gavin and I set up shop in his new tee pee. I needed a change of pace from a good 30 minutes of playing peek-a-boo with him that was going on. He couldn't get enough of it- the peek-a-boo. That kid can laugh! I started in with him playing at dinner and it went for at least 30 minutes (it felt like that at least). It transferred from me hiding my face to him doing it and then I upped the ante by hiding from him behind his high chair while he had his face behind the plate. He is such a gift. I have been praying lately that his fun disposition and calm sense of character will continue with him throughout life. He is just such a chill and happy dude.

Back to the tee pee. I lured Gavin in with farm animals and his tractor. He brought in his blankie. He is so Linus from Charlie Brown. We have been using Ryan's plaid flannel blanket from when he was a kid as the floor of his tee pee. Its a special place for us already. I have fond memories of the family tee pee growing up. Gavin's toys fall into two categories: one, the toys I loved and have special memories of as a child, and two, the toys I didn't get and wished I had. Its funny how life cycles. My goal is to let him enjoy and have/do the things he wants, not what I want him to have/do. But for now I have a little more say so!

After 20 minutes of laughter "Da Da" came home from church stuff. He joined us in the tee pee too. There was more laughter. Eventually Gavin escaped into the universe outside our special tent and it was just Ryan and I. I have a feeling that the tee pee will be a special place for us as well. We laid down inside together, his idea, I imagined the stars above (even though we were inside the house). There was magic in the air. I imagined our family years from now, not in its infancy like it is now. I dreamt of the children who are taking their precious time joining us here. I miss them and yet I haven't even met them yet.

There is longing and heartbreak, but there is more laughter and joy.

I have a heavy heart, but I can handle it, with His help.

in my next life I will be an artist

2010-12-16T00:03:00.000-08:00

The creative mind is an amazing thing! I wish mine was more inspired. I want to translate the above handmade (well hand decorated) ornament I saw here on a blog I just discovered last week Aesthetic Outburst into DIY Art for my home. Wish I was an artist! Help! I also want to try it on ornaments but I fear it will wait until next year.

option #2

2010-12-15T23:46:00.000-08:00

So, I'm back with a second option for our guest bath. I've been debating between the striped walls and doing gray walls. My only hesitation with gray is that our hallway and dining room are already gray. I would do a darker gray, but still. Anyway, I wasn't sold on the previous design and it wasn't really jumping at me. I still love the inspiration photo but I think it might not work with the current bathroom without changing details like mirrors, cabinets, etc. So, I have more inspiration photos. Imagine that!! I started with the gray and then found a great photo to help move along the room. I am really loving this one!! What do you think?

Shower Curtain: Thomas Paul (I found it on csnstores.com)

Rug: Ikea

Orange & White Stripe Rug: Ikea

Lighting: Schoolhouse Electric

Shelf over toilet: Ikea

Glass jars: Ikea

Art: art.com (I think)

Inspiration photos: Gray dining taken from marthastewart.com Texas duplex house tour. Love that tour!!!

Let me know what you think!!

am I nuts?

2010-12-02T00:25:00.000-08:00

So its almost 12:30am. I've been stewing over the guest bathroom, working on the inspiration board based on the image I posted here. So, this is what I have so far. I am trying to come up with some new light fixtures but I don't know what to do and don't really want to replace them if I don't have to because I want to keep the cost down. What do you think? Am I nuts? It will be the bathroom for kids and guests so I threw the world map shower curtain to make the room more playful and not too formal for kids.

Honestly, am I nuts?

Rock My World: Honey Lime Chicken Enchiladas

2010-12-01T16:37:00.000-08:00

* photo credits: phemomenon.blogspot.com

At our monthly family dinner at my parent's house my mom made the most amazing enchiladas!! Seriously people! They were amazing. They are Honey Lime Chicken Enchiladas. I asked for the recipe and made them for myself for the first time this week. Her copy of the recipe credits Holly Hanks at Phe.MOM.enon, but the recipe varies just slightly from hers (I'd follow the adjustments she makes in parentheses). I think it all works out in the end though. They are seriously worth your time and very simple. If you wanted you could even purchase a rotisserie chicken to cut time down instead of boiling some chicken breasts. I can't wait for this summer to grill up some breasts using the marinade in this recipe (its easy with only 3 ingredients, quick and delish). So, here is a link to the recipe on Holly's blog with pictures and the details. And as she states, the pictures DON'T do them justice. I only put 1 tsp. of chili powder in them to start and because I was making them for Gavin to eat. In the future I will do 2 tsp. and see where that puts us. YOU WON'T REGRET MAKING THESE ONE BIT, UNLESS YOU DIDN'T MAKE ENOUGH!!

Oh and BTW I prefer these better with flour tortillas.

One Kings Lane

2010-12-01T13:24:00.000-08:00

If you haven't heard of One Kings Lane, its an online site that offers tons of different interior decor for up to 70% off. Right now they have Melissa & Doug toys!! I've been in search of wood blocks for Gavin and almost bought them on Amazon. Guess what? They are cheaper on OKL!! Take a look!

family night

2010-11-29T20:27:00.000-08:00

Confession: Ryan and I have NOT been good at having family home evening, which for those who don't know is something we are told to do in our church. We are to hold a special time each week (usually on Monday evenings) together as a family and teach about the gospel of Jesus Christ or other appropriate topics that are needed for our family and spend time together in prayer, music, and an activity. Well, with a baby/toddler I have just struggled with how to implement the gospel into Gavin's life. I mean seriously, he won't sit down and fold his arms for a prayer or really have any idea what I'm doing. I've attempted to read him scriptures from the picture books and he just turns the page faster than I can read one caption. It feels unnatural because he is my first child, but I have heard on more than one occasion in church that infants can feel the spirit and comprehend more than we realize. We are to start young. I DO know that Gavin responds to music and loves to look a pictures. So, after too many years of not doing it, I have taken the counsel seriously since October's General Conference and we are now on week 3 of family night. I had the thought to use the Nursery Class manual "Behold the Little Ones". It is proving to be a big help as it is short, uses music and pictures. Gavin pays attention for about oh point 5 seconds. Tonight he was especially energetic. We were trying to teach him how to pray. Riiiiiiiiight! So the song from Primary came to my mind as he was jumping around. It was much more successful and realistic rather than explaining to him the process.

Then came the closing prayer. Ryan said it while I attempted to hold Gavin in my lap and fold his arms. He resisted. The funniest part didn't even have anything to do with Gavin.

Ryan said: "Dear Heavenly Father, We are grateful that we have been able to have family night for 2 weeks in a row now."

I said: (Cutting Ryan off) "3, 3 weeks not 2!" as if I was bound and determined to get credit for 3 weeks in a row!! (Just in case the merciful Man upstairs didn't know already). Ryan and I busted up laughing, had to regain composure and finish the prayer. Have mercy on us, we are still IMPERFECT!!

So, I am very curious: How did it go for you when it came to starting family prayer, scripture study, and FHE with your first baby/toddler? Any tips?

bathroom inspiration

2010-11-22T16:00:00.001-08:00

I know I promised after photos of the dining room but I'm still working on the final touches. Plus I've been sick for a week now and November went by in a flash with all of the activities we've had going. I don't even want to think about how it will be when (if) we have multiple children. I can't begin to imagine how so many of you moms juggle it all!!

So, I don't have any dining room photos but I do have an inspiration photo to share for our guest bathroom. Its been on my mind A LOT! I decided I wanted stripes and started out determined to put them on the ceiling, but I don't think that is something I want to tackle on my own. Maybe someday when I can pay a professional to do it. So, this image came to mind and so I hunted it down in my files of thousands of inspiration photos. It is less traditional than the evenly spaced stripes and I think it will work great with the rest of the home. I am also considering 2 DIY round chunky rope mirrors above the 2 sinks that Nate featured on his show a couple weeks ago. Looks very simple!! We shall see. This will eventually be the kids bathroom too so it has to function for them. Before I get started though I have to remove some trim and pine cone border wallpaper that I've ignored for long enough!

*image credits: Lonny Mag

cruisin'

2010-10-29T00:33:00.000-07:00

Gavin is crusin'! He is 19 months old. His new name is "I will take my sweet time!" I can't tell you how many times people would tell me, "Just wait, one day he'll just start running." NOPE!! I'm still waiting. He took his first independent steps mid-September and its been a progressive month or so. Just the past week or two he has developed a lot more confidence and now he will appear around corners in the house walking instead of crawling or scooting. He is growing so much these days and he really seems like a toddler now. He is learning how to stand up on his own in the middle of the room. That will take more time... Needless to say we are ecstatic! My guess is he will be running by New Years 2012! hahaha!

gray-licious

2010-10-20T16:55:00.000-07:00

Well, if we're friends on Facebook you know I've been busy with various projects around the house. I'm so excited because our house is finally feeling like "our house". We've lived here for over 3 years now, but I never painted but just decorated around the colors the builders had picked. You see, every room in our house has some color it seems except 1 bathroom. It was one of the model homes. So, now that we're putting our spin on things I am falling in love with this house and have warned Ryan that if he wants me to never want to leave Orland it will be through making this home MY OWN so that I absolutely love being here.

The dining room/kitchen/hallway color,as you know, is Benjamin Moore's Senora Gray. I love it and it works so well with our living room color and with all the wood in our home. I feel like it actually makes the wood more beautiful and love the distinction now between the ceiling beams, walls, floors. I actually love the wood now and love my dining room table now more than ever before. Amazing that one gallon of paint (and primer in our case) can do that. It is so true that one of the most inexpensive and most impressive ways to get a new feel in your home is to paint.

I'm not ready to do a full reveal, still need to hang wall art and add some furniture, but I will give you a sneak peak. Before I do, I must say again we had a GREAT experience at Knight's Paint in Chico. Richard is so awesome. He even goes as far as to mop the floors if he knows we will be in that day so that Gavin can scoot and crawl around as he pleases. He has offered to give any of my friends and family the same contractor's discount. Their premium paint (eggshell) ends up being just under $29 a gallon!! Not bad especially for Benjamin Moore! I think that's even less than Home Depot's Behr.

In prepping to paint I had to move the bookcase that has been in our dining room. I've never liked it much there and a few months ago realized that a little cut out area of our hallway was a perfect spot for a bookcase. Although the ideal would be a built-in I don't want to spend money on it and this sucker would fit right in the spot. I really like it more now there and once we finish painting the hallway the wall behind it will be gray. You like my color coordination. These are all of our religious books (except for the Arnold book and NO we are not Arnold fans when it comes to politics. Ryan admires his days as Mr. Olympian!).

and just to give you even more of a taste of the changes going on around our house, here is a sneak peak of the magnetic chalkboard I painted on the front of our kitchen island. More to come on that!!

Discovery At Last!!

2010-10-05T11:13:00.000-07:00

It has been discovered...the paint color!! Hallelujah!! We will be painting the dining room/kitchen this weekend if I have it my way and I think I have bribed Ryan into helping in my madness! He has his second to last assignment due this Friday night so he said he would have time to help me Saturday. I'm considering it my anniversary gift, although I did have to sweeten the deal a bit. Who said bribing and bartering wasn't good for a marriage? LOL!

So, here is the color. Benjamin Moore's Senora Gray 1530.

I first laid eyes on it here. And of course colors on your computer monitor screen NEVER look like they do in real life and especially not when you put them on your own walls in your house. Lighting is so very tricky. I have learned a lot about color between picking colors for the living room and dining room/hallways now. It makes me want to take that color theory class I've had my eye on for a few years now. Because the light in our dining room is coming from north facing windows, it is very cool. Thus, we needed a color with warm undertones to counteract the coolness of the light. I wanted gray and thus knew I was in for a long road of torture. I am on a first name basis with Rich at Knight's Paint in Chico (Benjamin Moore paints). He has been so very helpful lending me large color swatches, even an entire color deck with generous sized samples. He is even giving me a break on the paint price, making it cheaper than Home Depot and Sherwin Williams paints. We loved how it covered in the living room and having great help and someone to teach more more about color and painting methods has been key. Plus, it feels good to support local businesses. I promised Ryan I'd have everything prepped before Saturday, so I've got my work cut out for me.

happy anniversary!!

2010-10-05T10:44:00.000-07:00

It's been 4 years and it just gets better all the time! I love that as time has gone by we feel more and more comfortable in our skin and with each other. All of the challenges of early married life have melted away and I feel more confident about myself than I ever have before. I can honestly say that our happiness in marriage has increased enormously with Gavin's arrival. My personal happiness and they love that Ryan and I have for each other and for Gavin has really brought us to a new, more wonderful level. No doubt we have our challenges, always will, but I love feeling more confident about where we have been, what we've overcome, and the future is bright! The more we both strive to put the other before ourselves and really strive for our spouse's happiness the closer we feel to each other and the more loved we feel.

In August, Ryan and I took a quick overnight trip to Ashland, Oregon. Love that place and dream of living there! Anyway, on the trip we listened to the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. We still haven't finished it but what we did listen to was a great reminder of how to continue to grow in our love for each other. We discussed the ways we feel most loved and were reminded of how we can have greater happiness as we strive to love each other and recognize and express gratitude for the efforts of the other to love us. It has been a true testimony to the power of marriage and that it is indeed a sacred union blessed by God. Everyday I gain greater appreciation and love for my Heavenly Father for giving me the gift of family and marriage. It has the power to help us become our best selves, provide us with eternal happiness, and bring some of the most tender moments life has to give.

Happy Anniversary!

sweet progress!

2010-09-28T08:58:00.001-07:00

day #2 without a bottle and its going very well! I gave up on the sippy cup and started teaching him to drip from a regular cup and water bottle. Went back for another round of sippy cup action (I have a out 10 different kinds from our pre-trials) and no problem. He just has to learn to tip his head back now! Sweet progress, even if its just a sippy cup!

also happy to report to the world that doesn't see my facebook posts, gavin is taking steps as of my yard sale on September 18th! I was working hard and so was he, I missed those first steps. Figures! Luckily his second mom, my sister Michelle was there encouraging him on. She is his therapist, not Ryan. haha! I wouldn't call it walking but he will take about 4 steps to treats in your hand, the nearest table, or tv. Progess!! I am starting to believe he hit a big milestone and is overcoming some of his roadblock. He climbs up on the couch like a champ and is now attempting to climb over the back of it and fall to the ground. Sheesh. I think its all Ryan's fault from teaching him to dive off the bed into Ryan's arms. We've got a dare devil on our hands people. Now just for that speech! If no progress by his next Dr. Appt in November we might be heading into some intervention treatment according to the MD.

vacation, part 2

2010-09-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

It's horrible when you finally get around to posting about a vacation and you're already in desperate need of another one! Seriously, Ryan's schooling is going better than I expected (well its still harder for him that expected, but I'm fairing it better than I thought). That being said, I CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO BE OVER!!!! It is a blessing I know and will bless our family and Ryan's career for the next 30+ years, but I sincerely hope he takes me seriously when I tell him I need a break after this stint. We find out in October when the practical portion of his education will take place. It is some time in 2011 and will be in Austin, Texas. I still haven't decided if Gavin and I will join him. Hum...2 months in a large city away from family and probably without a car and with a 2 year old OR a sweet vacation in Mexico? Hum...indeed! It would cost us a few grand for us to go with so I'm debating using the dinero for a vacation and saving. We shall see!

So back to the last vacation... I had promised pictures of the aquarium. It was fun and made me even more excited for years to come when we take our kids to theme parks, aquariums, zoos--you know the drill. So here they are!

Please excuse the horrible pics I was taking them sans the flash so that you could actually see the aquarium in the background. I think the pic of all 3 of us is one of the very very few we have so far so even though there is a shadow over my eyes, it will go down in history.

vacation, part 1

2010-09-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

How many bosses demand that you take time off? Not many I'm guessing! Well, Ryan had about 340 hours of paid time off accrued and his boss kindly suggested that if he could he should take a week off. We've been saving up on time off for when we move to Texas next year for 9 weeks for his clinical work for his schooling. We need 360 hours!! That is so much, but with a mortgage to deal with while gone plus rent to live in Texas, the $$$ adds up fast. His bosses are so good to us really and assured him that if we needed to borrow PTO when the time came it would be fun. What boss lets you go in the red for PTO? Seriously! I am so grateful that they value the hard work and determination Ryan has to do a stellar job. He really does want to be the best PT ever!

So, without much hesitation the week was scheduled. Ryan is in the midst of his post-graduate schooling (one of many phases of post-grad work I'm sure in our lifetime) and let me tell you it is putting the heat on! But, surprisingly I am feeling closer to him that ever and it is helping me to trust in his love for me more and feel more confident in myself as his wife by helping him to know how much I appreciate his hard work and that we are here to support him. It is still challenging nonetheless. He had a one week mid-semester break from school so thankfully the week off from work was able to coincide with school too!

Ryan decided we should be spontaneous so when we couldn't go to Mexico due to Gavin's lack of a passport (won't happen again) we headed to San Francisco. I must add for remembrance sake that I have been under a good deal of stress, as well as Ryan and so the thought of San Francisco freaked me out. If you don't already know about my love/hate relationship with San Francisco, click here and here. I wanted cool and calm beach, but I knew Ryan was more interested in the city, so I booked the trip without a final yes from him. However, my stress didn't vanish and when I told him about it, well, to make a long story short, it ended in a disagreement. We were both so overdue for a vacation that we had no juice to give. We can both be stubborn!! So, I packed the bags for Gavin and I (while Ryan was determined to stay home). He had good intentions but I was stubborn and wasn't going to waste the money I'd spent on reserving the hotel. The car was packed and Gavin in his seat and we still weren't talking. I decided to go in and ask if Ryan was sure he didn't want to come and while I did so he was praying to overcome his stubbornness and promised the Lord if I asked that he would accept the invite to go with. Thank you Lord our wills gave in and we ended up on our vacation together instead of apart.

We stayed in Fisherman's Wharf area so it was really easy to walk places and thank goodness for GPS we didn't get lost nearly as many times as normal. We hit up the Exploratorium (something Ryan has wanted to do for awhile). I laughed more than I thought and really liked learning about science stuff.

At age 30 Ryan is still obsessed with muscles. In fact, Gavin was wearing a "muscle shirt" the other day and Ryan couldn't stop talking about how good of deltoid muscles Gavin has. He has also started introducing Gav to his protein shakes. Oh help me now!

@ the Exploratorium-- The power of the mind. It really was quite difficult to drink from the toilet especially because of the water sitting in the basin. Freaky!

Gavin was seriously a delight to have on the trip and he did wonderful. He slept in the bathroom (is that gross?) so that we could shut the door and watch movies after he went to bed. One night he stayed out with us until 9:45 while we drove across town to try SF's best pizza. He ate really well, which has been a challenge for him, and took most of his naps on the go. I think his favorite time was at the beach, which actually was all of ours. We drove up the coast from SF to go to Muir Beach but there was no parking so we went a little ways further to Stinson Beach. It was beautiful! Ryan convinced me to go under all the way in the ocean and it was quite refreshing. Gavin loved playing in the waves and couldn't get enough. I felt so much joy seeing Ryan and him having fun that I know I would never experience if it weren't for that kid. I simply LOVE BEING A MOTHER!

Stinson beach. Beautiful beach and great for boogie boarding, skimboarding, and young kids!(that's Ryan and Gavin just out past the sand castle. ryan is bent over holding Gavin's hands).

At breakfast one morning at Denny's. We were racing his car down the table to him (the table was not level) and he couldn't get enough of it.

Honestly, i think it turned out better because of the disagreement. Ryan has promised the Lord if he did go that he'd have a "go with the flow" attitude. So, he did, and he did a great job at it. So no matter how stressed I got he would keep calm. His nickname for the weekend became "Flow". In fact, I was "Go", Gavin was "With" (because he has no choice in the matter) and Ryan was "Flow". He says he actually really enjoyed having that attitude and I know in the end it helped me to relax too.

I told Ryan that for me, a vacation includes a little fun, laughter, relaxation and good food. This was it for me! The beach was something I had wanted and because of Flow, he made it happen. I got my relaxation and we did things a little out of norm and enjoyed laughing and playing around like we were kids again. I really believe laughter to be the best medicine for the soul!

check back soon for part 2! I'm admiring the entire chocolate coconut cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory that just arrived on my doorstep! Oh dearest husband you know how to fill my love tank! hahaha!

ignore him?

2010-08-20T15:38:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: if you are a perfect parent or a professed perfect parent STOP reading now!

So I've noticed a trend among friends and their babies. They can do most everything that Gavin can't do, BUT what he has over them is his great sleeping abilities! I mean this kid sleeps. He has been going 12 1/2 hours at night and a 3 hour nap in the afternoons. This is consistent. I have had several friends comment on fb or to me that they wish they could get their baby to sleep past 5:30 am. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT GETTING YOUR BABY TO SLEEP LONGER!!! But when Gavin wakes up earlier than I want whether its during a nap or in the morning what do I do. Yep, I ignore him!

And you know what, for him, it works like a charm.

Call me a horrible mother, neglectful if you want, but he goes back to sleep. I honestly think that if you go right in when they wake they will expect it. So, I started letting him wait. If he was crying I went in after only a few minutes and try to calm him and then see if he falls back asleep. But most often he's happy so what's the shame in letting him lay there to see if he'll fall back asleep. In fact, today Gavin woke from his nap after only 1 1/2 hours. He usually sleeps minimum 2 1/2 but normally 3 so I knew it wasn't long enough. So, what did I do IGNORED HIM! He went back to sleep, but woke 30-40 minutes later. Again, I ignored him and mowed the lawn. He has now slept (off and on) for 3 hours and is still going strong. I'm sure I just jinxed myself and he will be up the second I post this.

So although my dearest boy can't walk, talk or chew gum (let alone all 3 at the same time) HE CAN SLEEP!! And for that I am grateful, especially since I've adopted this awful habit of staying up way too late. I still get to sleep 8 1/2 hours before he wakes me.

where has the time gone?

2010-08-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

Gavin - 16 months

I can't believe how quickly Gavin is growing up. Seriously, where has the time gone? Gavin is definitely growing in to his little toddler self that he will be, tantrums include (more on the mini scale though). It is so exciting to see him discover life more, albeit at his slow chilled rate. He is still a spitting image of his daddy. I thank God everyday for his little dude and how much he has changed my life. What a sweetheart. I am so grateful for family and the opportunity to be a mother.

death by interior design

2010-07-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

So I've been gone... for a really long time. I would like to blame it on a busy life, but that would be a lie. It has actually been busy if you consider countless hours perusing interior design and decorating blogs and trying to make up my mind about our house. Well, my mind is made up but I guess its more how to fit "my style" into the architectural design of the home. If I had it my way our dining room would have black walls. You see it has a lodge feel and why I didn't realize the challenge it would be when we bought it I don't know. For goodness sakes they decorated the place with pine cones and deer trophy heads or whatever they're called. I still have the pine cone wall paper border in my guest bath because I just can't decide what to do in its place, and I'm lazy. Its easier to shut the door.

Anyway, I've been working on our living room. There are several challenges with our house. The architectural design, already mentioned, and then the other is the floor plan. It is very open, which we love but that means that whatever I do in one room has to flow into the other. The third challenge that I have had to come to terms with is the lighting, or lack thereof of natural light. It has made for the most difficult challenges in choosing colors for the wall. That black dining room I want, well it will have to exist in my mind for now until another house, which I hope with all my might has plenty of natural light! The natural light we do have from our north facing windows makes the colors read cold and brings out any amount of blue in the paint. So as a result I ended up testing at least 10 different colors (which I still have proof of on our kitchen wall, can someone say circus!) and holding off painting for a month before I could commit to a color. We spent our 4th of July weekend painting. Even then when I finally did commit to the color, well, we hated it! On the advice of the nice guy at Benjamin Moore (thank you dear Richard, yes we're on a first name basis now, for your patience) we decided to live with it for a while. I was so tired of trying paint colors and failing, we spent quite a bit of $$ on the paint and primer and Ryan just started back to school for his post-graduate work, thus time is too precious for re-painting.

So I decided to work on changing some of the layout and accessories. After doing that I feel 100 times better about the space. As our $$ budget allows we will be upgrading our entertainment center to a larger white one and adding some black floor lamps from Ikea.

Without further ado, here is the room as it sits today (guaranteed it will be different in some way in a month).

That being said, the color is growing on us and when it reads warmer from incandescent light I actually think I really love it. It is a lot of blue though so I doubt we will keep this color for more than a year or two (sweetie I hope you don't read this). I guess any length of time is better than having to had repaint it that same weekend like Ryan said he would just so I could feel at peace and be happy. I really had a hard time with it at first. I didn't want to even be in the room. Horrible!

I really didn't add too many new things, even though Ryan would disagree. For an early Mother's Day gift Ryan surprised me with the area rug. I had been pining over it for months and when I informed him there was only one left on Overstock.com he grabbed it on his lunch break and surprised me with it a week later when it arrived. It should last us for a very long time. I highly recommend Overstock.com for killer rug deals. This rug retails for over $1200 on other websites. Its a Surya Rug designed by Jill Rosenwald and made of 100% wool which I have read is great for kid-friendly homes. It has saved Gavin's head countless times already when he falls and our last rug was so thin it was like hitting the hardwood floor. I got the rug for about 1/3 of the retail price. It was a steal and a great investment in my mind.

The bookcase and baskets are from Ikea which we used to keep in the front entry area. I made custom stickers to put on the tags from Bake it Pretty to identify what is in each basket and I will change them as Gavin uses them more. They house lots of toys and I love having them organized and not visible but accessible at the same time.

I sewed the turquoise pillow myself (don't look closely the sewing will scare you) from a discontinued sample of a Waverly fabric at Joann's for $2.50. I already had all of the other pillows. The chartreuse-like green pillows (from Ikea, ofcourse) were the foundation for this entire makeover. Its my favorite color and so I went searching for a wall color that would compliment the green well. I found some great inspiration photos and decided to take the plunge. I plan on getting some fabric paint and a stencil and painting a geometric pattern on the green ones, someday.

I wanted to ditch the glass coffee table but until Gavin splits his head open on it I think it will stay. Although it shows every hand print and water ring it is super easy to clean off and for that I think it will add to the kid-friendliness. The chevron-like print pillow is from Ross for $10. I am not a huge fan of Ross (love TJ Maxx/Homegoods) but have frequented there more lately and have found some great deals on pillows for our bedroom as well.

I love that our artwork pops out more from the wall. I will eventually change up the art on the wall with the entertainment center on it, but I'm trying to take a break from worrying about it for now.

Now I have to find a solution to covering up the 8 or so spots of sample colors I painted on the kitchen/dining wall (we don't have any of the original wall color paint). Hopefully Richard isn't tired of me coming into his paint store!

I'll try to be back sooner than later... if making decorating choices doesn't kill me first.

the details

2010-04-04T22:14:00.000-07:00

the details:

In short, Ryan says I put in hundreds of hours of preparation (a slight exaggeration). I did use tons of paper, glue, double-sided tape (genius invention), an entire ink cartridge, and I loved every moment of it! Unfortunately I was finishing up details when the great-grandparents arrived (darn early birds) so I didn't get to really snap photos. Ryan lovingly tried to get some for me while I snuck away to get ready (I was still in my sweats when they arrived).

FYI that is NOT beer. They are lemon lime sodas I found at TJ Maxx (purchased solely for the green label). Thankfully they ended tasting pretty good too!

I did NOT make the cake. I do know my limits!

I also didn't make the #1 cookies. I ran out of time and Janice my mother-in-law who worries about the details too, graciously insisted on making them for me!

the most important detail of them all...the birthday boy and love of my life, can you tell?

Now, for planning Ryan's 30th!!! I hope he likes blue and green. I sure would like to get more use out of everything I did! LOL!

birthday boy!

2010-04-04T21:53:00.000-07:00

I can't believe our buddy guy is already 1! The past year has flown by and been full of so many of the most amazing experiences and moments. He has changed my life and our family! I couldn't ask for a more amazing child. He is so gosh darn happy its hard to believe. He really is the best baby. I will highlight his strengths and avoid his weaknesses. He sleeps 12-13 hours a night, eats like a champ, plays well on his own, takes great naps, is a total trooper when I take him shopping (which is weekly), he loves the jogging stroller, or any stroller or car seat, does great on car trips, is always happy, is already mastering the art of efficiency since he is such a large boy he is determined to scoot on his bottom instead of crawling so that he doesn't have to transition he can just stay in the same position and scoot right up to the tv to turn it on and off, on and off, on and off.

That's all I can think of now. I cannot describe the joy and happiness that I have been blessed with as a mother. I guess that is something I have been celebrating the most this past year is the gift of motherhood. I do not understand how the Lord could entrust me with such an amazing spirit of His, but I want to do the best I can to help him to be happy, to love him, and to help him return to his Father in Heaven someday.

Happy Birthday Gavin! We love you with all our hearts!

wannabe

2010-03-04T15:29:00.000-08:00

Today I'm wishing I was:

an attorney

an accountant

a realtor

a lendor

a millionaire

a psychic

Today I'm wishing I wasn't:

overweight

lazy

OK so the "wasn't" list didn't really fit with what is running through my head and heart but I they do equally apply to my struggles these days. All I can say is I wish I "knew" people. Life would be so much easier...right? Right!

POST EDIT: Just figured out why I don't "know" people-- So that I'm forced to overcome my laziness and maybe lose some weight while I'm at it! Wish me luck!

taking stock...

2010-02-19T15:18:00.000-08:00

what are we doing these days you ask?

We are "setting our house in order."

Doctrine & Covenants 93:43.

This last weekend we traveled to Eugene, Oregon. Beautiful, simply beautiful. If a place is beautiful in the winter you know its gorgeous in the summer and fall! Well, while visiting we were invited to my cousin Marie's home for dinner and then attended church with her family the following day. Gav was having his usually difficult time during church because napping was difficult and it seemed maybe it'd be easier to just leave early, but I decided we should stay. Boy howdy am I glad. I can't say that I had this crazy revelation or amazing moment where this bright light appeared or even went on in my head, but it was more of being where you're supposed to be on Sunday, worshipping God. The third meeting was a combined meeting because of Ward Conference and the topic was "Bringing up your Children in Light and Truth". The speakers did a great job of sharing their personal experiences raising children and helping us to understand counsel given recently by an apostle of the Lord, Elder Bednar. His talk was given during our church wide conference this past October. He referenced the scripture in D&C 93 and talked about being "More Diligent and Concerned at Home." I have to admit, I have much need for repentance and this week we have been trying to apply this talk and those things shared in the lesson to our home life. What stuck out to me the most at this time in my life is how much the "seemingly small things" matter so much. I realized that my neglect in these "small things" was keeping me from experiencing greater peace, happiness, and joy in life that I desperately need. They are essential if I want to draw on the much needed power of God to make certain decisions in life that face us and to be the wife and mother I have been praying to be. Elder Bednar suggests that, "as we are more faithful in LEARNING, LIVING, and LOVING the restored gospel of Jesus Christ" we can become more diligent and concerned at home. Questions have come into my mind like:

Do I "love" the gospel? What am I doing on a daily basis to learn, live and love the gospel of Jesus Christ? What things am I not doing? What things am I doing that are contrary to being diligent and concerned at home? Is Christ the center of our home? Is He the center of my life? Do I love him the most? If not, what do I love more? What is the center of our home? Is it materialism? Media? the distractions of the world? What do I spend my time doing if I'm not learning about and living the gospel of Jesus Christ? What is the center of each of my days?

This reminds me...I sat down at the piano earlier today and as I was playing my mind wandered to thoughts of the much needed setting in order we are undergoing. I experienced the following epiphany: I was leading my life much like someone who carelessly throws their laundry into the washer and dryer, setting the dials to whatever they chose, maybe mixing all the clothes in for convenience sake, completely disregarding the care instructions found on the clothing. These instructions came from the manufacturer, the creator of that item. We too have a Creator. I have a Creator! He lovingly sent me here with my own care instructions. He has given them to me in the form of scriptures, prophets of God, priesthood leaders, and personal revelation through prayer and meditation. In neglecting their counsel and not putting it as the priority in my life, I risk losing everything that I hold dear to myself. I can destroy the happiness and joy in life that I desperately desire.

Some things don't seem to make that much of a difference. You rationalize that even though the instructions say to hang dry, if I just dry the article on the "delicate cycle" it will be fine. And in fact, it may come out appearing unharmed and perfectly fine. But, what if over time and with each careless act it weakens the fibers and slowly breaks down the integrity of that garment? We too can go along thinking it doesn't make a difference if we have family home evening, or nightly prayer together? Because it sure seems that the kids don't pay attention. I realize now it is in the obedience to that counsel, in the consistency of doing these small things that it will lead to the strengthening and building up of our home and family, not the subtle breaking down of such a beautiful gift, OUR FAMILY!

the big 10!

2010-02-19T00:44:00.000-08:00

I am slowly becoming more familiar with photoshop elements. So, what did I stay up until 1am working on tonight? Here are my most recent attempts at digital scrapbooking. As I said before, I just can't get enough of this little dude. I'm guessing you can tell why from the pictures! He is so patient when it comes to all the photo shoots I make him endure!

i'm in love!

2010-02-08T22:03:00.000-08:00

(a little preview of his card I created)

I can't seem to get enough of "buddy guy" these days and unfortunately I've had less time with him because I've been back at Kremer Dental Care temporarily. Lately I've had lots of moments I've experienced pure bliss and unimaginable love for the little guy! These moments often lead to realizing I should be recording these sacred moments in a journal but I always seem to fail. Well, I decided I would begin the written expression of my love for him by designing him a Valentine's Day card. Ryan was teasing me, but I guess these days I've been finding any excuse to design cards and decorate (my two favorite hobbies right now, although I'm a novice at the former). I can't begin to express how full my heart is of gratitude and love towards God for giving me the gift of motherhood and more especially the little man himself.

Speaking of the little guy, he turned 10 months the end of January. Wow is time flying by! I've started designing his 1st birthday invitation, banners, treat bags, cutouts for decorating, cupcake tags, etc. Ryan would say I've gotten carried away, but I'm loving it! I might have to agree though because I think it will end up being a family only party. Boo hoo!

This weekend we're off to Eugene, Oregon. Boy howdy have we missed Oregon! Definitely a soft spot in our hearts for that beautiful state. Needless to say, we are very excited for the trip up there!

silver linings

2009-12-31T11:03:00.000-08:00

we're sick. it stinks (not literally-thankfully). today I found the silver lining to having a cold for a prolonged period of time. In fact, I discovered two great things:

1. I have now lost 2 lbs which I've struggled to do for several months now. Maybe this will be my motivation to keep working on that.(Even more of a miracle at the holiday time and I'm still eating chocolates galore.)Terrible, simply terrible thought I know.

2. I am now about 3 inches taller thanks to my trusty bed head and thus I feel much less pressure to lose weight as I was in the "overweight" category. Now with three more inches on my height I'm hoping that bumped me out of that category.

yea me for being a positive thinker!

ps if you have any spare kleenex laying around your house and are feeling generous we could use some. ;)

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-24T11:05:00.000-08:00

Is there room in my Inn...for Jesus?

The month of December has been very busy for us. The first half was filled with preparations for my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. The second half has been filled with recuperating and sickness. All I want for Christmas.... is a good night's sleep!

We hope you all have a very Merry Christmas. I came across a quote that left me enlightened and pondering the level of my devotion. Elder Neal A. Maxwell said,

"Each of us is an innkeeper who decides if there is room for Jesus."

and this poem...

A Prayer for December:

Dearest God,

Please never let me

Crowd my life

Full to the brim.

So like the keeper of Bethlehem's Inn,

I find I have no room for Him.

Instead, let my heart's door

Be ever open,

Ready to welcome

The newborn King.

Let me offer the best I have

To Him,

Who gives me everything.

--author unknown

With all our Love,

The Beck Family

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-25T17:11:00.001-08:00

the human experience

2009-11-05T10:26:00.000-08:00

My morning perusing of blogs was most heartwarming and spiritually uplifting when I read Stephanie Nielson's (better known as Nie Nie) blog post. She is such a strength and example of faith and perseverance. All I could think as she shared her experiences was there is something about her new outward appearance that to me allows her inward beauty and faith glow even brighter than before (as far as I can tell since I only know her through her blogging bc (before crash) and ac (after crash). It was just what I needed to make today the best day it can be and do the things that will help me to have that faith and that perseverance.

Just as Stephanie describes choosing to come back, to wake from her coma and to experience life with her family despite all the trials that laid ahead, we each chose as spirits in our pre-mortal life with God to come to this earth and experience life with physical bodies that are subject to death (and injury) so that we can experience the full measure of joy and happiness that God has in store for us. Elder Bednar, an apostle of Jesus Christ, shared the following at a recent Church Educational System Fireside (to read the entire EXCELLENT talk, go here):

"In 'The Family: A Proclamation to the World,' the First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles declare that as spirit sons and daughters of God we 'accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize [our] divine destiny as heirs of eternal life' (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102; or Liahona, Oct. 2004, 49). Please note the primary importance of obtaining a physical body in the process of progressing toward our divine destiny.

The Prophet Joseph Smith taught with clarity the importance of our physical bodies:

'We came to this earth that we might have a body and present it pure before God in the celestial kingdom. The great principle of happiness consists in having a body. The devil has no body, and herein is his punishment. He is pleased when he can obtain the tabernacle of man, and when cast out by the Savior he asked to go into the herd of swine, showing that he would prefer a swine’s body to having none. All beings who have bodies have power over those who have not. The devil has no power over us only as we permit him; the moment we revolt at anything which comes from God, the devil takes power.'

Our physical bodies make possible a breadth, a depth, and an intensity of experience that simply could not be obtained in our premortal estate. President Boyd K. Packer has taught, 'Our spirit and our body are combined in such a way that our body becomes an instrument of our mind and the foundation of our character.' Thus, our relationships with other people, our capacity to recognize and act in accordance with truth, and our ability to obey the principles and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ are amplified through our physical bodies. In the classroom of mortality, we experience tenderness, love, kindness, happiness, sorrow, disappointment, pain, and even the challenges of physical limitations in ways that prepare us for eternity. Simply stated, there are lessons we must learn and experiences we must have, as the scriptures describe, 'according to the flesh' (see 1 Nephi 19:6; Alma 7:12–13)."

To read Stephanie's post, go here.

For those who know me, physical interaction with others can be a challenge. I struggle with confidence in myself and with a desire and willingness to create meaningful relationships outside my immediate family (I struggle with that at times too). Sometimes it feels borderline agoraphobic. This talk about Elder Bednar has left me humbled and deeply pondering my true purpose here on earth and how I can better serve my Heavenly Father as a mortal with a physical body. You might find it ironic or even hypocritical that I am blogging about this talk (you will have to read to understand why) but I think there is a balance in all things (Elder Bednar agrees too). For example, Stephanie's post brought the spirit of faith and fortitude into my day when I wanted so badly to waste away my day. Just like a friend's innocent post regarding her bad mood prompted me to visit and say hello (something I'm sure did more for me and my "mood" than it did for her). I think in these examples online interactions motivated and led to physical action and interaction--uplifting of spirits and souls.

Despite my rationalization of my blogging and facebooking obsession (admitting is the first step to freedom right?), absolutely nothing will compare with physical relationships with which there is, "laughing and crying together, creating rich and enduring bonds of emotional intimacy, feeling the warm tender hug of an eternal companion or the sincerity in the eyes of another person as testimony is shared--all of these things experienced as they really are through the instrument of our physical body..."(Elder Bednar's talk).

So, today I will love, today I will serve, today I will rejoice in God's plan of happiness, today I will rejoice in the human experience.

Temple Treasures and a Map

2009-11-05T09:43:00.000-08:00

Temple Treasures

Recently we went with a family in our ward to the Sacramento Temple so that they could see it together as a family. It was a fun and spiritual day for us. It is amazing to see children experience the temple. In August we had the privilege of attending the sealing of another dear family in our ward, the husband and wife to their 3 beautiful daughters. It was breathtaking to see the children walk into the room. To find out more about eternal families and sealing ordinances, go here.

Back to the first family, the Myers. This visit was especially dear to us because we have home taught and visit taught this family since we moved to Orland. These children helped me to overcome my fears of motherhood (yes Amy if you ever read this believe it or not, they did)! It has helped me to realize that raising children is a process and the way by which Heavenly Father molds and shapes us to be more patient, loving, considerate, and Christ-like people. I was so afraid that my weaknesses would keep me from being a good mother, but the innocence and love in these kids eyes melted my heart. They are precious jewels (and yes they still have their "ugh" moments I will attest).

I thought I'd share a few pictures from our day. I can't wait for the day they go as a family to be sealed!

That's our baby Gavin with Amy. He loves the temple. We've had to take him with us every time we go each month and so he is becoming quite familiar with the temple--love it!

As part of their first temple experience, I wanted to have a way for the family to learn more about the temple since there is no visitor's center at the Sacramento Temple and also to keep the kids entertained. Well, the young kids didn't have a clue about the treasure hunt, but I think it worked out pretty good for their older son. If you like the idea I suggest drawing up a map of your own with your local temple. I am definitely no artist and this was done way too late at night, but it did the trick. I didn't do this but if I use this again, I'll find objects to symbolize (since that's so much of what the temple is about--symbolism) the different "treasures" of the temple. For example, when we talked about the temple recommend I showed them my passport and compared the need to prove I am a citizen of this country when I want to leave or come back to the US to the need to prove I am keeping God's commandments he asks me to enter His house. I thought of white cotton balls to symbol being dressed in white and we talked about our baptismal experiences. I have another document with the specifics I taught them on each stop. If you want it, send me a message with your email and I can email it to you.

Pepperoni Pineapple Pizza and McKenzie MDT

2009-11-01T19:32:00.000-08:00

A Few of our Favorite Things...

Two things are on my mind right now...pepperoni and pineapple pizza and McKenzie MDT. Well, they're probably on Ryan's mind more than they are mine. They may seem like the two most random things and yet this weekend we celebrate them. Say what? Yes, this weekend is the anniversary of two of the most life-altering experiences for us. It was this weekend last year that Ryan flew to Seattle to take the McKenzie MDT Credential Exam (and passed) and it is the weekend one of his buddies he met through the program introduced him to pepperoni and pineapple pizza. So, celebrate with us and if you haven't experienced either go here and get yourself some pepperoni and pineapple pizza, IMMEDIATELY!! You won't regret either of them, especially the pepperoni and pineapple pizza! Yum-eeeee!

Beware of Pirates!

2009-11-01T19:07:00.001-08:00

Beware of Pirates!!!!!

This year we decided to get involved in our ward's halloween party. So, I signed us up for a trick or treat room. It was stressful thinking about what I'd do, but luckily it came together and for some young ones was even a little too scary!

Shiver me timbers!

Hang 'im from the yardarm!

Gavin a.k.a. Jolly Roger (he only made a short appearance because was exhausted from a day of hardly any naps--he fell asleep between bites of cereal for dinner. In fact, he was fussy in this picture that's why we only got one picture and its blurry. He was also being overtaken by the overabundance of cobwebs I used to decorate the room. Lesson learned...)

Pirate's Booty!

All in all, we had a fun time. I had fun decorating the room although I was pressed for time. It wouldn't have turned out had it been for my mother-in-law's stash of halloween decor. It was perfect!!! Thank you Janice for all your years of doing church parties and decorating. Its sure making life easier for me! I'm already thinking of a theme for next year's room! I can't wait to have halloween parties at our house for the kids. I want to do that instead of them focusing on trick-or-treating.

Happy Halloween! Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

grey's anatomy

2009-10-12T21:42:00.001-07:00

Our party consisted of yummy homemade McPizza (pepperoni and pineapple--our specialty) with some McSnacks and McDrinks, of course. I do have to say my McDreamy did look pretty McSteamy in his surgeon outfit!

* Despite the Loser pose, Ryan was a great sport and is definitely a Grey's fan. I was dressed up too, but I looked more like a big white blob in a oversized dr.'s coat and plus I was taking the pictures.

a piece of my heart

2009-10-12T11:33:00.000-07:00

This little man has a piece of my heart. In fact, he has a BIG piece. The delightful hubby and I just celebrated our third wedding anniversary and since he does whatever he can to please me, we went to San Francisco, CA to see the musical Wicked. The weekend was perfect, except that I had a tough time forgetting about our sweet little babe. I wanted so badly for him to be there with us taking in the refreshing ocean air, yet I knew it would be just as refreshing to enjoy some alone time with my dear husband. I had to be reminded constantly over the first few hours away that I would in fact see my dear child just over 24 hours later. Even after that reminder I still insisted on worrying that what if, just what if we died in a car accident or an earthquake and we never get to see him again. My husband then reminded me that we are an eternal family, but still, I want the joy and pleasure of raising this dear sweet child we have been blessed with. I just didn't want to stop thinking about him! I finally decided that it would be best for me (and Gav) if I relaxed and rejuvenated myself so that I could be the best mommy I wanted to be and that he deserved.

San Francisco was beeeeeeeeeeautiful!! Yes it was windy but it only made it chilly after dark and so we decided we'd skip hiking around the city like we usually end up doing instead of taking taxis or bart. We got to experience a taste of Love Fest and that's all we wanted--we were celebrating our own love and in our own special way!! I highly recommend Wicked. It was such a great performance and I loved the story. Ryan was really impressed by the performance, the set, and all the detail that went into it. The music was great too! And of course we didn't leave the city without a clam chowder bread bowl and fish and chips (yes I ordered both and for lunch). On that note, I'm beginning to understand why I'm not losing any more of that post-prego weight but alas I still eat what I want. To my credit, I have gotten rid of pretty much all sweets in our house, but sadly most of that came from just eating them. I plan to not replace them!!! Just in time for Halloween and the holidays--nice!

I was so excited to go and pick up Gavin the following day. I was kind of saddened when I went to lock eyes with him and revel in that moment of being reunited and he took one look and then looked back up at my sister Michelle who graciously watched him. Oh that's ok, he just doesn't know better, right? So, back in the car and back to squeals, slobber, and the greatest joy of my life!

I just can't get enough--I think he has a little more than a piece of my heart--I'd say a chunk!

P.S. We are excited that we have finally had a happy, argument-free trip to San Francisco. Click here to see why!

Time Flies...

2009-09-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that our little guy is already approaching 6 months of age. Wow has time flied! He is more adorable than ever! I apologize if you are sick and tired of his photos, but well, he is my life right now and I am enjoying improving my photography skills.

I love how he is discovering so many new things in life right now and I know its only the beginning of discovery for him. He is so interested in the things he sees, the things he hears (like the garbage truck and then the helicopter outside our house this morning), the things he touches, and most recently, the things he tastes (beside plastic and fabric products he has now be introduced to sweet potatoes).

Ode to Mi Hermano--Feliz Cumpleanos a ti!

2009-09-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

Today my brother Keith turns 20, and because he is such an amazing dude he is celebrating it in Costa Rica serving the Lord, Jesus Christ. He has been in Costa Rica on his mission for our church preaching about Jesus Christ and the joy of His gospel for a year now and has one more grand year to go. I couldn't be more excited for him and the year ahead, as well as proud of what he has already accomplished and the man he is becoming. It is truly something to put aside your education pursuits in the prime of that time of your life and commit 2 years to the Lord. His example and dedication to giving 100% to the Lord while there is such a strength to me and my family. I see his testimony of the Savior and his atonement grow with every email I receive from him. The gospel of Jesus Christ has indeed been restored or brought back to the earth and we have the opportunity to enjoy the blessings of that restoration! He is making sure that the loving people of Costa Rica have that same great blessing. I love that he puts all his effort into being the best missionary he can be. I love that he is humble and sees that there is plenty of room for improvement and that he wants to improve. I love that he loves the people of Costa Rica. I love that his english is getting worse which means his spanish is improving. I love that he has a sense of humor and is still that teenage boy he was before he left in some respects, and yet his is more a man (especially a righteous one) than before he left. I love that he is my brother. I love that I get weekly emails from him encouraging me to endure to the end and to improve in my devotion to the gospel of Jesus Christ. I love that he inspires me to be a better example of Jesus Christ. I love that he is embrassing the Costa Rican culture and trying new things. I love that he loves the Lord more than ever in his life and that this will build a strong foundation for him to lead and guide his future family to eternity. Thank you dear brother for forgetting yourself and serving your Heavenly Father and his dear children in Costa Rica. Here's to another amazing year!! Happy Birthday and thanks to the families who are helping you celebrate--I see they're treating you just fine! Feliz Cumpleanos a ti!

good morning Mr. Hot Air Balloon!

2009-09-10T16:43:00.001-07:00

Saturday morning I woke up around 7:00 and went out to open the house up to enjoy more of that cool morning air we are experiencing. I decided to step outside and to my surprise I spied a hot air balloon in our midst. I can't tell you how enamoured I am with these majestic transportation devices. I have never ridden in one, but I would love, love, love to! After I saw the movie, "The Bucket List", riding in a hot air balloon became of my top things to do before I die. Ryan, on the other hand, says, "NO WAY!" Well, I couldn't resist the excitement when I saw it. Immediately I morphed from my 28 year old body into a 5 year old--no joke. The following actions resulted: I grabbed my camera and took about 25+ pictures, all amongst about 10 trips into the bedroom to a sleeping husband where I proceeded to debate whether or not to wake him so he could partake of the same enjoyment I was experiencing. It went something like this: run from the front yard into house quickly to bedroom; nope, he's not awake yet (thinking to myself, "Geez should I wake him, ok not yet"); run back outside to check on status of hot air balloon--its getting closer; take a couple more snapshots; run back into house to bedroom; husband still not up (geez what if he misses this once in a life time experience); jump up and down out of excitement and debate again whether to wake him or not; run back outside and run into street to try to get a little closer to balloon; excitement overwhelms me and I can't help but think my husband might miss this (note: balloon is still so ever far away from passing over house) so I run back into house to see if by chance he's woken; nope, still asleep. Finally after about at least 5 rounds of this I decide I've waited long enough and I wake him up. "Honey, honey guess what's outside? Come and see, please!" My dear sweetheart came out to see said balloon just in time and I think he was almost as happy as I was at this surprise. Oh, and by the way dear, you're in the front yard in your underwear (as the neighbors drive by)!

Oh, by the way, the hubby says he'll go up in a balloon with me if he can wear a parachute. Do they work at that height? If so, sign us up!!!